Neglegance....

I started this blog in a time of uncertainty, hoping beyond all hope the journaling would allow me to sort through the mass of emotions that I was feeling. It seems, that at times, my emotional turmoil is best left not written about.


What I am saying is that some things; I suppose, I am just not sure I want to share. The fear of judgment is so strong that I don't want to know if people will stop reading my little blog if they find out the truth... that my optimism is just a cover for the pessimist that lays awake all night long.


However, it is my new resolution, if you will, that I blog regardless of how it may be perceived by people. For those that are truly my friends now my pessimistic side and know the drama that I hold so close to my heart. So here is yet another update to catch you up on the life and times of me.


You all know that the sperm donor has been cut out of my life, although he has tried a few times to contact me, things have been pretty tame on that end....though there has been some family drama around it since, nothing major and nothing that isn't easily brushed off. For the most part my family is being pretty respectful about the whole thing.

A and I have had a few conversations, nothing major, mostly A apologizing; wanting to be friends and offering me some much needed support with my newest career choice. Which I have to say is very nice of him; however, I am unsure if I am ready to do the whole friends thing... I still love him despite my poor attempts at moving on.

Moving on?!?!?!.... I know, I've tried....it hasn't really gone over well; actually that's a bit of an understatement; my attempts to move on in the man department have gone over like a tonne of bricks sitting in a concrete bowl trying to float on water. I tend to compare whoever I may be on a date with to A, and while I am doing that the inevitable "what do you want to do with your life?" question arises.... which I answer proudly, "I am in the process of joining the Canadian Forces, I plan on being a medical technician." My beaming response generally receives this wonderful next response... "Oh, so that means your leaving soon and wont be around...." followed by eyes darting around looking for the nearest exit.

Although, on a side note, on one of these occasions where guy did not just go running for the door I did manage to receive my first ever hickey... I was less than impressed by this stellar move and promptly bolted for previously mentioned door.

Ces't la Vie.

Which leads me to the CF, I am supposedly getting a call in early January to find out when I will be leaving... that's right folks I am unofficially accepted.... please hold all applause and congrats until the actually acceptance arrives and I have sworn in. Even writing this I am afraid that there will be a sudden mishap and the CF will change its mind.

Now for the best news of the evening!!! Tomorrow marks the last move of 2009!! YAY!! Now this to many doesn't seem to be exciting I know. However this is move number 4 for 2009 and I will be very ecstatic to have it completed...as you can probably tell by the amount of exclamation marks. I would also like to add, that I have packing my room down to a science, and can now complete said packing in 2 hours with boxes moved into car and labeled.

What else has happened? Hmmm... well my car, will probably not be getting sold. The windshield needs to be replaces, I need the timing belt changed on it before it goes, I just got a tune up done because the check engine light came on 2 days after I had a flat tire and today after I get it back from the dealership (where the tune up was done) I drove out to check on a friends cats (I hate cats) only to find that my front tire has a leak in it.... stupid car. Plus I owe more than it is worth and I don't want to rip someone off.

Anyway that is my life in a nutshell, more to come after the move into the new house. :)

"It's okay to put me on the top of my priority list."
- Stiletto

A cause that could use some help....

So I am pimping it out on Facebook and here in my blog. It's not something I normally do, and not something you will see often in my blog but the story touches my heart a little.

Please go to the link and read about this amazing woman who is struggling, donate if you can, and pray for her and her family if you can't. Everything helps.

- Stiletto

http://www.chemoforchristmas.ca/

It's been a while...

So much has happened in the past few weeks and I have been attempting to deal with all of the drama, so I haven't written in a while. I feel like I have been neglectful, but at the same time, maybe I'm subconsciously preparing myself for basic...

Anyway here is the update thus far:

CF..Still waiting on the phone call for my medical review, so far everything else has comeback golden!! All my references have been called, my credit check is fine, and my back-check has come back clear. :)

My friends have shipped off to Af'stan and have received their first set of care packages from me!! They are both apparently doing well, although one (G) fell out of a helicopter, lol; he's fine but apparently he has learned that he can perform some sweet ass ninja moves when he falls... Way to go G, hopefully you will get some much needed rest on your upcoming HLTA. :)

Now for the shitty week:

I got laid off from my job on November 23, with a small little severance payment, so I have been out searching for jobs in a jobless market... its not a good thing; but I am trying to stay somewhat positive on that front. Hopefully, I will find something soon; I feel like I am being very very lazy.

The riders lost the Grey Cup, by one measly point and all due to one extra player accidentally being on the field. It was a great game, even if the pre-game events sucked big time. What were the pre-game events you ask? Well; nothing like the partying and tail-gating that should have happened, Instead I spent all of 40 minutes with my biological father... whom we will henceforth refer to as the sperm donor.

The sperm donor showed up in the city to have a chat with me, "to set the record straight" as he says. You see I sent him an email not to long ago, saying that he should really try being a father to myself and my brother instead of asking us how to be a better father to our step-sister. He decided to inform me that he was and always has been a good father to us... If you know my life story well enough, you know that, that is not really the truth...although if you know my life story well enough you know that anything that comes out of the sperm donor's mouth generally tends to err on the side of lying. Anyway, so he showed up and I was guilted into dropping my grey cup plans to take him out or spend time with him during the game... I decided on a pub, somewhere that communication would be limited....

Unfortunately for me Sperm donor has no qualms about starting an argument in the middle of a crowded place. The yelling started about 20 minutes after we got there... until I finally had enough finger pointing in my direction demanding that I listen the Bullshit that was spewing out of his mouth, and got up to leave. I paid our waitress, apologizing for the arguing. Called my brother and asked him to come get his father and take him home. I told the sperm donor that I was done. Sperm donor then followed me out continued to sling more insults and I walked away. All the while telling myself that doing what I wanted to do (Punching the Fucker out) would only get my application revoked from the CF. In most recent messages that I received from him, (until I learned how to block people) he has decided that he is not sorry for the insults he was flinging, just for the fact that he doesn't think I am ready to hear the "truth", and then he threw some more insults in.

So now I have blocked Sperm donors entire family from me, cutting off all communication is the only way to do things as he will get other people to contact me for him, and he needs to know that I mean business, so much business that I am actually looking into changing my last name; I want nothing further to do with him.

Anyway shortly after that A made contact accusing me of being rude and hurting his feelings over my MSN name, I told him that I have had a shitty week and the fact that he thinks I am being rude is the least of my problems, and if he really wanted to know what rude was, he needed to think back to the day he broke up with me and take a look at his actions. He knows how I feel as do all of the 8 people that create my MSN list; and that unless he feels any differently about me than what he said so many months ago, it shouldn't make him feel much of anything.

I know it sounds kind of rude, but I still love A, whether I like it or not...but at that point I couldn't take anymore drama or arguing; so I signed off MSN and haven't heard a peep from him since.

Like I said the drama has been on overload lately and I am looking forward to getting good news in the near future *crosses fingers*

So in the past week I have managed to find myself, jobless, fatherless, grey cup-less and yup...still man-less. :(

Praying for something good soon;
- Stiletto

Dear CF,

I know it is close to the holiday season, and that my application is just one small one in the massive pile that you have to process; however, I really really really hate my job. Therefore I would appreciate hearing from you very very soon.

