WTF. I'm not exactly sure where the begining part of the year went.
Anyway, my grandparents are in town; my first visitors from out of town. haha.
I gave them a quick tour of the house today at lunch when they got here, they immediatley made a list of everything I needed fixed and ran off to Home Depot... I'm worried. I gave them a house key so I am sure I will end up with a few new things and a whole lot of repairs by the end of the week.
We have a new girl in our office... I'm not a fan. I'm trying desperatly to like her, but it just seems to be really hard.
There has been a lot of drama in the family lately, but for the most part i'm shielded from a lot of it being out here... on the other hand... I normally get a full update and all the drama all at the same time as soon as there is a phone call home. Long story short... everyone is now fine.
I'm not going to touch on other subjects now... its a long story with no ending... So you can expect more soon!
Learning to expect what I deserve
~Stiletto
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
I'm Baaaack....
Hey all!!
Stiletto here; I'm back!
A full year of army life under my belt, and now I'm open to everything!
So let me catch you up on the happenings of the past year..
I started another blog, Stiletto in basic.. yeah, that didn't pan out so well; basic is hard and Internet connections suck... So unfortunately I didn't get to update it.
However, this being a new year and a new start for me, I will hopefully be blogging here on a regular basis.
Here is the scoop over the past year:
I left for basic military training (BMQ) about a year ago, I got my ass kicked on a daily basis, and loved every minute of it, I managed to make some amazing friends and get through it without too many tears.
A called a few times, he wanted to get back together; apparently the girl he cheated on me with cheated on him and he was sorry and heartbroken and blah blah blah... needless to say, that didn't happen. I basically told home to grow up; figure out what he wants out of life and go from there (and as long as I wasn't part of what he wanted)
B (the ex fiance) called; he also wants to get back together... just ignored the message, B and I need to stay friends for the sake of our families; he has graciously not brought it up again (but I am sure he will, cause this is a semi-yearly occurrence)
Moving on down the alphabet... D (my trainer from previously blogs) will be wiped off the blog record... There is a new D in town. Literally in town, posted to the same place I am. We have been on a few dates, nothing serious as of yet, and really after all the drama after the last few years I am more than good with taking things slow... That being said; D is really sweet, offers to help with the dishes, making dinner for me, gets up to make me coffee; oh and doesn't freak out over the little things... I know it sounds stupid, but he helped me put my dryer together and didn't yell at me when we realized that I got the wrong things... small but made the brick wall crack a bit.
anyway, So I am living in Manitoba now, its cold and snowy and small... but I love it. I have a PMQ all to myself and I've been able to start cooking again. I love my new job, it's not what I was originally hoping for but oddly enough I think I fit well into the roll. I am still trying to get into the army (I'm currently in the navy) but hopefully in a few years that change will take place.
Basically, I'm starting to live life again, it's mainly good things, (I'm going to be an auntie yet again. I'm dating, I've finally unpacked) But there are some other things too, (appointments at the clinics (I need to get my eggs harvested, and talk about fertility options, cause with this job, I don't know if I'll be ready for kids by 30) but its all in good time.
Step number one... I am trying to get myself on track; which means, quitting smoking (something I hope to do by April 1) and staying in top physical condition, (going to the gym every weekday morning and then again Tuesday and Thursday nights)
Anyway, it's time to sign off and get the kitchen cleaned. As always I leave you with a positive affirmation:
I know now that I deserve to be loved;
Stiletto
Stiletto here; I'm back!
A full year of army life under my belt, and now I'm open to everything!
So let me catch you up on the happenings of the past year..
I started another blog, Stiletto in basic.. yeah, that didn't pan out so well; basic is hard and Internet connections suck... So unfortunately I didn't get to update it.
However, this being a new year and a new start for me, I will hopefully be blogging here on a regular basis.
Here is the scoop over the past year:
I left for basic military training (BMQ) about a year ago, I got my ass kicked on a daily basis, and loved every minute of it, I managed to make some amazing friends and get through it without too many tears.
A called a few times, he wanted to get back together; apparently the girl he cheated on me with cheated on him and he was sorry and heartbroken and blah blah blah... needless to say, that didn't happen. I basically told home to grow up; figure out what he wants out of life and go from there (and as long as I wasn't part of what he wanted)
B (the ex fiance) called; he also wants to get back together... just ignored the message, B and I need to stay friends for the sake of our families; he has graciously not brought it up again (but I am sure he will, cause this is a semi-yearly occurrence)
Moving on down the alphabet... D (my trainer from previously blogs) will be wiped off the blog record... There is a new D in town. Literally in town, posted to the same place I am. We have been on a few dates, nothing serious as of yet, and really after all the drama after the last few years I am more than good with taking things slow... That being said; D is really sweet, offers to help with the dishes, making dinner for me, gets up to make me coffee; oh and doesn't freak out over the little things... I know it sounds stupid, but he helped me put my dryer together and didn't yell at me when we realized that I got the wrong things... small but made the brick wall crack a bit.
anyway, So I am living in Manitoba now, its cold and snowy and small... but I love it. I have a PMQ all to myself and I've been able to start cooking again. I love my new job, it's not what I was originally hoping for but oddly enough I think I fit well into the roll. I am still trying to get into the army (I'm currently in the navy) but hopefully in a few years that change will take place.
Basically, I'm starting to live life again, it's mainly good things, (I'm going to be an auntie yet again. I'm dating, I've finally unpacked) But there are some other things too, (appointments at the clinics (I need to get my eggs harvested, and talk about fertility options, cause with this job, I don't know if I'll be ready for kids by 30) but its all in good time.
Step number one... I am trying to get myself on track; which means, quitting smoking (something I hope to do by April 1) and staying in top physical condition, (going to the gym every weekday morning and then again Tuesday and Thursday nights)
Anyway, it's time to sign off and get the kitchen cleaned. As always I leave you with a positive affirmation:
I know now that I deserve to be loved;
Stiletto
Sunday, February 14, 2010
I am not speculating...
I have wondered for a few days what to write about this subject, or if anything at all should be written.
A sad thing has happened around Trenton. A shocking thing has happened in and around the military community. Other than this link
I will not be posting comments, speculations or my thoughts and opinions on the subject. other than to say that CFB Trenton and the military community are going through a very very rough time and the events that are rumored to have occured with one person do not reflect on the entire military family.
A sad thing has happened around Trenton. A shocking thing has happened in and around the military community. Other than this link
I will not be posting comments, speculations or my thoughts and opinions on the subject. other than to say that CFB Trenton and the military community are going through a very very rough time and the events that are rumored to have occured with one person do not reflect on the entire military family.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Leaving....
In 17 days I am leaving.
I am leaving everything I know and love for something new and scary and somewhat intimidating.
people are so proud of me, and all I can think about is how scared I am to fail, to let everyone down. People are telling me how great what I am embarking on is, and I see it as a new job.
And yet, tomorrow I am swearing in to join the military. Today was my 3rd last "wednesday" with S and the little man. It was a great day and I got to see a great little video of the new baby as well. I am so excited for them and yet I wish I was going to be around more, I know I will miss our Wednesdays.
I am going to miss mom's home cooking and pedicures and just chillin on the couch, it's amazing sometimes that I am going to miss so much just because I am starting a new job.
Not sure if I am ready to embark on this new carrer.
- Stiletto
I am leaving everything I know and love for something new and scary and somewhat intimidating.
people are so proud of me, and all I can think about is how scared I am to fail, to let everyone down. People are telling me how great what I am embarking on is, and I see it as a new job.
And yet, tomorrow I am swearing in to join the military. Today was my 3rd last "wednesday" with S and the little man. It was a great day and I got to see a great little video of the new baby as well. I am so excited for them and yet I wish I was going to be around more, I know I will miss our Wednesdays.
I am going to miss mom's home cooking and pedicures and just chillin on the couch, it's amazing sometimes that I am going to miss so much just because I am starting a new job.
Not sure if I am ready to embark on this new carrer.
- Stiletto
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Whack-A-Mole
That is what it feels like I am playing, the only problem is that the game never runs out of time and the moles are real people who just don't go away.
