The things I want to scream about....

Lately, it seems like I just want to scream and yell at everyone who makes any sort of negetive comment towards me.

I don't know why, I am for the most part level headed and can bite my tounge quite well, but I am just so fed up with people's opinions that I just want to sit them down and explain to them, that yes while free speech is an amazing thing, there is such a thing as being to free with your speech.

Now don't get me wrong, go ahead voice your opinion, just do it in a respectful manner and pay attention to body language. Realize that no matter what you are saying if you are saying it in a jack-assed way it will fall on deaf ears or you will get bitch slapped for saying it.

I have had to many, "well you don't seem like your too upset over A" comments that I really want to beat the piss out of the next person that even comments.  Trust me I am upset by it, but I also realise that I need to live my life, it doesn't stop because I am upset and heartbroken. I dont look like i'm upset becuase I am trying hard not to, I am putting a brave face on a fucked up situation... I am good at it, I've been doing it my entire life.  I want to cry every night, I still want his arms around me, I still think that he will call and sometimes I wake up forgetting that No, I wont get anything from A today, because he is with someone else. But for my own sake I can't dwell on that or I wont get out of bed; you don't know what it is like when you are not there... dont pretend you do. 

I am trying to  stay positive in light of all that is happened, I know that it makes people upset when they see me crying, and when I start crying I have a hard time stopping. So for now, I just bury it deep down and wait until night time to let it out; that way noone needs to deal with my heartache but myself. I am tired of people telling me I don't need to waste anymore anger or tears on A.  Seriously!?!?!?! why don't you get your heart ripped out of your chest when you least expect it and then just stop crying because someone told you to. This is why I put a brave face on and pretend that everything is Okay. 

If you really want to know if I'm doing okay with everything, why don't you just ask? Oh wait, I know why, because you don't want to see the tears start again, and you don't want to hear me tell you the truth.

No, I'm not Okay.  Not right now, I wont be for sometime... I know eventually I will be, but don't expect me to tell you that I'm fine, and don't tell me that I look like I'm doing just fine since my heart got trampled on. I know I look like I'm fine, but looks can be decieving and words are only words. Inside my heart is still breaking and the tears are still falling.

-Stiletto