I know that I have had knee surgery and I have had the one thing that you tend to look out for when saying yes or no to applicants; but if I promise not to complain if the Patella femoral pain disorder acts up, would you speed up the process a little? Because I will promise that, really, I will.

I know it seems like I am asking a lot, but really I just want to leave my job today... I would like nothing more than to go to the jack-ass who is my current boss, and let him know that he can take this job and shove it. You see CF, my current boss has decided that I am a big floozy and am dating people in my office, not just dating them but sleeping with them too... now you and I both know that I am not getting any, in fact it has been an awful long time since this has happened. And it really pisses me off that he would insinuate that and put me on some sort of watch like a child because of his opinion.

Anyway, the point that I am getting at is that I would really like to be a member of the CF, not just because of the whole shitty boss thing, but it seems to be the only thing I get excited about anymore. Like I said I know your busy and its only been 2 and a half weeks since my paperwork got sent in, but to me it feels like it has been years. And really it kind of has been years... it's just that I decided to do something about it recently. I know that in reality all this waiting should be teaching me some patience; but there is a saying that you can't teach and old dog new tricks... and CF, I am an old dog when it comes to Patience.

So please, if you could just find my application in that big pile that you have, move it to the top and stick a big red accepted stamp on it so that the recruiters here can call me and tell me when I can quit my job and start my new life that'd be awesome.

Thanks,
- Stiletto

Questioning...

Yesterday was remembrance day, and like so many other who are and are not entrenched in military life, I headed out to a remembrance day ceremony.

I went there with the intention of remembering why I have the choices that I have today, why I have the freedoms, I went there thankful for everything I have in my life because I live in this amazing country and because of the people who fought so hard and those who continue to fight so hard to make sure it stayed that way not just for Canadians but for everyone. I went there to give support to some friends who are currently dealing with their significant others being deployed; and to support some of my friends that are currently deployed themselves.

It is because of the support that I wanted to give to them that for the first time in a while I was unable to ignore the cynicism around me. The 2 men who stood behind us and for the entire ceremony chatted about their views and opinions about what should be done over in Afghanistan, oblivious to anyone else's feelings, unaware that what they were saying was not falling on deaf ears, but instead was falling on the ears of people who could have gone without hearing that. It is because of the support that I wanted to give to them that had me turning around shortly after the ceremony to kindly ask another boisterous by-stander to maybe just speak his opinions a little quieter and have some compassion for those that are around him. His response was "Its freedom of speech and I will do and say what I want"...my reply "think about the reason you have that freedom of speech and show some respect."

I went home with a heavy heart wondering if maybe, just maybe what I am about to embark on will even matter to the next generation; if all that we are doing is worth it. but with a heavy heart I went in to work today, only to find that a cenotaph was vandalized on the 10th of November. I am not going to lie, I cried when I saw the picture, and then immediately felt disgusted by my generation, by the lack of respect that people in this country show. I know that it is not everyone who feels this way, I know that many people are grateful for our veterans and our serving members.... but over the last few days I have been hard pressed to find anyone, who is not currently entrenched in this lifestyle (by knowing someone who is, has or will be serving) who is grateful for their freedoms.

For the first time in a long time, I thought that maybe just maybe Canada needs to have a conflict fought on our soil… because it might open the eyes of the very spoiled generation we have living in our midst. Not that I really want to live in a country torn by war, to live in a country where my freedoms and my life can be taken away just by walking out my front door; but I am more than a little concerned that members of our community and our country who feel that they have a God-given right to say what they want, and don't take into account that the very things that they are bashing are the things that gave them that right in the first place.

All in all, the last few days made me question why I was willing and wanting to put my life on the line to protect these people; as selfish as it sounds, one of the thoughts that ran through my head, was 'why should I risk my life for you; when you don't respect what you have.' But then I looked around at the people who did care, who do appreciate what they have and the reason they have some of it... and I thought, 'I won't put my life on the line for Joe Schmuck and his right to free speech because he was born... I will put my life on the line for these people, and for my kids (God willing) and my family and friends. I will do it because I want to, Because I want my nieces and nephews and my children and my friends and family to have freedom... where they are not forced to fight.'

On a side note, I am not joining the military because I have to, I am not joining it for some Free schooling and a pension; although those are added benefits; I'm not joining because I have no other options... I am joining because I want to. I am joining because I want to go to a career every day that I am proud of and that I love, and one where I am constantly learning. I'd still do it if I won the lottery tomorrow. Its not about having to do it; its about wanting to.

Thank you to all that have served either as a member in the military or as support behind those you love; your sacrifices will not be forgotten.
- Stiletto

The song that is perpetually running through my head...

Doesn't it suck when life throws you into a situation and all you can do is dwell on the song lyrics because they remind you of your situation...the only problem is, is that unlike this video I probably wont get my happy ending... I doubt A will jump on a plane just to tell me he still loves me too.

Need you now - Lady Antebellum

Picture perfect memories,
scattered all around the floor
reaching for the phone,
'cause I can't fight it anymore.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind,
for me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one,
I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call, but I lost all control,
And I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey,
can't stop looking at the door,
wishing you'd come sweeping in the way,
you did before.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind,
for me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one,
I'm a little drunk, and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call,
but I lost all control,
and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now.

Oh oooooooh
I guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all

It's a quarter after one,
I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call, but I'm a little drunk,
and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now.

Oh Baby, I need you now.


A, I hate that you can still make my heart melt, and have me crumbling at your feet with only a few words.

Wishing you'd come sweep me off my feet again,
- Stiletto

You could have let me love you...

that's what you could have done.

you say you are sitting there regretting your decision to end us, A. When all you had to do was let me love you, all you had to do was let me in. Hell, that's all you still have to do, let me in, let me love you, let me show you that when things get hard, I wont waver... I wont run like they did.

A, all I ever wanted was to be the one you ran to when things got hard, the one you told everything to, the one you turned to when you were sad, the one you shared your happy moments with. You were adamant that you didn't want that, that I wasn't the one for you. And now you say you are regretting that, but you don't want to try us again. You say you miss me indescribably, and you miss everything about me, physically and emotionally, and yet you are to stubborn to see what you had, is what you can still have.

You say I deserve better and that I shouldn't want you anymore, after all, you did break my heart. But here is the problem, you still have my heart, and even though I know I shouldn't want you and I know that I deserve better, that silly little heart you hold in your hands doesn't care what I deserve, it only knows what it wants... and it wants you.

A, I told you once, that after you I doubt that anyone could take your place. I wasn't kidding, it wasn't just love soaked drivel I was telling you; it was the truth, when I said I'd wait for you forever, and that if you would let me love you forever I would. It was the truth; and although you may not want me to love you forever, my little heart can't help but do it anyway.

Even now, knowing that you think us is an impossible task to restart, my heart beats wildly at having the incling that you have thought about it. I know you better than to tell you this all right now, I know that you are emotionally shut down, because it's what you do when you are lost and confused. You have never been able to run to someone when you feel this way so you shut down; but don't you see, I realize that and I don't love you in spite of it, I love you because of it.

That's right, you tore my heart out and held it in your hands and then dropped it...and yet, like a child who doesn't know any better I still love you. I would still give you my heart again, I would still give you all the trust I have left....

I've been telling myself I am over you, hell, I've been telling everyone I am over you; but let me be honest with you now. I'm not, nor do I think I ever will be. You were my everything, you were my lover, my best friend, the man that stole my heart at a single glance.