For instance, my father (aka sperm donor) took my mom to court... again... to do the same thing he has tried to do before. Pops up like a whack-a-mole. Then he sends an email to my mom after things didn't go his way (yet again)... popping up... whack-a-mole.
A is like my own personal whack-a-mole at times, the minute I start to move on, he senses it and pops up...whack-a-mole. Unfortunatley the little mechanisim that makes him duck his head back into the hole when the little rubber mallet is headed his way is broken so he sticks around for a while everytime... and it's hard to beat him with a rubber mallet so I usually just let him do his thing... that mechanism will kick in eventually. It has too, that's the whack-a-mole game.
My friend LW has a whack-a-mole, much like A. Except she forgets the object of the game everytime he pops his head out of the hole. Sometimes I think it might be good for her if I hit her in the head with my rubber mallet, but then I remember it wasn't long ago that I forgot how to play the game everytime A popped his head up.
My point is; if you think hard enough, you know someone who is a mole. Someone you just want to beat on the head with a rubber mallet until they go away... EVERYTIME you see them.
Somedays I wish I could run out of quarters.
- Stiletto
For instance, my father (aka sperm donor) took my mom to court... again... to do the same thing he has tried to do before. Pops up like a whack-a-mole. Then he sends an email to my mom after things didn't go his way (yet again)... popping up... whack-a-mole.
A is like my own personal whack-a-mole at times, the minute I start to move on, he senses it and pops up...whack-a-mole. Unfortunatley the little mechanisim that makes him duck his head back into the hole when the little rubber mallet is headed his way is broken so he sticks around for a while everytime... and it's hard to beat him with a rubber mallet so I usually just let him do his thing... that mechanism will kick in eventually. It has too, that's the whack-a-mole game.
My friend LW has a whack-a-mole, much like A. Except she forgets the object of the game everytime he pops his head out of the hole. Sometimes I think it might be good for her if I hit her in the head with my rubber mallet, but then I remember it wasn't long ago that I forgot how to play the game everytime A popped his head up.
My point is; if you think hard enough, you know someone who is a mole. Someone you just want to beat on the head with a rubber mallet until they go away... EVERYTIME you see them.
Somedays I wish I could run out of quarters.
- Stiletto
Rick Mercer says it best...
Every now and then an issue comes along that transcends politics; that transcends all socio-economic realities. And sometimes the truth needs to be said no matter how painful that truth may be to some people. This is one of those times and this is it.
Just because you are on an escalator, that does not mean you have to stop walking. Up or down, it is an escalator; it is not a ride at Canada's Wonderland.
It was designed to keep people moving faster. Which is why it's called an escalator not a slowthingsdown-alator. And if you must stop on an escalator because you've got bad knees or you're just a much calmer person then me, you have to stay to the right. The left lane is a passing lane. That means you can not put your shopping bag there. That also means your best friend can not park there and talk to you about why you really should have bought that blouse at value village.
And you wanna know why? Because when you do that, everyone behind you wants to kill you. And I only bring this up because I am a calm and rational person, but I swear to god if I ever end up in prison it will be because of something that happened on an escalator. Either that or near the front doors of a shopping mall or an airport.
Okay we all know that sometimes big buildings are overwhelming. That does not mean that you get to walk through the front door and just stop and look around for 3 minutes. If you need to get your bearings, the rules of the road apply here. You must pull over. Find a wall, you can spend all the time you want over there.
And while we're on the subject, if you get in an elevator before letting people off an elevator, that should be a criminal offense. With mandatory sentencing. Honestly I don't know why they don't teach this stuff in schools.
Look, we are heading into the holiday season people, there's gonna be big crowds, it's stressful enough. Peace and goodwill is the standard wish for the season; that's only gonna happen if everyone keeps moving.
Taken from Rick Mercers Blog.
- Stiletto
Just because you are on an escalator, that does not mean you have to stop walking. Up or down, it is an escalator; it is not a ride at Canada's Wonderland.
It was designed to keep people moving faster. Which is why it's called an escalator not a slowthingsdown-alator. And if you must stop on an escalator because you've got bad knees or you're just a much calmer person then me, you have to stay to the right. The left lane is a passing lane. That means you can not put your shopping bag there. That also means your best friend can not park there and talk to you about why you really should have bought that blouse at value village.
And you wanna know why? Because when you do that, everyone behind you wants to kill you. And I only bring this up because I am a calm and rational person, but I swear to god if I ever end up in prison it will be because of something that happened on an escalator. Either that or near the front doors of a shopping mall or an airport.
Okay we all know that sometimes big buildings are overwhelming. That does not mean that you get to walk through the front door and just stop and look around for 3 minutes. If you need to get your bearings, the rules of the road apply here. You must pull over. Find a wall, you can spend all the time you want over there.
And while we're on the subject, if you get in an elevator before letting people off an elevator, that should be a criminal offense. With mandatory sentencing. Honestly I don't know why they don't teach this stuff in schools.
Look, we are heading into the holiday season people, there's gonna be big crowds, it's stressful enough. Peace and goodwill is the standard wish for the season; that's only gonna happen if everyone keeps moving.
Taken from Rick Mercers Blog.
- Stiletto
Thursday, January 28, 2010
30 Days...
That is all that is left until I leave for my new adventure...
Everyday I am feeling an intense mix of emotions, I am so excited to leave, to start this new chapter... and then I remember everything and everyone that I am saying good-bye too. I remember all of the little things that I am going to miss out on and it hurts just a little bit.
I am going to miss the birth of my newest nephew, I am going to miss Little AT and Little G growing and talking and just all around being a toddler...I am afraid that these 2 won't remember me when I come visit them... and I wont here the joyous "Hi Stiletto!" as I walk into to S's house.
I am going to miss S and AG and just hanging out.
I am going to miss my mom and the rest of the family
I am going to miss cooking.
I am afraid that when I come back grandpa will look older and be older... The man is like my father.... Him growing older saddens me.
But in the same breath I am looking forward to new friends, new adventures, a challenge and hopefully an MOC Reassignment. I am hoping to get posted to Edmonton or Cold Lake still.... somewhere close to home. But at the same time, the East Coast felt like I was home...and A's parents have graciously said that I could come visit anytime I am out east...more so if I can remuster to the airforce but they will except the navy blacks as well. LOL
Anyway, in 30 days I will be starting the next big adventure, and although I will miss everyone, I will always have you in my heart and prayers so you will never really be gone.
Call all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you - 1 Peter 5:7
- Stiletto
Everyday I am feeling an intense mix of emotions, I am so excited to leave, to start this new chapter... and then I remember everything and everyone that I am saying good-bye too. I remember all of the little things that I am going to miss out on and it hurts just a little bit.
I am going to miss the birth of my newest nephew, I am going to miss Little AT and Little G growing and talking and just all around being a toddler...I am afraid that these 2 won't remember me when I come visit them... and I wont here the joyous "Hi Stiletto!" as I walk into to S's house.
I am going to miss S and AG and just hanging out.
I am going to miss my mom and the rest of the family
I am going to miss cooking.
I am afraid that when I come back grandpa will look older and be older... The man is like my father.... Him growing older saddens me.
But in the same breath I am looking forward to new friends, new adventures, a challenge and hopefully an MOC Reassignment. I am hoping to get posted to Edmonton or Cold Lake still.... somewhere close to home. But at the same time, the East Coast felt like I was home...and A's parents have graciously said that I could come visit anytime I am out east...more so if I can remuster to the airforce but they will except the navy blacks as well. LOL
Anyway, in 30 days I will be starting the next big adventure, and although I will miss everyone, I will always have you in my heart and prayers so you will never really be gone.
Call all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you - 1 Peter 5:7
- Stiletto
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Eventful Much?
January; the time for new beginnings and new starts. Usually a peaceful and tranquil month as everyone is starting out with new resolutions and new ideals.
Not for me, or my family. January came in with a bang... like a grenade exploding...well, at least that is what the house looked like. Like a big giant grenade hit it.
