3 More sleeps, thank-yous and fears.

Life as I know it lately; has kind of been leading up to 3 days from now.

In 3 days... my life will start over again... or at least that's what it feels like.

I will be 25... for real this time. (last year I thought I was 25; turns out I was wrong...lol. In 3 days it will mark a 10 year friendship with S... The longest friendship I have ever had; and one that has seen it's share of tests. In 3 days, I will be putting in my application to join the CF, which should have been put in 2 relationships and 6 years ago, but better late than never right? I will officially be moving on and doing things for me.

The thought of that brings a tear to my eye, I'm proud of myself for reaching this point; I'm scared to be going so far out of my comfort zone; and I feel like I have a billion people on here to thank for getting me through the last few months. My world was ripped apart and I felt like the weakest person... just sitting there, unable to pick myself up off the floor, and I know I wouldn't be at the point that I am at now if it wasn't for my people. You know who you are... so thank you to all of you that came along and helped me up, when I thought standing would be impossible; this also applies to everyone who has stood beside me and helped me take steps forward lately.

Fear, disbelief, doubt, ignorance and anger are what I am getting from 90% of my civi friends as the day draws closer to putting in my application. (S... you are the exception to every rule when I talk of my civi friends... you are my civi friend that loves me and supports me no matter what, even if you don't like it.)
Fear for me joining and fighting for something they don't believe in.
Disbelief that anyone would want to do this ..."why would you fight for someone else's problems"... which I usually respond "why wouldn't you?"
Doubt that I will pass basic or stick with the path that I have chosen... obviously some of my civi friends don't know me very well... :)
Ignorance... The unknowingness that surrounds us all except they like to express it. "I would never join, that is a stupid idea, and no one would be able to make me.. I am my own man." which usually gets them a quick "you would if you were drafted, or if your home was the one being threatened... but thanks to the brave, courageous people that volunteer to fight for you, you don't have too." and then the dumbfounded 'i never thought of that' look crosses their face and there perspectives all of a sudden change.
and Finally Anger. Anger that I am 'leaving' them; anger at my 'selfishness' which I tend to believe that they were actually trying to say selflessness. (Or at least I decided that last night during a conversation with a fellow MG where we were discussing civi's and that lack of respect that they have for the men and women who are putting their lives on the line at times... to protect and un-grateful nation.)

But then on the flip side, I have S, my mom and my MG's. They stand up for me when I can't, they dry my tears when I don't feel I have the strength to do it myself. Without them I wouldn't be able to do this. From them I get strength, knowledge, courage and faith.
Strength... to pick myself up, to make it through each step and each day... and I will hold onto that strength in the months that lie ahead.
Knowledge... to know that I am selfish in doing something for me. They think I am brave and an inspiration and although they may be scared for me, they let me know that a lot.
Courage... They give me the courage to do what they know I can, they believe in me; especially when I don't, despite there fears, despite what they are going through at the time... they are there to give me that extra push to do the best that I can, to face my fears and step outside my comfort zone. They give me the courage to find happiness.
All of this means that they have faith in me... amazing considering most of the MG's I am talking about I have yet to meet. So to S, mom and my fellow MG's (or ex-MG's)... Thank-you.

I'm scared that I will fail and people will be disappointed in me. I'm scared to move and leave S, L, Mom, sister... and various other family members; but I'm excited all at the same time to be taking this step. I'm afraid that I will loose touch with those I care most about, I know that relationships change, and the good ones last forever... but its still daunting to think about.

Today my fear is getting to me... today I want to hug S, and know that 5 years from now we will still celebrate our anniversary even if we have to send cards in the mail... I want to know that although everything seems like it is about to change... that nothing will change to much.

Laters;
- Stiletto