You were my first love, that's right, the little girl that I was loved the little boy that you were, so many years ago. And now, the woman that I am loves the man that you are, and the man that you are afraid to be...still. Months of heartache on both our parts, proves that you made a mistake... we all make mistakes; the trick is to grow with them.

Whether or not 'we' ever happen again, know that you will always hold my heart in your hands... you were the only man that ever got my whole heart... its only fitting that you keep a bit of it.

I got this dream I’ve been dreamin’
The perfect picture of love
Sparks and fireworks flyin’,
almost too hot to touch
Then everything I wanted and then some
Suddenly walked in the room
I said I needed different, but maybe I spoke to soon

It’s every kind of crazy I could ever imagine
A battle raging between my head & my heart
But if you gotta have it all, that madness and passion
Then you’ll learn Ooo, you’ll learn
If you want fire It better be worth the burn

We’re either laughing or crying
Flying high or running away
But in between the thunder & lightning
There’s always another day

It’s every kind of crazy I could ever imagine
A battle raging ‘tween my head & my heart
But if you gotta have it all, that madness and passion
Then you’ll learn Ooo, you’ll learn
If you want fire It better be worth the burn

Sometimes it feels all or nothing
Sometimes it’s nothing at all
But in between those moments it’s magic
That softens the fall

It’s every kind of crazy I could ever imagine
A battle raging between my head & my heart
But if you gotta have it all that madness and passion
Then you’ll learn
Ooo, you’ll learn
If you want fire
It better be worth the burn


A; to me, you are worth the burn
- Stiletto

Just when I think I am Okay....

he contacts me.

I have been struggling the last few months; flopping from being okay with my life now, finding out who I am and what I want for my life. I finally figure it out and then A contacts me; and I feel the hurt all over again.

I know I should just change my number, or not answer or ignore the emails; but I can't bring myself to do it. I love him still, I know part of me always will. But I can't seem to let him go... part of me wants to, I just want to move on, but part of me wants him still, that part of me just wants her man back, the guy that she started dating and fell hopelessly in love with from the very first kiss.

I am at a loss of what to do, the contact kills me, almost as much as the lack of contact does. I know that a little piece of me is just tired of being alone, but I also know that still wanting him is bigger than that little piece. I am trying to be happy about the opportunities that are in front of me, but I feel like 90% of me is faking it.

I just want to go back to bed, I'm tired, and lonely and scared...and I just want to feel safe again.

Still longing for something that will never be;
- Stiletto

BMQ and Bagpipes...

I have never not wanted to hear the bagpipes...

But I know on my grad parade day, I will be silently praying that they have changed the pipers.

Maybe by then I will be okay with it, maybe by then I will be able to handle seeing A again.... but right now, I'm not okay with it.

A and I shared an MSN conversation yesterday, there wasn't a lot said; however we talked a bit about basic and how he liked his new position; he wants to meet up for coffee or something of the sort while I am at basic and the proceeded to tell me that he will actually be piping at several of the grad parades in St. Jean.

I don't know if I will ever be ready to face him again, but I know that it will not be a good situation, with family members that are planning on showing up to my grad, if he is there it could make for one very unpleasant day.

Ughh...

Sorry I just needed to get this out, I know its not something I need to concern myself with right now, but at this very moment, its all I can think about.

What kills me is that he is happy and I feel like I am stuck in Limbo...

Stressed and tires of being alone and in Limbo;
- Stiletto

Today

As another group prepares to leave today I find myself sitting and wondering how so many of you are handling these deployments so well. I don't have a boyfriend, a fiance, or a husband on this tour. However I do have a few good friends on it, one in particular is leaving today... and the thought of him leaving for the 3rd time, to do his job...that he loves; scares me.

Due to his trade he is being sent over for a minimum of 9 months to a time of no more than 365 days... he misses Christmas, his birthday and many other family events, that I know he would want to be a part of. But instead, he is getting on a plane to serve his country. Something he knows how to do very well; with 2 tours already under his belt, (his first was in Bosnia and his 2nd was in Af'stan just over a year ago.) he does this without remorse, without fear...instead he looks forward to it; he views it as an opportunity. "There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because his conscience tells him it is right...." - Martin Luther

I am having a hard time with his tour this time around, I'm not sure if its because I am scared at the fact that one day that could be me... leaving to do something for the greater, or if it's because we missed our pre-deployment coffee tradition this time around, or a mixture of those 2 reason and many others.

Today, I am finding myself frustrated with the people in my office who are complaining about small problems... there biggest fear today is having to work late on a Friday, and there wireless Internet not connecting for parts of the afternoon. I have to admit, I am having to watch what I say to them on these comments more than ever; because today I might just tell them how it is for so many of you. Wireless Internet being down for an hour, is not a huge problem... Today, I found myself angry with one of my co-workers over a snide remark that I would have normally just shrugged off...

I would like to let those women, who are currently going through a deployment, and those of you that have been through a deployment know that; you are some of the strongest people one could ever be fortunate enough to meet. You who hold your head up high, masking the fear and the loneliness. You who religiously pack care packages, and write letters to the people you love. You who are giddy, with a soaring heart and a mile wide smile when you get the smallest conversation or email from your SO. You who go through each day, marking it off on the calender and feel a small sense of accomplishment with every X that has been made. You who fall into bed at night after a week with no phone call, and let the tears fall. You are the hero's; without the love and support that you give to your loved ones; our military wouldn't be the same. I am reminded of these to quotes when I think of a military wife:

"It is interesting to notice how some minds seem almost to create themselves, springing up under every disadvantage, and working their solitary but irresistible way through a thousand obstacles." - Washington Irving

"They merit more praise who know how to suffer misery than those who temper themselves in contentment." -Pietro Aretino

May God bless you and your families.

Until they all come home...

- Stiletto

Stupidity at a whole new level, and updates...

That's what I have created...uggghhh.

So, I have been really tired lately, and yet at night I find that I can't sleep. I'm anxious and excited and stressed and nervous and most days my stomach is in so many knots that I am nauesous more often than not; this of course makes me not really hungry... which in turn only makes me more tired.

So, I'm tired, hungry and obviously not taking care of myself very well, but I love going to the gym and yesterday was the first day where I could go back. *Note*: to all of you that like going to the gym... make sure you're not tired when you go. I had 4 minutes left to my workout, and I stepped on my ankle funny... now I am thinking I may have to go to the Dr. *SIGH*

**Please, oh please, oh please don't let it be broken**

My boss's last day is tomorrow, its pretty sad actually, I know I should be used to this as I ahve worked my way through 6 bosses now, but this boss has been here forever, he was the one that created my position for me, he was the one that forced my first boss to hire me; and now he is leaving. I am baking him a cake tonight to say thanks. Hopefully it turns out well.

*****

In other sad news we have now lost 132 Canadian soldiers.... its a scary thought. In the last week (since Monday) there have been 22 American soldiers, and 1 Canadian soldier who have left us suddenly, with countless wounded... May God protect them and keep them safe; and may he be with their families in this horrible time.

Until they all come home.
- Stiletto

Exhausted....

I am at the end of the process... well, sort of; now I just play the CF waiting game... and who knows how long that will be.