Mom and I moved into her new place on December 30th; actually, I should rephrase that a little bit. Mom moved into her house, and I found all my stuff after my 80 billion moves these last 2 years, and repacked it and it is now sitting in one corner of her basement, minus 3 weeks worth of clothing and the suitcase that is dutifully sitting under my bed waiting to be packed for basic.
My aunt's boyfriend asked my grandparents for their permission to marry my aunt; they said yes...managing not to jump for joy at the prospect of my aunt finally getting married. The wedding is being held on the 28th of January shortly after my Aunt comes home from Turkey. She leaves to go back to Turkey shortly after her wedding. Her boyfriend is staying here to finish his degree.
Grandpa's Knee replacement surgery is happening on the 19th...Mom goes into see the surgeon that day to as she will be getting her knee scoped on the 21st or 22nd.
There is also a court date between my mom and the sperm donor the week of my aunts wedding, in another province.
January, however; has also brought good things, my job offer from the CF, A few glorious days with my oldest niece and nephew, being unemployed during all of this is allowing me to spend some much needed time with friends and family. AG got to go see her husband...I am sure she is having a grand time, although I can hardly wait until she gets back so that I can tell her all that has occurred.
It has also brought with it some truths about A, what he is actually like and it turns out, it's a little skeezy. I do still feel things for him, but finding out all that I have found out and putting certain things together have made it a little easier getting over him. I still have no plans of moving on anytime soon, but that is more because I am leaving and starting my new career and just don't want to start a relationship just to end it in a few weeks.
February promises to be busy as well, with my swearing in and getting everything I need to leave for basic I will be busy as sin every day in February I am sure, plus 3 birthdays and a going away party.
Like I said being unemployed right now is a blessing, I am up before the sun and in bed long after it goes down, so I am trying to squeeze in as much time at the gym as humanly possible while fitting all the other drama in.
I can hardly wait for basic to start, I think that the pace might be a little slower than it is right now and I will only have to concentrate on me....and the rest of my platoon.
"Please lord, let basic be virtually drama free... and keep G, MM, E and all the others safe in Af'Stan"
- Stiletto
Not for me, or my family. January came in with a bang... like a grenade exploding...well, at least that is what the house looked like. Like a big giant grenade hit it.
Mom and I moved into her new place on December 30th; actually, I should rephrase that a little bit. Mom moved into her house, and I found all my stuff after my 80 billion moves these last 2 years, and repacked it and it is now sitting in one corner of her basement, minus 3 weeks worth of clothing and the suitcase that is dutifully sitting under my bed waiting to be packed for basic.
My aunt's boyfriend asked my grandparents for their permission to marry my aunt; they said yes...managing not to jump for joy at the prospect of my aunt finally getting married. The wedding is being held on the 28th of January shortly after my Aunt comes home from Turkey. She leaves to go back to Turkey shortly after her wedding. Her boyfriend is staying here to finish his degree.
Grandpa's Knee replacement surgery is happening on the 19th...Mom goes into see the surgeon that day to as she will be getting her knee scoped on the 21st or 22nd.
There is also a court date between my mom and the sperm donor the week of my aunts wedding, in another province.
January, however; has also brought good things, my job offer from the CF, A few glorious days with my oldest niece and nephew, being unemployed during all of this is allowing me to spend some much needed time with friends and family. AG got to go see her husband...I am sure she is having a grand time, although I can hardly wait until she gets back so that I can tell her all that has occurred.
It has also brought with it some truths about A, what he is actually like and it turns out, it's a little skeezy. I do still feel things for him, but finding out all that I have found out and putting certain things together have made it a little easier getting over him. I still have no plans of moving on anytime soon, but that is more because I am leaving and starting my new career and just don't want to start a relationship just to end it in a few weeks.
February promises to be busy as well, with my swearing in and getting everything I need to leave for basic I will be busy as sin every day in February I am sure, plus 3 birthdays and a going away party.
Like I said being unemployed right now is a blessing, I am up before the sun and in bed long after it goes down, so I am trying to squeeze in as much time at the gym as humanly possible while fitting all the other drama in.
I can hardly wait for basic to start, I think that the pace might be a little slower than it is right now and I will only have to concentrate on me....and the rest of my platoon.
"Please lord, let basic be virtually drama free... and keep G, MM, E and all the others safe in Af'Stan"
- Stiletto
Monday, January 4, 2010
In the Navy.....
That's right folks. I am in the Navy?!?!?!?!?
Yes the question marks should be there.
Lesson number 1 with the CF, you get to tell them what you want to do and where you want to do it and even the color you want to wear while preforming said task (blue, green or black)...
However, lesson number 2 is They will take that information, write it down, laugh at you and then tell you what you are doing, where your doing it and what color you will be wearing while doing it.
So I am heading out to basic training in February, as an RMS Clerk (My 3rd choice...out of 3) and as a member of our Canadian Navy (Also my 3rd choice...out of 3). I am excited about the new adventure, however; it is going to take me a long time to get used to the fact that I am in the Navy.
I get a career manager after I finish basic so I will let them know what my career goals are (Aeromedical Tech) and hopefully after my 3 year contract is done they will be able to get me a component and occupation transfer...at the very least a component transfer so that I can be in the Air Force and one step closer to my goals.
My mom has been limping around the house singing in the Navy and making fun of me... she is also making fun of the ranks... mainly because I can say Ordinary Seaman without laughing when she adds "so you don't even get to be super sperm? Just ordinary?"
Chalk it up to my ever supportive mom.
Anyway; Life's a bitch and you just have to roll with the punches.
"The purpose of life is to live, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experiences." - Eleanor Roosevelt
-Stiletto
Yes the question marks should be there.
Lesson number 1 with the CF, you get to tell them what you want to do and where you want to do it and even the color you want to wear while preforming said task (blue, green or black)...
However, lesson number 2 is They will take that information, write it down, laugh at you and then tell you what you are doing, where your doing it and what color you will be wearing while doing it.
So I am heading out to basic training in February, as an RMS Clerk (My 3rd choice...out of 3) and as a member of our Canadian Navy (Also my 3rd choice...out of 3). I am excited about the new adventure, however; it is going to take me a long time to get used to the fact that I am in the Navy.
I get a career manager after I finish basic so I will let them know what my career goals are (Aeromedical Tech) and hopefully after my 3 year contract is done they will be able to get me a component and occupation transfer...at the very least a component transfer so that I can be in the Air Force and one step closer to my goals.
My mom has been limping around the house singing in the Navy and making fun of me... she is also making fun of the ranks... mainly because I can say Ordinary Seaman without laughing when she adds "so you don't even get to be super sperm? Just ordinary?"
Chalk it up to my ever supportive mom.
Anyway; Life's a bitch and you just have to roll with the punches.
"The purpose of life is to live, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experiences." - Eleanor Roosevelt
-Stiletto
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Neglegance....
I started this blog in a time of uncertainty, hoping beyond all hope the journaling would allow me to sort through the mass of emotions that I was feeling. It seems, that at times, my emotional turmoil is best left not written about.
What I am saying is that some things; I suppose, I am just not sure I want to share. The fear of judgment is so strong that I don't want to know if people will stop reading my little blog if they find out the truth... that my optimism is just a cover for the pessimist that lays awake all night long.
However, it is my new resolution, if you will, that I blog regardless of how it may be perceived by people. For those that are truly my friends now my pessimistic side and know the drama that I hold so close to my heart. So here is yet another update to catch you up on the life and times of me.
You all know that the sperm donor has been cut out of my life, although he has tried a few times to contact me, things have been pretty tame on that end....though there has been some family drama around it since, nothing major and nothing that isn't easily brushed off. For the most part my family is being pretty respectful about the whole thing.
A and I have had a few conversations, nothing major, mostly A apologizing; wanting to be friends and offering me some much needed support with my newest career choice. Which I have to say is very nice of him; however, I am unsure if I am ready to do the whole friends thing... I still love him despite my poor attempts at moving on.
