Dating????

Singledom... you think it sounds kind of good when your in a relationship and in an exasperating argument with your 'loved' one....and then it comes... The day in which you suddenly find yourself single and your head is left spinning just a little bit and all you can think is 'What the Fuck? How did that happen?'

But alas you follow the grieving process, all along (if your like me) torturing yourself in the process, trying to figure out what is going on with the elusive ex now. Asking yourself random and unimportant questions like: is he happy? is he fine without me? Is he living with her? (this last one usually brings on another WTF moment, when you realize that although you can sniff out a liar with the best of them sometimes a liars cologne is to strong to sniff them out.)

Then suddenly you wake up one day, and although you still hurt, all you can think about is getting back up on that horse... mind the pun...after all a woman must ride again sometime. This folks is the stage that I am at...I hurt still, I am not going to lie. I don't think the hurt will fully stop until I find someone who I care more about; it is a fact that I am slowly trying to accept. So I am at the get back up on that horse stage; this is normally a good thing, a sign that one is moving on and is attempting to embrace singledom (it may be a poor attempt, but attempting is better than lying in a pile of Kleenex on your bathroom floor wishing God would take you away from the hurt...because in the melodramatic state that you have been left in this seems like the most viable option). However in my case the timing of the get back up on that horse stage couldn't be worse.

It's not that I don't want to date, its that I feel I can't. I should share that not only am I a serial monogamous, I am also a serial long term relationship type of person... even my 'friends' were more long term than short term... for those of you that have known me for a while now... we can all remember Q.... my 2 year 'friends-with-benefits-turned-confusing'. And of course the only 2 guys I've ever really dated (A and B) one of which I was engaged to and one of which we were planning a life together including babies....S, we wont count Farmer E...because that never really got far.

So I am leaving for basic training....eventually, one day probably sooner than later.... and it is hard on a relationship... but on a new relationship; it just wouldn't work.... and yet here I stand with cell phone in hand agreeing to meet AG's friend and AG at a pub tomorrow...just to check it (*cough* him) out. And yet this comes the day after I texted back L's friend telling him that no I wasn't looking for a relationship of any sort nor would I like to go on a date...I didn't think it was fair to start something knowing I was leaving shortly... and unlike back int he day (when I was 18ish) one night stands just don't appeal to me.

Knowing that tomorrow night isn't really a date, but it could potentially lead to one has me in cold sweats and fits of giddiness all at the same time.... I'm so confused and torn, but I am not going to let life happen while I wait for things to start, if there is anything that the past 6 years has taught me its that. second chances don't happen often, 3rd chances are even more rare...and that's how I am looking at this next chapter... my 3rd attempt to get my life on the track that it maybe should have been on in the first place....

This weeks Mantra:
"It's okay to live a little...you deserve to have fun too!"
- Stiletto