I wont be heading off to basic until January at the earliest, My medical will probably be a set back for me... as I am predisposed to knee issues and they aren't sure if the PCOS will cause issues as well.... sigh. I had to go and get a piece of paper signed by the person that did my laser eye surgery... so they aren't going to be able to send my application off until Friday at the earliest...and then its supposed to be 2-6 weeks from then before I will even hear an answer.

On the good side I passed my interview with flying colors!!

In other news... A good friend of mine is leaving for the Af'stan soon... G be safe, and if you see a camel spider; shoot to kill not to maim... or it'll come after you. And yes, I will be sending you care packages and letters... maybe not so much while I'm in basic (if I make it there)...but I'll try to keep the letter writing going :)

Halloween is fast approaching, my favorite holiday... you can dress up however you want and no one says anything. lol. I have no idea what I am going to be this year, but I do know I do not want to sit at home. L and her B and AG and I are all supposed to do something, but what, I have no idea. We shall see what happens come Saturday.

It seems as if the last few weeks have been go go go... non-stop action all the time. It doesn't look like it is going to slow down anytime soon though. I am quite enjoying having a life, but at the same time, I'm not used to this much activity; so much so that you literally need to book me in advance if you want to see me... lol. I've had to turn down quite a few invitations to go out s of late due to other plans that I have had.

Ah well, I must be off to work, then to the gym and possibly out to coffee and costume shopping tonight.
Waiting for the madness to stop;
- Stiletto

A hero:

AG wrote a very touching blog for her husband yesterday; it was an amazing blog, filled with love and hope. She touched on hero's in her blog, which got me thinking about who my hero's are....I decided to write my own blog to recognize some of my heroes.


Hero:
1. a person of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.
2. a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal.


I have a hero, actually I have a few heroes... My hero's come in all different shapes and sizes, and I've found that there is no age limit to being heroic in someones eyes; and an act of heroic measures can be found throughout almost any ones lives, if we look for it; however it isn't often that our hero's would believe that they are truly our hero's to them, they are just doing what they believe they need or needed to do.


My 10 year old nephew (Puddin Head) Is one of my hero's... He stood up to someone a short while back, he showed more of a backbone than I have seen in a while. And the person he stood up to is someone most children and in this case most of my family does not stand up to. He didn't do it out of malice or spite, only concern and love. He stood up to his dad.... He did so because he loves his dad, however he also loves his step-mom and his 2 baby sisters. I admire him for this brave deed and showing such a noble quality... Puddin Head you are my hero.


My mom, often times, when we grow into adulthood we realize that our parents weren't really that bad, and truth be told they did an amazing job at raising us especially all throughout our rebellious teen years. We often tell them this, we show them our respect and our thankfulness more and more often as we get older, and then even more so when we have our own little hellions to raise. However; my mom is my hero because of all she did while raising us. A person of distinguished courage or ability... that is my mom. Never have I met someone with such a tremendous amount of courage. For those of you that don't know my parents are divorced, my mom left her life, where there was some semblance of security, and took us to my grandparents home (the only comfortable place she knew). She drove a standard for the first time with us in the backseat fighting the whole 6 hour trip....all to provide us with something better, knowing that she to deserved more. Later on in life, she did it again, for me. She was faced with a choice, one that she shouldn't have had to make, and she chose that I was more important. My mom is amazing, My mom is a hero, a role model, someone in which I will constantly strive to be like....Thanks Mom.

S....S is a big hero of mine, although I am sure she doesn't know it. S became the first best friend I have had, 10 years and 23 days ago I met someone who has always been there when I have needed her, and I strive to do the same for her. Yes, our lives have taken different paths, and they will continue to do so; However I know that even when we are miles away, I can still call her and she will still answer the phone and be there for me as much as she can. S came into my life at a time where I wasn't sure how my life would pan out... in the darker days, when I wasn't sure I wanted much of a life... S picked me up (little did she know) and carried me with her friendship, she accepted me for who I was, and she still accepts me for who I have grown to be. S, you have no idea how much of a hero and an inspiration you are to me, and how much of one you continue to be. You have shown me what a true friendship should be like, and have allowed me to see how 2 healthy relationships work (both yours and your parents) I will never be able to thank you enough for that... I am truly blessed that our relationship has lasted so long, even through all of the stuff its been through.

I have many other heroes...many of the MG's I have met are hero's of mine, and should be considered hero's the world over; they give up so much and get no glory from it. They show courage everyday and are faced with many trying situations.

Like I said heroism can be found just about everywhere you look, and I could list 100's of people on here; and how each has effected my life....these are just a few, some of which I don't tell often enough just how much they mean to me...

"There are heroes who walk among us, never looking for glory or praise. They don't seek recognition for their thoughtful, caring ways. Living lives of deep commitment, providing for those they hold dear. Steadfast with a quiet strength, through times of laughter and tears. You are a person like that to me. The most selfless by far."

- Stiletto

Date #1

If you asked me way back in July if I would date again... I would have told you no. but life goes on and I have found that you need to adapt and move with it or you just get left behind... and no one wants to be left behind.

So today I went on my first date in a loooooong time. It was actually a pretty decent date with a really decent guy although I don't see any potential ...

A mix of emotions has filled me as of recently and I am not 100% sure that it is fair to anyone to start something that would have to put on hold for months and months while I am away doing my training, and I really don't feel like putting my life on hold (once again) for something. But am I really ready to date...No.

The date went really well, there was a lot of laughing, and never a lack of conversation but some topics that we talked about held some red flags for me. I am finding that the older I get the more I know what I want out of life and the less I am willing to change what I want for someone else.... after all Cinderella got it all, why can't I?

Anyway back to the date, it wasn't much of anything but walking and talking, we got ice cream and just chatted about things, life in general, a bit about our backgrounds and what each of us wanted in the future (this is where I saw red flags). Our views of what the future held were vastly different, however I kept my mouth shut on this for the time being as people don't need to know right away that I want babies, and that I am sort of on a timed schedule for them. Its not really a first date topic... there was also a lot of talk about why someone would join the military and why someone would choose to leave it. There seemed to be a lot of talk as to why someone would leave, leading me to believe that he didn't realize that people stayed in the CF for life, make a career out of it. (which is my plan right now....but we all know plans change)....And the word crazy came up a lot in reference to joining the military... I have yet to establish of that is a good crazy or a bad crazy.

Time will tell I suppose, but I am deciding right now to be a little more decisive in these matters than I have been in the past. Red flags are always red flags and I have learned my lesson in hoping that that the red flags will go away.

living for me has never been so complicated and educational,
- Stiletto

The coming week...

Wow, I feel like things are moving so fast and yet at the same time they are moving so slow.

It is the end of October...It's hard to believe that it was only 21 days ago today that I put my application in to join the CF...On Tuesday I have my medical and my interview...that's 25 days, I thought that maybe it would take me 2 or 3 months to get to this point.

Now 21 days later here I am anxiously awaiting Tuesday, wondering if I am prepared enough for the interview, if i have all my information that I need for my medical, and wondering how long the medical will take to come back, I've heard anywhere between 3 and 5 weeks. That will put me on the merit list somewhere between November 17th and December 1st!!

If it doesn't come back until December 1st, that means I wont go out to basic until early next year... if it comes back on the 17th I could be leaving as early as December 3rd.... its crazy to know that my life is now being controlled by someone else.... it will be nice to not leave until after Christmas though, it means that the time that I am in the field will be a little warmer...muddy, but warmer. However it means that its a few more weeks waiting. waiting to start my new career.