Moving on?!?!?!.... I know, I've tried....it hasn't really gone over well; actually that's a bit of an understatement; my attempts to move on in the man department have gone over like a tonne of bricks sitting in a concrete bowl trying to float on water. I tend to compare whoever I may be on a date with to A, and while I am doing that the inevitable "what do you want to do with your life?" question arises.... which I answer proudly, "I am in the process of joining the Canadian Forces, I plan on being a medical technician." My beaming response generally receives this wonderful next response... "Oh, so that means your leaving soon and wont be around...." followed by eyes darting around looking for the nearest exit.
Although, on a side note, on one of these occasions where guy did not just go running for the door I did manage to receive my first ever hickey... I was less than impressed by this stellar move and promptly bolted for previously mentioned door.
Ces't la Vie.
Which leads me to the CF, I am supposedly getting a call in early January to find out when I will be leaving... that's right folks I am unofficially accepted.... please hold all applause and congrats until the actually acceptance arrives and I have sworn in. Even writing this I am afraid that there will be a sudden mishap and the CF will change its mind.
Now for the best news of the evening!!! Tomorrow marks the last move of 2009!! YAY!! Now this to many doesn't seem to be exciting I know. However this is move number 4 for 2009 and I will be very ecstatic to have it completed...as you can probably tell by the amount of exclamation marks. I would also like to add, that I have packing my room down to a science, and can now complete said packing in 2 hours with boxes moved into car and labeled.
What else has happened? Hmmm... well my car, will probably not be getting sold. The windshield needs to be replaces, I need the timing belt changed on it before it goes, I just got a tune up done because the check engine light came on 2 days after I had a flat tire and today after I get it back from the dealership (where the tune up was done) I drove out to check on a friends cats (I hate cats) only to find that my front tire has a leak in it.... stupid car. Plus I owe more than it is worth and I don't want to rip someone off.
Anyway that is my life in a nutshell, more to come after the move into the new house. :)
"It's okay to put me on the top of my priority list."
- Stiletto
What I am saying is that some things; I suppose, I am just not sure I want to share. The fear of judgment is so strong that I don't want to know if people will stop reading my little blog if they find out the truth... that my optimism is just a cover for the pessimist that lays awake all night long.
However, it is my new resolution, if you will, that I blog regardless of how it may be perceived by people. For those that are truly my friends now my pessimistic side and know the drama that I hold so close to my heart. So here is yet another update to catch you up on the life and times of me.
You all know that the sperm donor has been cut out of my life, although he has tried a few times to contact me, things have been pretty tame on that end....though there has been some family drama around it since, nothing major and nothing that isn't easily brushed off. For the most part my family is being pretty respectful about the whole thing.
A and I have had a few conversations, nothing major, mostly A apologizing; wanting to be friends and offering me some much needed support with my newest career choice. Which I have to say is very nice of him; however, I am unsure if I am ready to do the whole friends thing... I still love him despite my poor attempts at moving on.
Moving on?!?!?!.... I know, I've tried....it hasn't really gone over well; actually that's a bit of an understatement; my attempts to move on in the man department have gone over like a tonne of bricks sitting in a concrete bowl trying to float on water. I tend to compare whoever I may be on a date with to A, and while I am doing that the inevitable "what do you want to do with your life?" question arises.... which I answer proudly, "I am in the process of joining the Canadian Forces, I plan on being a medical technician." My beaming response generally receives this wonderful next response... "Oh, so that means your leaving soon and wont be around...." followed by eyes darting around looking for the nearest exit.
Although, on a side note, on one of these occasions where guy did not just go running for the door I did manage to receive my first ever hickey... I was less than impressed by this stellar move and promptly bolted for previously mentioned door.
Ces't la Vie.
Which leads me to the CF, I am supposedly getting a call in early January to find out when I will be leaving... that's right folks I am unofficially accepted.... please hold all applause and congrats until the actually acceptance arrives and I have sworn in. Even writing this I am afraid that there will be a sudden mishap and the CF will change its mind.
Now for the best news of the evening!!! Tomorrow marks the last move of 2009!! YAY!! Now this to many doesn't seem to be exciting I know. However this is move number 4 for 2009 and I will be very ecstatic to have it completed...as you can probably tell by the amount of exclamation marks. I would also like to add, that I have packing my room down to a science, and can now complete said packing in 2 hours with boxes moved into car and labeled.
What else has happened? Hmmm... well my car, will probably not be getting sold. The windshield needs to be replaces, I need the timing belt changed on it before it goes, I just got a tune up done because the check engine light came on 2 days after I had a flat tire and today after I get it back from the dealership (where the tune up was done) I drove out to check on a friends cats (I hate cats) only to find that my front tire has a leak in it.... stupid car. Plus I owe more than it is worth and I don't want to rip someone off.
Anyway that is my life in a nutshell, more to come after the move into the new house. :)
"It's okay to put me on the top of my priority list."
- Stiletto
Thursday, December 3, 2009
A cause that could use some help....
So I am pimping it out on Facebook and here in my blog. It's not something I normally do, and not something you will see often in my blog but the story touches my heart a little.
Please go to the link and read about this amazing woman who is struggling, donate if you can, and pray for her and her family if you can't. Everything helps.
- Stiletto
http://www.chemoforchristmas.ca/
Please go to the link and read about this amazing woman who is struggling, donate if you can, and pray for her and her family if you can't. Everything helps.
- Stiletto
http://www.chemoforchristmas.ca/
It's been a while...
So much has happened in the past few weeks and I have been attempting to deal with all of the drama, so I haven't written in a while. I feel like I have been neglectful, but at the same time, maybe I'm subconsciously preparing myself for basic...
Anyway here is the update thus far:
CF..Still waiting on the phone call for my medical review, so far everything else has comeback golden!! All my references have been called, my credit check is fine, and my back-check has come back clear. :)
My friends have shipped off to Af'stan and have received their first set of care packages from me!! They are both apparently doing well, although one (G) fell out of a helicopter, lol; he's fine but apparently he has learned that he can perform some sweet ass ninja moves when he falls... Way to go G, hopefully you will get some much needed rest on your upcoming HLTA. :)
Now for the shitty week:
I got laid off from my job on November 23, with a small little severance payment, so I have been out searching for jobs in a jobless market... its not a good thing; but I am trying to stay somewhat positive on that front. Hopefully, I will find something soon; I feel like I am being very very lazy.
The riders lost the Grey Cup, by one measly point and all due to one extra player accidentally being on the field. It was a great game, even if the pre-game events sucked big time. What were the pre-game events you ask? Well; nothing like the partying and tail-gating that should have happened, Instead I spent all of 40 minutes with my biological father... whom we will henceforth refer to as the sperm donor.
The sperm donor showed up in the city to have a chat with me, "to set the record straight" as he says. You see I sent him an email not to long ago, saying that he should really try being a father to myself and my brother instead of asking us how to be a better father to our step-sister. He decided to inform me that he was and always has been a good father to us... If you know my life story well enough, you know that, that is not really the truth...although if you know my life story well enough you know that anything that comes out of the sperm donor's mouth generally tends to err on the side of lying. Anyway, so he showed up and I was guilted into dropping my grey cup plans to take him out or spend time with him during the game... I decided on a pub, somewhere that communication would be limited....
Unfortunately for me Sperm donor has no qualms about starting an argument in the middle of a crowded place. The yelling started about 20 minutes after we got there... until I finally had enough finger pointing in my direction demanding that I listen the Bullshit that was spewing out of his mouth, and got up to leave. I paid our waitress, apologizing for the arguing. Called my brother and asked him to come get his father and take him home. I told the sperm donor that I was done. Sperm donor then followed me out continued to sling more insults and I walked away. All the while telling myself that doing what I wanted to do (Punching the Fucker out) would only get my application revoked from the CF. In most recent messages that I received from him, (until I learned how to block people) he has decided that he is not sorry for the insults he was flinging, just for the fact that he doesn't think I am ready to hear the "truth", and then he threw some more insults in.
So now I have blocked Sperm donors entire family from me, cutting off all communication is the only way to do things as he will get other people to contact me for him, and he needs to know that I mean business, so much business that I am actually looking into changing my last name; I want nothing further to do with him.
