Life...

I used to have a game plan...

It wasn't so much of a game plan, it was, what I thought my life should be.

You know the normal drivel... finish university, find work, travel, meet man of dreams, settle down, buy a house, have babies and live happily ever after, Oh..and did I mention that all of this was supposed to happen prior to 30, (my thought was closer to 27)

Life as I know it has not turned out like that. Not even remotely close... I didn't finish university, in fact I never got to start it, due to unforeseen circumstances, my guaranteed early admission didn't matter... the lack of funding however, did.

Find work...yup. I have had my fair share of jobs and careers...and yet I'm not challenged at all and would be fine leaving my current position at anytime, with almost any other job offer.

Travel...well that one is up for debate, I've traveled but I have yet to go to the one place where I have always dreamed of going, I thought that one day I would take the man of my dreams with me, you know a romantic stroll along the cliffs of Scotland, a picnic in a nice green glen.

Which brings me to the man of my dreams...I found him. However, he's not sure he loves me anymore... After a few failed attempts at love, I thought that the man of my dreams was laying beside me in April...I thought the cuddles I was getting would last a life time. And yet for some unknown reason, despite the fact that he isn't sure....I have a small semblance of hope that this set back is just temporary.

settle down... Ha! I was informed last night that I have the spirit of a 50 year old. Apparently I am not my age, not that I am wise beyond my years...but the way I apparently deal with life, is "old". I am a firm believer that how you deal with what life throws at you that makes you who you are. And apparently, I am just short of retirement...go figure, I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I'm already so close to retiring from it? I don't think that, I think that I just have different values than a lot of people my age. So I surround myself with the people that value the same things, its not about drinking and partying all the time, its about...Love? I don't actually know what its about, but I know that the answers that one seeks are usually found in the rarest places whether it be an unplanned pregnancy that takes you into a world that you were sure you would never want to be, only to find that it's the best thing that could have happened to you. Or some other great event, that at the time seems like a catastrophe... they may not be the answers you thought you wanted, but thought, much like people doesn't like to be told what to do.

As for having babies and living happily ever after... that will come, I am sure of it. Even if I have to have them on my own...you know little science created babies made for someone that truly wants them.

I know now that a life plan, isn't really a plan at all, its not a road trip where you can map everything out. You can't just find the shortest distance and get to your destination without mishap. You just have to live it, and hope for the best. I may never get everything I want out of life, but I just may...that is yet to be determined...I can't necessarily say that I am excited to find out what life is in store, but I am sure whatever it is I can figure my way through it...even if it is on my own.

Confused, weary and dealing with life as it comes...Hoping for the best.
Stiletto