Its a scary thought, starting an entirely new career, it feels like I am doing this so late in life, that if I had only done things for me sooner I would be entrenched in the life and I may have followed a different path, not had to deal with some of the heartache...but then I think about the friends I've made, the people I've met and the lessons I have learned along the way, and I don't think that I would want that changed...I mean how many times do you make such good friends through the Internet that they would fly out to visit you for a weekend.... without you even asking them to. I know I have made friends for life, and I guess most of the nerves I am feeling is because of the fact that I have such an amazing support group...people that have been by my side and supporting me for years and people that feel like they have been by my side supporting me for years.

Through one of these people, I am beginning to find part of me that I have neglected for a long time... I am beginning to find my faith again. It is an amazing feeling, because having my faith come back makes me feel like I can do anything. It is just another thing for me to hang onto when I am away and missing everyone that has so impacted my life. I will hang on to the fact that not only do they believe in me but also in the fact that "through Christ I can do anything"

Mantra for the week of October 25, 2009
- Fear: You either face it or run from it - but if you run from it you chance missing something amazing.

- Stiletto

Dating????

Singledom... you think it sounds kind of good when your in a relationship and in an exasperating argument with your 'loved' one....and then it comes... The day in which you suddenly find yourself single and your head is left spinning just a little bit and all you can think is 'What the Fuck? How did that happen?'

But alas you follow the grieving process, all along (if your like me) torturing yourself in the process, trying to figure out what is going on with the elusive ex now. Asking yourself random and unimportant questions like: is he happy? is he fine without me? Is he living with her? (this last one usually brings on another WTF moment, when you realize that although you can sniff out a liar with the best of them sometimes a liars cologne is to strong to sniff them out.)

Then suddenly you wake up one day, and although you still hurt, all you can think about is getting back up on that horse... mind the pun...after all a woman must ride again sometime. This folks is the stage that I am at...I hurt still, I am not going to lie. I don't think the hurt will fully stop until I find someone who I care more about; it is a fact that I am slowly trying to accept. So I am at the get back up on that horse stage; this is normally a good thing, a sign that one is moving on and is attempting to embrace singledom (it may be a poor attempt, but attempting is better than lying in a pile of Kleenex on your bathroom floor wishing God would take you away from the hurt...because in the melodramatic state that you have been left in this seems like the most viable option). However in my case the timing of the get back up on that horse stage couldn't be worse.

It's not that I don't want to date, its that I feel I can't. I should share that not only am I a serial monogamous, I am also a serial long term relationship type of person... even my 'friends' were more long term than short term... for those of you that have known me for a while now... we can all remember Q.... my 2 year 'friends-with-benefits-turned-confusing'. And of course the only 2 guys I've ever really dated (A and B) one of which I was engaged to and one of which we were planning a life together including babies....S, we wont count Farmer E...because that never really got far.

So I am leaving for basic training....eventually, one day probably sooner than later.... and it is hard on a relationship... but on a new relationship; it just wouldn't work.... and yet here I stand with cell phone in hand agreeing to meet AG's friend and AG at a pub tomorrow...just to check it (*cough* him) out. And yet this comes the day after I texted back L's friend telling him that no I wasn't looking for a relationship of any sort nor would I like to go on a date...I didn't think it was fair to start something knowing I was leaving shortly... and unlike back int he day (when I was 18ish) one night stands just don't appeal to me.

Knowing that tomorrow night isn't really a date, but it could potentially lead to one has me in cold sweats and fits of giddiness all at the same time.... I'm so confused and torn, but I am not going to let life happen while I wait for things to start, if there is anything that the past 6 years has taught me its that. second chances don't happen often, 3rd chances are even more rare...and that's how I am looking at this next chapter... my 3rd attempt to get my life on the track that it maybe should have been on in the first place....

This weeks Mantra:
"It's okay to live a little...you deserve to have fun too!"
- Stiletto

Perspective from the other side...

Holy emotions Batman.

I am normal a very level headed, fairly unemotional being...or at least I was (after I grew out of the teenage drama stage of life of course).

Now I have found myself in a fit of emotions lately, up to and including a mini-breakdown yesterday. By breakdown I mean, tears, swearing and pondering as to whether or not I could actually do this. (join the military).

Yesterday I felt as if I was regressing.... The sad part was this was all brought on by the realization that I was going to sell my car. I know S, I told you I would sell it to KB (K- Your Brother-In-Law) and I will, it just didn't hit me until yesterday. I know what you are all thinking... 'it's just a car'. And it is just a car, but at the same time, it is so not 'just a car'. That car was my victory, That car was all I had to my name when I left B. In fact it wasn't even in my name, and it wasn't until recently that I was finally able to get B to relinquish and sign it over to me. It was a year and a half long battle to do that to finally get my car as 'mine'...and now I'm just supposed to let it go.

Now I am supposed to start this next phase with nothing...literally. No love interest, no possessions, almost no debt.... nothing. It's hard to know that at 20 I had more than what I do now. Or at least that was my thought process for most of the day yesterday. And then I got home, downed a glass of wine and realized something very important that I hope to hold onto and remember those days in basic where I feel like giving up. I have nothing, possession wise. My material list of possessions is short. What I do have, what I have gained over the past 5 years while I was loosing my material possessions was something waaaaaaaaaaay more important than a car.

What I have now, is a family. No, not the type of family I thought I would have at this time; but one that lifts me up when I need it, one that although they are hurt at times by my decision to join the CF, they are still proud of me, they will still catch me when I start to fall. I have a family that will tell me their hurts and pains and joys, and allow me to help them, console them and rejoice with them.
I have 2 wives; S, my first wife...and L, my military wife. I have my mom, and about 6 other peoples moms as well...each one looking out for me and each other, they are around not only to mother me, but to be the support system for each other. And I have a whole slew of siblings... my biological ones, my MG ones and my in-law ones (whether they are ex in-laws or not doesn't matter). Even S's husbandish K...he is like a big brother; the guy that better take care of S while I am gone; not that I doubt for a second that he wont... but I still have to say it.

Yesterday I felt selfish, for only thinking about myself when I made this decision.... today I feel blessed, to have such an amazing 'family'. One that is willing to stand behind me and not only think that I'm not selfish, but one that also reminds me that they are proud of me for making this decision for me and me alone.

And When I have nothing left to give.... I know I have them to lean on, I know that as long as I remember that...nothing will hold me back.

Thankful for all that I have gained;
- Stiletto

Family?

Normally I love my family.

Sure I have my days where I would rather slam my head into a brick wall than spend time with them, but who doesn't?

However, lately I am feeling nothing but disappointment when talking to certain members of my family. Now it could just be me getting antsy about the new endeavour that I am taking on, or really I could just be being overly picky and a little bitchy. But at the moment I am really craving some family time. I know that the next 2 years at least; will not be filled with it.

However; when I ask certain member of my family for some quality time I get nothing, no response, no even possible date made to spend some time with each other. I usually just get a "not now, need to go". But all of a sudden when I have other things planned I need to drop what I am doing to do you a favor, because if I don't I become the bitch, the bad guy, or the irresponsible, inconsiderate family member.