Anyway shortly after that A made contact accusing me of being rude and hurting his feelings over my MSN name, I told him that I have had a shitty week and the fact that he thinks I am being rude is the least of my problems, and if he really wanted to know what rude was, he needed to think back to the day he broke up with me and take a look at his actions. He knows how I feel as do all of the 8 people that create my MSN list; and that unless he feels any differently about me than what he said so many months ago, it shouldn't make him feel much of anything.
I know it sounds kind of rude, but I still love A, whether I like it or not...but at that point I couldn't take anymore drama or arguing; so I signed off MSN and haven't heard a peep from him since.
Like I said the drama has been on overload lately and I am looking forward to getting good news in the near future *crosses fingers*
So in the past week I have managed to find myself, jobless, fatherless, grey cup-less and yup...still man-less. :(
Praying for something good soon;
- Stiletto
Anyway here is the update thus far:
CF..Still waiting on the phone call for my medical review, so far everything else has comeback golden!! All my references have been called, my credit check is fine, and my back-check has come back clear. :)
My friends have shipped off to Af'stan and have received their first set of care packages from me!! They are both apparently doing well, although one (G) fell out of a helicopter, lol; he's fine but apparently he has learned that he can perform some sweet ass ninja moves when he falls... Way to go G, hopefully you will get some much needed rest on your upcoming HLTA. :)
Now for the shitty week:
I got laid off from my job on November 23, with a small little severance payment, so I have been out searching for jobs in a jobless market... its not a good thing; but I am trying to stay somewhat positive on that front. Hopefully, I will find something soon; I feel like I am being very very lazy.
The riders lost the Grey Cup, by one measly point and all due to one extra player accidentally being on the field. It was a great game, even if the pre-game events sucked big time. What were the pre-game events you ask? Well; nothing like the partying and tail-gating that should have happened, Instead I spent all of 40 minutes with my biological father... whom we will henceforth refer to as the sperm donor.
The sperm donor showed up in the city to have a chat with me, "to set the record straight" as he says. You see I sent him an email not to long ago, saying that he should really try being a father to myself and my brother instead of asking us how to be a better father to our step-sister. He decided to inform me that he was and always has been a good father to us... If you know my life story well enough, you know that, that is not really the truth...although if you know my life story well enough you know that anything that comes out of the sperm donor's mouth generally tends to err on the side of lying. Anyway, so he showed up and I was guilted into dropping my grey cup plans to take him out or spend time with him during the game... I decided on a pub, somewhere that communication would be limited....
Unfortunately for me Sperm donor has no qualms about starting an argument in the middle of a crowded place. The yelling started about 20 minutes after we got there... until I finally had enough finger pointing in my direction demanding that I listen the Bullshit that was spewing out of his mouth, and got up to leave. I paid our waitress, apologizing for the arguing. Called my brother and asked him to come get his father and take him home. I told the sperm donor that I was done. Sperm donor then followed me out continued to sling more insults and I walked away. All the while telling myself that doing what I wanted to do (Punching the Fucker out) would only get my application revoked from the CF. In most recent messages that I received from him, (until I learned how to block people) he has decided that he is not sorry for the insults he was flinging, just for the fact that he doesn't think I am ready to hear the "truth", and then he threw some more insults in.
So now I have blocked Sperm donors entire family from me, cutting off all communication is the only way to do things as he will get other people to contact me for him, and he needs to know that I mean business, so much business that I am actually looking into changing my last name; I want nothing further to do with him.
Anyway shortly after that A made contact accusing me of being rude and hurting his feelings over my MSN name, I told him that I have had a shitty week and the fact that he thinks I am being rude is the least of my problems, and if he really wanted to know what rude was, he needed to think back to the day he broke up with me and take a look at his actions. He knows how I feel as do all of the 8 people that create my MSN list; and that unless he feels any differently about me than what he said so many months ago, it shouldn't make him feel much of anything.
I know it sounds kind of rude, but I still love A, whether I like it or not...but at that point I couldn't take anymore drama or arguing; so I signed off MSN and haven't heard a peep from him since.
Like I said the drama has been on overload lately and I am looking forward to getting good news in the near future *crosses fingers*
So in the past week I have managed to find myself, jobless, fatherless, grey cup-less and yup...still man-less. :(
Praying for something good soon;
- Stiletto
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Dear CF,
I know it is close to the holiday season, and that my application is just one small one in the massive pile that you have to process; however, I really really really hate my job. Therefore I would appreciate hearing from you very very soon.
I know that I have had knee surgery and I have had the one thing that you tend to look out for when saying yes or no to applicants; but if I promise not to complain if the Patella femoral pain disorder acts up, would you speed up the process a little? Because I will promise that, really, I will.
I know it seems like I am asking a lot, but really I just want to leave my job today... I would like nothing more than to go to the jack-ass who is my current boss, and let him know that he can take this job and shove it. You see CF, my current boss has decided that I am a big floozy and am dating people in my office, not just dating them but sleeping with them too... now you and I both know that I am not getting any, in fact it has been an awful long time since this has happened. And it really pisses me off that he would insinuate that and put me on some sort of watch like a child because of his opinion.
Anyway, the point that I am getting at is that I would really like to be a member of the CF, not just because of the whole shitty boss thing, but it seems to be the only thing I get excited about anymore. Like I said I know your busy and its only been 2 and a half weeks since my paperwork got sent in, but to me it feels like it has been years. And really it kind of has been years... it's just that I decided to do something about it recently. I know that in reality all this waiting should be teaching me some patience; but there is a saying that you can't teach and old dog new tricks... and CF, I am an old dog when it comes to Patience.
So please, if you could just find my application in that big pile that you have, move it to the top and stick a big red accepted stamp on it so that the recruiters here can call me and tell me when I can quit my job and start my new life that'd be awesome.
Thanks,
- Stiletto
I know that I have had knee surgery and I have had the one thing that you tend to look out for when saying yes or no to applicants; but if I promise not to complain if the Patella femoral pain disorder acts up, would you speed up the process a little? Because I will promise that, really, I will.
I know it seems like I am asking a lot, but really I just want to leave my job today... I would like nothing more than to go to the jack-ass who is my current boss, and let him know that he can take this job and shove it. You see CF, my current boss has decided that I am a big floozy and am dating people in my office, not just dating them but sleeping with them too... now you and I both know that I am not getting any, in fact it has been an awful long time since this has happened. And it really pisses me off that he would insinuate that and put me on some sort of watch like a child because of his opinion.
Anyway, the point that I am getting at is that I would really like to be a member of the CF, not just because of the whole shitty boss thing, but it seems to be the only thing I get excited about anymore. Like I said I know your busy and its only been 2 and a half weeks since my paperwork got sent in, but to me it feels like it has been years. And really it kind of has been years... it's just that I decided to do something about it recently. I know that in reality all this waiting should be teaching me some patience; but there is a saying that you can't teach and old dog new tricks... and CF, I am an old dog when it comes to Patience.
So please, if you could just find my application in that big pile that you have, move it to the top and stick a big red accepted stamp on it so that the recruiters here can call me and tell me when I can quit my job and start my new life that'd be awesome.
Thanks,
- Stiletto
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Questioning...
Yesterday was remembrance day, and like so many other who are and are not entrenched in military life, I headed out to a remembrance day ceremony.
I went there with the intention of remembering why I have the choices that I have today, why I have the freedoms, I went there thankful for everything I have in my life because I live in this amazing country and because of the people who fought so hard and those who continue to fight so hard to make sure it stayed that way not just for Canadians but for everyone. I went there to give support to some friends who are currently dealing with their significant others being deployed; and to support some of my friends that are currently deployed themselves.
It is because of the support that I wanted to give to them that for the first time in a while I was unable to ignore the cynicism around me. The 2 men who stood behind us and for the entire ceremony chatted about their views and opinions about what should be done over in Afghanistan, oblivious to anyone else's feelings, unaware that what they were saying was not falling on deaf ears, but instead was falling on the ears of people who could have gone without hearing that. It is because of the support that I wanted to give to them that had me turning around shortly after the ceremony to kindly ask another boisterous by-stander to maybe just speak his opinions a little quieter and have some compassion for those that are around him. His response was "Its freedom of speech and I will do and say what I want"...my reply "think about the reason you have that freedom of speech and show some respect."
I went home with a heavy heart wondering if maybe, just maybe what I am about to embark on will even matter to the next generation; if all that we are doing is worth it. but with a heavy heart I went in to work today, only to find that a cenotaph was vandalized on the 10th of November. I am not going to lie, I cried when I saw the picture, and then immediately felt disgusted by my generation, by the lack of respect that people in this country show. I know that it is not everyone who feels this way, I know that many people are grateful for our veterans and our serving members.... but over the last few days I have been hard pressed to find anyone, who is not currently entrenched in this lifestyle (by knowing someone who is, has or will be serving) who is grateful for their freedoms.
For the first time in a long time, I thought that maybe just maybe Canada needs to have a conflict fought on our soil… because it might open the eyes of the very spoiled generation we have living in our midst. Not that I really want to live in a country torn by war, to live in a country where my freedoms and my life can be taken away just by walking out my front door; but I am more than a little concerned that members of our community and our country who feel that they have a God-given right to say what they want, and don't take into account that the very things that they are bashing are the things that gave them that right in the first place.
All in all, the last few days made me question why I was willing and wanting to put my life on the line to protect these people; as selfish as it sounds, one of the thoughts that ran through my head, was 'why should I risk my life for you; when you don't respect what you have.' But then I looked around at the people who did care, who do appreciate what they have and the reason they have some of it... and I thought, 'I won't put my life on the line for Joe Schmuck and his right to free speech because he was born... I will put my life on the line for these people, and for my kids (God willing) and my family and friends. I will do it because I want to, Because I want my nieces and nephews and my children and my friends and family to have freedom... where they are not forced to fight.'
On a side note, I am not joining the military because I have to, I am not joining it for some Free schooling and a pension; although those are added benefits; I'm not joining because I have no other options... I am joining because I want to. I am joining because I want to go to a career every day that I am proud of and that I love, and one where I am constantly learning. I'd still do it if I won the lottery tomorrow. Its not about having to do it; its about wanting to.
Thank you to all that have served either as a member in the military or as support behind those you love; your sacrifices will not be forgotten.
- Stiletto
I went there with the intention of remembering why I have the choices that I have today, why I have the freedoms, I went there thankful for everything I have in my life because I live in this amazing country and because of the people who fought so hard and those who continue to fight so hard to make sure it stayed that way not just for Canadians but for everyone. I went there to give support to some friends who are currently dealing with their significant others being deployed; and to support some of my friends that are currently deployed themselves.
It is because of the support that I wanted to give to them that for the first time in a while I was unable to ignore the cynicism around me. The 2 men who stood behind us and for the entire ceremony chatted about their views and opinions about what should be done over in Afghanistan, oblivious to anyone else's feelings, unaware that what they were saying was not falling on deaf ears, but instead was falling on the ears of people who could have gone without hearing that. It is because of the support that I wanted to give to them that had me turning around shortly after the ceremony to kindly ask another boisterous by-stander to maybe just speak his opinions a little quieter and have some compassion for those that are around him. His response was "Its freedom of speech and I will do and say what I want"...my reply "think about the reason you have that freedom of speech and show some respect."
I went home with a heavy heart wondering if maybe, just maybe what I am about to embark on will even matter to the next generation; if all that we are doing is worth it. but with a heavy heart I went in to work today, only to find that a cenotaph was vandalized on the 10th of November. I am not going to lie, I cried when I saw the picture, and then immediately felt disgusted by my generation, by the lack of respect that people in this country show. I know that it is not everyone who feels this way, I know that many people are grateful for our veterans and our serving members.... but over the last few days I have been hard pressed to find anyone, who is not currently entrenched in this lifestyle (by knowing someone who is, has or will be serving) who is grateful for their freedoms.
For the first time in a long time, I thought that maybe just maybe Canada needs to have a conflict fought on our soil… because it might open the eyes of the very spoiled generation we have living in our midst. Not that I really want to live in a country torn by war, to live in a country where my freedoms and my life can be taken away just by walking out my front door; but I am more than a little concerned that members of our community and our country who feel that they have a God-given right to say what they want, and don't take into account that the very things that they are bashing are the things that gave them that right in the first place.
All in all, the last few days made me question why I was willing and wanting to put my life on the line to protect these people; as selfish as it sounds, one of the thoughts that ran through my head, was 'why should I risk my life for you; when you don't respect what you have.' But then I looked around at the people who did care, who do appreciate what they have and the reason they have some of it... and I thought, 'I won't put my life on the line for Joe Schmuck and his right to free speech because he was born... I will put my life on the line for these people, and for my kids (God willing) and my family and friends. I will do it because I want to, Because I want my nieces and nephews and my children and my friends and family to have freedom... where they are not forced to fight.'
On a side note, I am not joining the military because I have to, I am not joining it for some Free schooling and a pension; although those are added benefits; I'm not joining because I have no other options... I am joining because I want to. I am joining because I want to go to a career every day that I am proud of and that I love, and one where I am constantly learning. I'd still do it if I won the lottery tomorrow. Its not about having to do it; its about wanting to.
Thank you to all that have served either as a member in the military or as support behind those you love; your sacrifices will not be forgotten.
- Stiletto
Thursday, November 5, 2009
The song that is perpetually running through my head...
Doesn't it suck when life throws you into a situation and all you can do is dwell on the song lyrics because they remind you of your situation...the only problem is, is that unlike this video I probably wont get my happy ending... I doubt A will jump on a plane just to tell me he still loves me too.
Need you now - Lady Antebellum
Picture perfect memories,
scattered all around the floor
reaching for the phone,
'cause I can't fight it anymore.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind,
for me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one,
I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call, but I lost all control,
And I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now.
Another shot of whiskey,
can't stop looking at the door,
wishing you'd come sweeping in the way,
you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind,
for me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one,
I'm a little drunk, and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call,
but I lost all control,
and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now.
Oh oooooooh
I guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all
It's a quarter after one,
I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call, but I'm a little drunk,
and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now.
Oh Baby, I need you now.
A, I hate that you can still make my heart melt, and have me crumbling at your feet with only a few words.
Wishing you'd come sweep me off my feet again,
- Stiletto
Need you now - Lady Antebellum
Picture perfect memories,
scattered all around the floor
reaching for the phone,
'cause I can't fight it anymore.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind,
for me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one,
I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call, but I lost all control,
And I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now.
Another shot of whiskey,
can't stop looking at the door,
wishing you'd come sweeping in the way,
you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind,
for me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one,
I'm a little drunk, and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call,
but I lost all control,
and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now.
Oh oooooooh
I guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all
It's a quarter after one,
I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call, but I'm a little drunk,
and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now.
Oh Baby, I need you now.
A, I hate that you can still make my heart melt, and have me crumbling at your feet with only a few words.
Wishing you'd come sweep me off my feet again,
- Stiletto
You could have let me love you...
that's what you could have done.
you say you are sitting there regretting your decision to end us, A. When all you had to do was let me love you, all you had to do was let me in. Hell, that's all you still have to do, let me in, let me love you, let me show you that when things get hard, I wont waver... I wont run like they did.
A, all I ever wanted was to be the one you ran to when things got hard, the one you told everything to, the one you turned to when you were sad, the one you shared your happy moments with. You were adamant that you didn't want that, that I wasn't the one for you. And now you say you are regretting that, but you don't want to try us again. You say you miss me indescribably, and you miss everything about me, physically and emotionally, and yet you are to stubborn to see what you had, is what you can still have.
You say I deserve better and that I shouldn't want you anymore, after all, you did break my heart. But here is the problem, you still have my heart, and even though I know I shouldn't want you and I know that I deserve better, that silly little heart you hold in your hands doesn't care what I deserve, it only knows what it wants... and it wants you.
A, I told you once, that after you I doubt that anyone could take your place. I wasn't kidding, it wasn't just love soaked drivel I was telling you; it was the truth, when I said I'd wait for you forever, and that if you would let me love you forever I would. It was the truth; and although you may not want me to love you forever, my little heart can't help but do it anyway.