Then there are the family members that fake the relationship, not that that's a new thing, they always have and yet it still never ceases to actually piss me off. You know who you are. If your going to ask a question of me to get an answer that you want; don't do it under the guise of something remotely nice; just grow a pair and tell me the real reason, its less disappointing that way.

I know my decision has upset a lot of people, whether they admit to it or not, I know that there are certain people who still believe that I am not going through with this; they seem to forget that I always finish what I start, that once I put my mind to something I rarely back out of it; and if i do it is with damn good reason. So today, I give up.

If you are only going to treat me as a person that can do things for you, go fuck yourself. I am so done with all the people in my life that just use me to help them when they need it, without any thought as to how they might be effecting me. Family or not, it's not worth my fucking time.

"Lack of planning on your part, does not constitute an emergency on mine"

Pissed off, disappointed and a little ashamed at your actions;
- Stiletto

Thanksgiving....

Ahhh, my last thanksgiving with my family for a while...well most likely anyway.

And we celebrated last week as no one was going to be here. Nevermind the fact that no one was here last thanksgiving and they all made the same plans for this year, they know that I wont be seeing them much after the new year starts....and yet when I suggest a family get together it is usually passed over with little thought.

Shitty, but fine; whatever I will just have to deal with it. The closer to the end of this process that I get the more time I want to spend with my family, unfortunatley; I dont think they feel the same, either that or they don't believe that I am going through with this. (It'll suck when they finally figure that out)

So my thanksgiving consisted of Bukleys, bynadryll and tylenol cold and flu and the couch... wonderful I know. But the highlight was that I got to go see coludy with a chance of meatballs in 3D yesterday with AG...Then we scammed her facebook page for single men for me. Not that I am seriously looking but the thought of actually having prospects intrigued me a little. (also scared me shitless....but you go with what you've got right? focusing on the positive intrigue not the scared gaping feeling)

Anyway, enough bitching from me. I completed my aptitude test today, seemed pretty simpe, although it has been years since I've done basic algebra and math with fractions. Hopefully I did well. I also got my medical and interview scheduled for this month. Crazy how quickly everything is happening.

Hoping to be off to basic by the new year;
- Stiletto

My timeline for the recruiting process:

Recruiting Center: CFRC Calgary
Regular/Reserve: Regular
Officer/NCM: NCM
Trade Choice 1: Med Tech
Trade Choice 2: AES Ops (This was full - so no dice)
Trade Choice 3: RMS Clerk
Application Date: October 2, 2009
First Contact: October 2, 2009
CFAT: October 8, 2009 reschduled to Oct. 13 due to illness.
Interview: October 27, 2009
Medical: October 27, 2009 - not sent off until Oct. 30, 2009 needed to get a form filled out by opthamologist.
Medical Back: December 15, 2009
References contacted: References were contacted the week of the 26th of October.
Backcheck Complete: November 1, 2009
Merit Listed: December 15, 2009
Position Offered: January 4, 2009
Sworn In: February 10, 2009
BMQ starts on: March 1, 2009

I lost my first choice as all the positions were filled as of December 30th. There were also no Army or Air positions left which is why I was given Navy.

Ammendment...

I got a call from the Recruiting center today!!

Aptitude test is booked!!!

Holy this is moving fast :)

Waiting...

I know it has only been 3 business days since I handed in my application. But I want to know now!

I am waiting for anyone of my references to call me and tell me that they were contacted.
I'm waiting for the call from the recruiter saying come on in for your testing now.
I'm waiting on the CF... the CF that makes you wait and wait and wait some more.

Just ask E she has been waiting an awful long time for some decent quality time with her man. Or L who has been waiting and waiting for B to be released...

All the waiting that everyone has to do is probably why everyone knows that the CF's motto is 'Hurry up, and wait'.

I'm trying to keep myself occupied in the mean time, but one can only go to the gym for so many hours a day...plus the gym isn't a good place for me to be right now... there's to much distraction at the gym...and I need to concentrate.

*sigh*

Still waiting,
- Stiletto

The application is in!!!

Yesterday was my birthday. It was also the day that I decided to put in my application to join the military!

It was a great day, my nerves were on edge and I was shaking a little when I walked in there but after a few short minutes of talking to one recruiter and then another and being regaled with tales of basic training and getting some great tips; my hands stopped shaking and I started to get even more excited.

I sat down with the Sgt. that is now handling my application and we went through the process of joining and we filled out my application, my security clearnace forms, crossed all the T's and dotted all the I's. My carrer manager (the Sgt.) is also one of the interviwers, he said that I need to look at the ROTP program (which is the officer training program). He informed me that with my leadership skills and the fact that I have chaired many different events was a huge boost to my CV (resume). With all that being said he processed my application the way it was, and I promised to look into the ROTP programs. I left the recruiting center and was buzzing from the excietment of it all.

I later got a call from the recruiter (45 minutes after I left) and he informed me that my third trade choice was closed so he wasn't able to put my application in. Which I thought left me with just one trade option as I didn't think I qualified for the second trade that I picked. However he then went on to let me know that I do actually qualify for both of my other trade options and that I needed to think about that as well. He said he would call back in about 3 weeks to set up my interview, apptitude test and medical dates and said that I should get things in order as he can see me being off to basic by the end of the year!!

Thinking about yesterday I get a little emotional, for so long I have been struggling to find something that gives me that buzz, that brings back that passion and opens some doors for me; and yesterday I found it. The doors are opening everywhere I look and its the best feeling in the world.

Elated, ecstatic and now waiting on the CF;
- Stiletto

Sometimes comments are best left unsaid

In a few short months I have forged new friendships with amazing people, most of whom I have never met.

Today, I was shocked, appaled and pissed off to read a post that was placed on a wall in a group that has been all about support. Yes, people are entitled to their opinions... but people should also know that there is a time and a place for everything and now was not the time, and a support forum was not the place.

Yes, everyone is entitiled to their own political views; however if you are going to voice your political views, get the facts straight and make sure you aren't confusing one countries politics with another.

My heart hurts for the friends that I have made that are going through one of the toughest times in their life right now, it breaks for my friends that are off fighting for freedom and a cause...

I understand that people may not support war, I wouldn't ask anyone to. I am not a supporter of war, however show some respect. You don't need to support war in order to support those that are serving in one, they don't just do this for them, they do this for a bigger purpose, they do this to make a difference. Our soldiers are not over their acting soley on orders; our soldiers re trained to think for themselves to make good moral decisons and to have someone say otherwise throws me into a fit of rage and upset.

To all of my friends that are overseas, to all of you that have a SO overseas, I am truly sorry if you had to read any of that ignorant drivel.

My regards and prayers to all of you and your SO's
- Stiletto

3 More sleeps, thank-yous and fears.

Life as I know it lately; has kind of been leading up to 3 days from now.

In 3 days... my life will start over again... or at least that's what it feels like.

I will be 25... for real this time. (last year I thought I was 25; turns out I was wrong...lol. In 3 days it will mark a 10 year friendship with S... The longest friendship I have ever had; and one that has seen it's share of tests. In 3 days, I will be putting in my application to join the CF, which should have been put in 2 relationships and 6 years ago, but better late than never right? I will officially be moving on and doing things for me.

The thought of that brings a tear to my eye, I'm proud of myself for reaching this point; I'm scared to be going so far out of my comfort zone; and I feel like I have a billion people on here to thank for getting me through the last few months. My world was ripped apart and I felt like the weakest person... just sitting there, unable to pick myself up off the floor, and I know I wouldn't be at the point that I am at now if it wasn't for my people. You know who you are... so thank you to all of you that came along and helped me up, when I thought standing would be impossible; this also applies to everyone who has stood beside me and helped me take steps forward lately.

Fear, disbelief, doubt, ignorance and anger are what I am getting from 90% of my civi friends as the day draws closer to putting in my application. (S... you are the exception to every rule when I talk of my civi friends... you are my civi friend that loves me and supports me no matter what, even if you don't like it.)
Fear for me joining and fighting for something they don't believe in.
Disbelief that anyone would want to do this ..."why would you fight for someone else's problems"... which I usually respond "why wouldn't you?"
Doubt that I will pass basic or stick with the path that I have chosen... obviously some of my civi friends don't know me very well... :)
Ignorance... The unknowingness that surrounds us all except they like to express it. "I would never join, that is a stupid idea, and no one would be able to make me.. I am my own man." which usually gets them a quick "you would if you were drafted, or if your home was the one being threatened... but thanks to the brave, courageous people that volunteer to fight for you, you don't have too." and then the dumbfounded 'i never thought of that' look crosses their face and there perspectives all of a sudden change.
and Finally Anger. Anger that I am 'leaving' them; anger at my 'selfishness' which I tend to believe that they were actually trying to say selflessness. (Or at least I decided that last night during a conversation with a fellow MG where we were discussing civi's and that lack of respect that they have for the men and women who are putting their lives on the line at times... to protect and un-grateful nation.)

But then on the flip side, I have S, my mom and my MG's. They stand up for me when I can't, they dry my tears when I don't feel I have the strength to do it myself. Without them I wouldn't be able to do this. From them I get strength, knowledge, courage and faith.
Strength... to pick myself up, to make it through each step and each day... and I will hold onto that strength in the months that lie ahead.
Knowledge... to know that I am selfish in doing something for me. They think I am brave and an inspiration and although they may be scared for me, they let me know that a lot.
Courage... They give me the courage to do what they know I can, they believe in me; especially when I don't, despite there fears, despite what they are going through at the time... they are there to give me that extra push to do the best that I can, to face my fears and step outside my comfort zone. They give me the courage to find happiness.
All of this means that they have faith in me... amazing considering most of the MG's I am talking about I have yet to meet. So to S, mom and my fellow MG's (or ex-MG's)... Thank-you.

I'm scared that I will fail and people will be disappointed in me. I'm scared to move and leave S, L, Mom, sister... and various other family members; but I'm excited all at the same time to be taking this step. I'm afraid that I will loose touch with those I care most about, I know that relationships change, and the good ones last forever... but its still daunting to think about.

Today my fear is getting to me... today I want to hug S, and know that 5 years from now we will still celebrate our anniversary even if we have to send cards in the mail... I want to know that although everything seems like it is about to change... that nothing will change to much.

Laters;
- Stiletto

The weekend

Normally I find time to post on the weekend, but this weekend just seemed to fly by so fast, and I didn't even do half the stuff I was going to.

I went home Friday night, and decided that I wasn't going to go the gym all weekend. I need to get rid of this cold, and maybe D is right sometimes you just have to take some time off in order to heal yourself properly. So Friday night we just sat around watching TV and I played around on my computer creating designs and such for a project that E and I are working on getting started.

Saturday was the Zoo...L, AG (she is a new comer to being written about in here) and my self were supposed to go but AG ended up needing to do something very important... (she is trying to surprise her currently deployed hubby with a gift!!) so she didn't end up making it but I will try to get out to see her for coffee sometime this week. Anyway I picked up some coffee for me, L and L's B as he was home and then headed out to the zoo... L and I just walked around and chatted, didn't view a lot of the animals that were there as we tended to get a little engrossed in our conversation. Ah well, it was fun!!

Sunday I was just going to clean and relax but ended up not really doing either, went shopping with mom to get her some new runners as she is also training with D. and then we decided to make banana bread... which turned out to be banana bread cupcakes, we are currently living at her boyfriends house and he does not own a loaf pan... we also don't have a good banana bread recipe, but they turned out alright.

This week should be pretty busy as well, and I am having mixed emotions about this week. I only work 4 days this week as my birthday (which I am still trying very hard to be excited about) is on Friday, I am also handing in my application to join the CF and have decided to let my boss know about this after I've handed in my application. I am helping L out at her work tonight, and then Tuesday/Thursday I am back at the gym with D; and Wednesday I am picking up mom's Boyfriend at the airport.

4 more sleeps until I hand in my application!!!
Laters,
- Stiletto

Drama, Drama, Drama...

*Sigh*

So much drama...Did I ever tell you how much I hate drama? And yet drama seems to follow me wherever I go... and now apparently I am creating my own drama without even knowing it.

Drama makes me sick, it really has a negative impact on me physically, and the last few days have been full of it.

First B with his not paying the tickets he had on our old car... a year and a half later and I am paying for the huge amounts of fines with $$ I don't have. Thanks Visa and cash withdrawals that you can make (hopefully the first and last time I will ever have to do that)

Then A took me off his friends list on facebook, after our long 'lets be friends' talk, and even though we were going to be 'silent friends' for the moment and try living our lives we were still going to stay friends. So it was quite the shock when I went to write a message to his sister and he was no longer a friends we had in common.

So in my stupidity and shock I asked him about it... the response I got back confused the shit out of me. "It was a really bitter pill to swallow seeing you with your arm wrapped around another man and saying how cute you think he is."

Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?! By the way the picture he was talking about was of me going to get to see Lady Antebellum and we got to get our picture taken with the band. There is a guy in the band (Charles Kelley) who is like 9ft. tall and I swoon a little over tall guys...yeah, so 3 weeks after he leaves me there is a picture of him kissing another girl, and yet it was a hard pill for him to swallow...

Plus there is some drama happening with an MG right now and I feel really bad for her, but at the same time it kind of upsets me that A thought I wasn't strong enough to do this, to live this life, and yet I was no where near the breaking point that this fellow MG is at. I don't get it, and I know I never will. I hope that she gets through this and everything is okay between her and her husband, but I just don't get it.

And now the GM for Calgary is leaving and he is leaving a week early... which sucks because I know the next guy will be an idiot... So hope the CF excepts me soon. 8 more days until I put in my application!! YAY!!

Anyway all this drama is making me sick... sick enough that I cancelled tonight's training with D, because I'd rather not only be able to do 50% of my workout. Stupid chest congestion.

So all I can say is *Sigh*
De Die in Diem.... Day by day...
- Stiletto

The roller coaster that was my day.

Okay so I'm sick and I had a training session today...

Not really a good combination considering how hard my workouts are.

But I went anyway, because I am sure that the people at basic aren't going to care if I have a slight cold.... I'll have to work through it, so I might as well get used to it.

My day was on the verge of sucking though, I had lunch with MainT and MainL; MainL is acting like a bigger jackass by the day. He basically told me I wasn't welcome at lunch...even though MainT invited me.

I went in to renew my license and get a few other things in order, and discovered that B had 2 tickets on the car we had together that was under my license that he hadn't paid in a year... that's right another 250$ that he is Fucked me out of... Ugggh.