Even now, knowing that you think us is an impossible task to restart, my heart beats wildly at having the incling that you have thought about it. I know you better than to tell you this all right now, I know that you are emotionally shut down, because it's what you do when you are lost and confused. You have never been able to run to someone when you feel this way so you shut down; but don't you see, I realize that and I don't love you in spite of it, I love you because of it.
That's right, you tore my heart out and held it in your hands and then dropped it...and yet, like a child who doesn't know any better I still love you. I would still give you my heart again, I would still give you all the trust I have left....
I've been telling myself I am over you, hell, I've been telling everyone I am over you; but let me be honest with you now. I'm not, nor do I think I ever will be. You were my everything, you were my lover, my best friend, the man that stole my heart at a single glance.
You were my first love, that's right, the little girl that I was loved the little boy that you were, so many years ago. And now, the woman that I am loves the man that you are, and the man that you are afraid to be...still. Months of heartache on both our parts, proves that you made a mistake... we all make mistakes; the trick is to grow with them.
Whether or not 'we' ever happen again, know that you will always hold my heart in your hands... you were the only man that ever got my whole heart... its only fitting that you keep a bit of it.
I got this dream I’ve been dreamin’
The perfect picture of love
Sparks and fireworks flyin’,
almost too hot to touch
Then everything I wanted and then some
Suddenly walked in the room
I said I needed different, but maybe I spoke to soon
It’s every kind of crazy I could ever imagine
A battle raging between my head & my heart
But if you gotta have it all, that madness and passion
Then you’ll learn Ooo, you’ll learn
If you want fire It better be worth the burn
We’re either laughing or crying
Flying high or running away
But in between the thunder & lightning
There’s always another day
It’s every kind of crazy I could ever imagine
A battle raging ‘tween my head & my heart
But if you gotta have it all, that madness and passion
Then you’ll learn Ooo, you’ll learn
If you want fire It better be worth the burn
Sometimes it feels all or nothing
Sometimes it’s nothing at all
But in between those moments it’s magic
That softens the fall
It’s every kind of crazy I could ever imagine
A battle raging between my head & my heart
But if you gotta have it all that madness and passion
Then you’ll learn
Ooo, you’ll learn
If you want fire
It better be worth the burn
A; to me, you are worth the burn
- Stiletto
you say you are sitting there regretting your decision to end us, A. When all you had to do was let me love you, all you had to do was let me in. Hell, that's all you still have to do, let me in, let me love you, let me show you that when things get hard, I wont waver... I wont run like they did.
A, all I ever wanted was to be the one you ran to when things got hard, the one you told everything to, the one you turned to when you were sad, the one you shared your happy moments with. You were adamant that you didn't want that, that I wasn't the one for you. And now you say you are regretting that, but you don't want to try us again. You say you miss me indescribably, and you miss everything about me, physically and emotionally, and yet you are to stubborn to see what you had, is what you can still have.
You say I deserve better and that I shouldn't want you anymore, after all, you did break my heart. But here is the problem, you still have my heart, and even though I know I shouldn't want you and I know that I deserve better, that silly little heart you hold in your hands doesn't care what I deserve, it only knows what it wants... and it wants you.
A, I told you once, that after you I doubt that anyone could take your place. I wasn't kidding, it wasn't just love soaked drivel I was telling you; it was the truth, when I said I'd wait for you forever, and that if you would let me love you forever I would. It was the truth; and although you may not want me to love you forever, my little heart can't help but do it anyway.
Even now, knowing that you think us is an impossible task to restart, my heart beats wildly at having the incling that you have thought about it. I know you better than to tell you this all right now, I know that you are emotionally shut down, because it's what you do when you are lost and confused. You have never been able to run to someone when you feel this way so you shut down; but don't you see, I realize that and I don't love you in spite of it, I love you because of it.
That's right, you tore my heart out and held it in your hands and then dropped it...and yet, like a child who doesn't know any better I still love you. I would still give you my heart again, I would still give you all the trust I have left....
I've been telling myself I am over you, hell, I've been telling everyone I am over you; but let me be honest with you now. I'm not, nor do I think I ever will be. You were my everything, you were my lover, my best friend, the man that stole my heart at a single glance.
You were my first love, that's right, the little girl that I was loved the little boy that you were, so many years ago. And now, the woman that I am loves the man that you are, and the man that you are afraid to be...still. Months of heartache on both our parts, proves that you made a mistake... we all make mistakes; the trick is to grow with them.
Whether or not 'we' ever happen again, know that you will always hold my heart in your hands... you were the only man that ever got my whole heart... its only fitting that you keep a bit of it.
I got this dream I’ve been dreamin’
The perfect picture of love
Sparks and fireworks flyin’,
almost too hot to touch
Then everything I wanted and then some
Suddenly walked in the room
I said I needed different, but maybe I spoke to soon
It’s every kind of crazy I could ever imagine
A battle raging between my head & my heart
But if you gotta have it all, that madness and passion
Then you’ll learn Ooo, you’ll learn
If you want fire It better be worth the burn
We’re either laughing or crying
Flying high or running away
But in between the thunder & lightning
There’s always another day
It’s every kind of crazy I could ever imagine
A battle raging ‘tween my head & my heart
But if you gotta have it all, that madness and passion
Then you’ll learn Ooo, you’ll learn
If you want fire It better be worth the burn
Sometimes it feels all or nothing
Sometimes it’s nothing at all
But in between those moments it’s magic
That softens the fall
It’s every kind of crazy I could ever imagine
A battle raging between my head & my heart
But if you gotta have it all that madness and passion
Then you’ll learn
Ooo, you’ll learn
If you want fire
It better be worth the burn
A; to me, you are worth the burn
- Stiletto
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Just when I think I am Okay....
he contacts me.
I have been struggling the last few months; flopping from being okay with my life now, finding out who I am and what I want for my life. I finally figure it out and then A contacts me; and I feel the hurt all over again.
I know I should just change my number, or not answer or ignore the emails; but I can't bring myself to do it. I love him still, I know part of me always will. But I can't seem to let him go... part of me wants to, I just want to move on, but part of me wants him still, that part of me just wants her man back, the guy that she started dating and fell hopelessly in love with from the very first kiss.
I am at a loss of what to do, the contact kills me, almost as much as the lack of contact does. I know that a little piece of me is just tired of being alone, but I also know that still wanting him is bigger than that little piece. I am trying to be happy about the opportunities that are in front of me, but I feel like 90% of me is faking it.
I just want to go back to bed, I'm tired, and lonely and scared...and I just want to feel safe again.
Still longing for something that will never be;
- Stiletto
I have been struggling the last few months; flopping from being okay with my life now, finding out who I am and what I want for my life. I finally figure it out and then A contacts me; and I feel the hurt all over again.
I know I should just change my number, or not answer or ignore the emails; but I can't bring myself to do it. I love him still, I know part of me always will. But I can't seem to let him go... part of me wants to, I just want to move on, but part of me wants him still, that part of me just wants her man back, the guy that she started dating and fell hopelessly in love with from the very first kiss.
I am at a loss of what to do, the contact kills me, almost as much as the lack of contact does. I know that a little piece of me is just tired of being alone, but I also know that still wanting him is bigger than that little piece. I am trying to be happy about the opportunities that are in front of me, but I feel like 90% of me is faking it.
I just want to go back to bed, I'm tired, and lonely and scared...and I just want to feel safe again.
Still longing for something that will never be;
- Stiletto
Monday, November 2, 2009
BMQ and Bagpipes...
I have never not wanted to hear the bagpipes...
But I know on my grad parade day, I will be silently praying that they have changed the pipers.
Maybe by then I will be okay with it, maybe by then I will be able to handle seeing A again.... but right now, I'm not okay with it.
A and I shared an MSN conversation yesterday, there wasn't a lot said; however we talked a bit about basic and how he liked his new position; he wants to meet up for coffee or something of the sort while I am at basic and the proceeded to tell me that he will actually be piping at several of the grad parades in St. Jean.
I don't know if I will ever be ready to face him again, but I know that it will not be a good situation, with family members that are planning on showing up to my grad, if he is there it could make for one very unpleasant day.
Ughh...
Sorry I just needed to get this out, I know its not something I need to concern myself with right now, but at this very moment, its all I can think about.
What kills me is that he is happy and I feel like I am stuck in Limbo...
Stressed and tires of being alone and in Limbo;
- Stiletto
But I know on my grad parade day, I will be silently praying that they have changed the pipers.
Maybe by then I will be okay with it, maybe by then I will be able to handle seeing A again.... but right now, I'm not okay with it.
A and I shared an MSN conversation yesterday, there wasn't a lot said; however we talked a bit about basic and how he liked his new position; he wants to meet up for coffee or something of the sort while I am at basic and the proceeded to tell me that he will actually be piping at several of the grad parades in St. Jean.
I don't know if I will ever be ready to face him again, but I know that it will not be a good situation, with family members that are planning on showing up to my grad, if he is there it could make for one very unpleasant day.
Ughh...
Sorry I just needed to get this out, I know its not something I need to concern myself with right now, but at this very moment, its all I can think about.
What kills me is that he is happy and I feel like I am stuck in Limbo...
Stressed and tires of being alone and in Limbo;
- Stiletto
Friday, October 30, 2009
Today
As another group prepares to leave today I find myself sitting and wondering how so many of you are handling these deployments so well. I don't have a boyfriend, a fiance, or a husband on this tour. However I do have a few good friends on it, one in particular is leaving today... and the thought of him leaving for the 3rd time, to do his job...that he loves; scares me.
Due to his trade he is being sent over for a minimum of 9 months to a time of no more than 365 days... he misses Christmas, his birthday and many other family events, that I know he would want to be a part of. But instead, he is getting on a plane to serve his country. Something he knows how to do very well; with 2 tours already under his belt, (his first was in Bosnia and his 2nd was in Af'stan just over a year ago.) he does this without remorse, without fear...instead he looks forward to it; he views it as an opportunity. "There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because his conscience tells him it is right...." - Martin Luther
I am having a hard time with his tour this time around, I'm not sure if its because I am scared at the fact that one day that could be me... leaving to do something for the greater, or if it's because we missed our pre-deployment coffee tradition this time around, or a mixture of those 2 reason and many others.
Today, I am finding myself frustrated with the people in my office who are complaining about small problems... there biggest fear today is having to work late on a Friday, and there wireless Internet not connecting for parts of the afternoon. I have to admit, I am having to watch what I say to them on these comments more than ever; because today I might just tell them how it is for so many of you. Wireless Internet being down for an hour, is not a huge problem... Today, I found myself angry with one of my co-workers over a snide remark that I would have normally just shrugged off...
I would like to let those women, who are currently going through a deployment, and those of you that have been through a deployment know that; you are some of the strongest people one could ever be fortunate enough to meet. You who hold your head up high, masking the fear and the loneliness. You who religiously pack care packages, and write letters to the people you love. You who are giddy, with a soaring heart and a mile wide smile when you get the smallest conversation or email from your SO. You who go through each day, marking it off on the calender and feel a small sense of accomplishment with every X that has been made. You who fall into bed at night after a week with no phone call, and let the tears fall. You are the hero's; without the love and support that you give to your loved ones; our military wouldn't be the same. I am reminded of these to quotes when I think of a military wife:
"It is interesting to notice how some minds seem almost to create themselves, springing up under every disadvantage, and working their solitary but irresistible way through a thousand obstacles." - Washington Irving
"They merit more praise who know how to suffer misery than those who temper themselves in contentment." -Pietro Aretino
May God bless you and your families.
Until they all come home...
- Stiletto
Due to his trade he is being sent over for a minimum of 9 months to a time of no more than 365 days... he misses Christmas, his birthday and many other family events, that I know he would want to be a part of. But instead, he is getting on a plane to serve his country. Something he knows how to do very well; with 2 tours already under his belt, (his first was in Bosnia and his 2nd was in Af'stan just over a year ago.) he does this without remorse, without fear...instead he looks forward to it; he views it as an opportunity. "There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because his conscience tells him it is right...." - Martin Luther
I am having a hard time with his tour this time around, I'm not sure if its because I am scared at the fact that one day that could be me... leaving to do something for the greater, or if it's because we missed our pre-deployment coffee tradition this time around, or a mixture of those 2 reason and many others.
Today, I am finding myself frustrated with the people in my office who are complaining about small problems... there biggest fear today is having to work late on a Friday, and there wireless Internet not connecting for parts of the afternoon. I have to admit, I am having to watch what I say to them on these comments more than ever; because today I might just tell them how it is for so many of you. Wireless Internet being down for an hour, is not a huge problem... Today, I found myself angry with one of my co-workers over a snide remark that I would have normally just shrugged off...
I would like to let those women, who are currently going through a deployment, and those of you that have been through a deployment know that; you are some of the strongest people one could ever be fortunate enough to meet. You who hold your head up high, masking the fear and the loneliness. You who religiously pack care packages, and write letters to the people you love. You who are giddy, with a soaring heart and a mile wide smile when you get the smallest conversation or email from your SO. You who go through each day, marking it off on the calender and feel a small sense of accomplishment with every X that has been made. You who fall into bed at night after a week with no phone call, and let the tears fall. You are the hero's; without the love and support that you give to your loved ones; our military wouldn't be the same. I am reminded of these to quotes when I think of a military wife:
"It is interesting to notice how some minds seem almost to create themselves, springing up under every disadvantage, and working their solitary but irresistible way through a thousand obstacles." - Washington Irving
"They merit more praise who know how to suffer misery than those who temper themselves in contentment." -Pietro Aretino
May God bless you and your families.
Until they all come home...
- Stiletto
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Stupidity at a whole new level, and updates...
That's what I have created...uggghhh.
So, I have been really tired lately, and yet at night I find that I can't sleep. I'm anxious and excited and stressed and nervous and most days my stomach is in so many knots that I am nauesous more often than not; this of course makes me not really hungry... which in turn only makes me more tired.
So, I'm tired, hungry and obviously not taking care of myself very well, but I love going to the gym and yesterday was the first day where I could go back. *Note*: to all of you that like going to the gym... make sure you're not tired when you go. I had 4 minutes left to my workout, and I stepped on my ankle funny... now I am thinking I may have to go to the Dr. *SIGH*
**Please, oh please, oh please don't let it be broken**
My boss's last day is tomorrow, its pretty sad actually, I know I should be used to this as I ahve worked my way through 6 bosses now, but this boss has been here forever, he was the one that created my position for me, he was the one that forced my first boss to hire me; and now he is leaving. I am baking him a cake tonight to say thanks. Hopefully it turns out well.
*****
In other sad news we have now lost 132 Canadian soldiers.... its a scary thought. In the last week (since Monday) there have been 22 American soldiers, and 1 Canadian soldier who have left us suddenly, with countless wounded... May God protect them and keep them safe; and may he be with their families in this horrible time.
Until they all come home.
- Stiletto
So, I have been really tired lately, and yet at night I find that I can't sleep. I'm anxious and excited and stressed and nervous and most days my stomach is in so many knots that I am nauesous more often than not; this of course makes me not really hungry... which in turn only makes me more tired.
So, I'm tired, hungry and obviously not taking care of myself very well, but I love going to the gym and yesterday was the first day where I could go back. *Note*: to all of you that like going to the gym... make sure you're not tired when you go. I had 4 minutes left to my workout, and I stepped on my ankle funny... now I am thinking I may have to go to the Dr. *SIGH*
**Please, oh please, oh please don't let it be broken**
My boss's last day is tomorrow, its pretty sad actually, I know I should be used to this as I ahve worked my way through 6 bosses now, but this boss has been here forever, he was the one that created my position for me, he was the one that forced my first boss to hire me; and now he is leaving. I am baking him a cake tonight to say thanks. Hopefully it turns out well.
*****
In other sad news we have now lost 132 Canadian soldiers.... its a scary thought. In the last week (since Monday) there have been 22 American soldiers, and 1 Canadian soldier who have left us suddenly, with countless wounded... May God protect them and keep them safe; and may he be with their families in this horrible time.
Until they all come home.
- Stiletto
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