So that caused a lot of drama, I feel really drained when there is drama in my life, So I was drained when I was waiting for my training session to begin and I really had no desire to go, but like I said I went anyway... and now I am glad I did.

D might be coming to my birthday!! and the even better part... I pumped off 10 full push-ups today... that's right folks... 10!!! I did it twice too!!! I was so happy it was a great end to a blahhh day.

Well, I am exhausted so it is off to bed for me....
Laters all;
- Stiletto

50....

Woot! I never thought I'd make it...

I never kept a journal or a diary as a child, but I did enjoy writing. Usually you would find little bits of insight into my life on a scrap piece of paper or in the middle of an essay I happened to be writing for school.

So when I started this blog, I figured I would be done with it pretty quickly, after-all it's just a high tech diary...sans the 'I <3 Billy' drawings and scribbles you would, I assume, normally find in some girls diary. I mean really I can even stick this between the mattresses of my bed if I wanted to (YAY for laptops). But alas, my high-tech diary has been more than scribbles and drawings of a lonely little girl; its been my outlet to get me through the crap. Its been a way to catalogue the ups and downs, its so easy to go back in time now and read exactly how I was feeling. One click of a mouse button; and I am transported back to a good day or a bad day. And another click can bring me back to reality and allow me to reflect on the past.

The best part of this blog though, is that it talks back...That's right, I really do read the comments that are posted, though I don't always respond. But how many diary's did you keep as a kid that would talk back to you? None. I get so excited when I write a new blog, whether it be a rant or some self revelation that I felt the need to jot down; and I go away for a day or 2 and comeback to find that my 'dairy' has an opinion of what I wrote!!!

So now 50 posts and 11 followers in, I feel like I should keep doing this. This blog has gotten me through a lot so far, and knowing that I am going to have some pretty big, life-changing situations come up, I think it will only serve to help me more.

I <3 ???....:)
- Stiletto

Fear for the unknown and anger at the ignorant...

I'm getting cranky.

Lying here in my bed, unable to sleep, yet again.

All I have been thinking about lately is the doubt and the nay-saying that seems to be popping up everywhere I turn. I read a blog post by L and a few by E... and they moved me.

Their words were so accurate and yet I was able to twist it a little into how the stuff that they are currently dealing with, stuff that I have been through with A, into how it is effecting me and my life right now. I know, it sounds a little selfish; but that's not what I am going for here. I feel for them, and every other MG or serving person out there. It is a shitty life, full of fears, pain, anger, disappointment and hurt. But there is an upside in it as well, something that only those who have been a part of this life will ever see.

The upside to this life, I hope, will never cease to amaze me. It is the bond that is automatic between perfect strangers going through the same things; its how much more you appreciate your partner, how much more the little things count and the trivial things don't... Its appreciating a phone call in the middle of the night and learning that sometimes the best words ever aren't "I love you" sometimes the best words that you can here are "I'm okay" or even more simply "Hi"

I look at L and E and I see 2 of the strongest women out there...and they don't even know there own strength some days. And it angers me that they, along with many others, are having their strength questioned by people that have no right to question it... and even worse yet, having it questioned by people that should understand as they are going through it too.

To all the SO's of a military person out there...If you have been through a deployment, a tasking or any sort of training; reach down and share your experience with someone who is scared and just starting their first. And for those of you who haven't, snide remarks are not appreciated; you too will one day suffer one of these, and when that time comes; the people that you were being snide to will have a choice to help you through it or not... and regardless of whether you have or not: Don't judge how someone else is handling the situation... you don't know what else is going on in their lives; and it is different for everyone.

Now with that being said I need to do another little rant here... Sometimes in life, we need to learn to keep our fucking mouths shut. I know, that this is a hard concept for most, but lets all pass that message on.

I am tired of being looked at like I have grown an extra head when I tell people what I want to do with my life... Yes, I am aware that not everyone will support my decision. But please, please stop making the faces, and stop with the negative comments, I don't need them, MG's don't need them, and serving members don't need them either...

Seriously, if you need to make a face, make it elsewhere. If you need to add in your 2 cents about how you know someone, who knows someone who knows someones cousin and he went over to the sandbox... and he came back all crazy and that I should be worried about how I am going to be effected "when I shoot a little kid..." maybe that is a comment best left un-said. The guy that you don't know who went over, he probably had to see a lot of crap while he was there, you would come back changed as well... however, if you didn't know him before, do you really know if he is crazy now... or are you just speculating along with everyone else? And yes, I am aware that sometimes, I may end up having to do something that I really don't want to do; but if it was between you saving not only yourself but many other people and having to pull a trigger... what would you do?

I am normally a very "yay!! you have an opinion type person" I know many peoples opinions on this war, and their political opinions on what Canada should do about it... I have my opinions on it. However; there is a fine line between stating your opinion and trying to force it down every ones throat. And with that, when you have an opinion, please make sure its yours and you can back it up with facts... do not steal someone else's ideals, and then try to debate a serving member or one of their family members on 'your' view of how things should be when you know nothing of what is going on.

Now to answer the burning question that everyone seems to ask... Yes, I am scared, I am scared shitless... and I'll shed some more light on that for everyone as well... I think all SO's and family of serving members are scared... I also think that there is a certain level of fear in every single serving member as well. So yes there is fear. I fear the unknown, just like you do, the only difference is, I am willing to face those fears...

I know that there are people that just need to make sure that everyone knows their opinion on things, but all I am asking is that when dealing with someone who is entrenched in this life... Is to have a little respect and understanding. You may not agree with what is being done. But 9/10 they don't like it much either... But keep in mind they are doing this so you wont have too. I am doing this, so the people I love the most, aren't forced too.

I know that its scary, I know that my impact will probably be small, but I want to look back on my life and know that I did what I could to make this world a little better, a little safer and maybe just a little bit easier for someone else.

/End Rants
- Stiletto

A weekend away....

Wow... I feel like I've missed so much this weekend.

I was wrapped up in my own bubble doing my own thing, had a few drinks and then a few more. (Okay, so I had lots to drink and allowed myself that as I don't get drunk very often... try once every 4 or 5 years if that)

I said good-bye to B... and got all the paperwork signed that I needed signed by him... although we still have to go to the bank and close our joint account (and yes I am aware at how over-due that is)

I got to see my 'second family'. S's mom and dad were in town for S's sons second birthday. It was a blast, also got to see S's little sister hmmm... we will have to call her little S as D is already taken and her big brother... who has always been like a big brother to me too... Yay for J. They all know about my decision and are pretty supportive on it; so that is cool.

S's son was so cute all day Saturday, we played and went to the zoo and just chilled with the family. I am definitely going to miss those family events and functions, I am going to miss a lot of things....and its been leaving me a little nostalgic lately. (and I'm not even in the CF yet)

MainT and I rocked it up at the Keith Urban concert, that was fun... one of the best concerts I have ever seen.

I didn't make it out to the gym at all this weekend and I feel like crap for it. It's sad that the gym has become such a big part of my life, but I guess kind of fitting.

I also didn't make it on to CMS or the computer all weekend... It was strange not being connected, and I feel like I missed so much in the 3 days I was AWOL. (For you non military types that is Absent Without Leave)... I was so excited to read everything this morning that I was up after only 5 hours of sleep.... kind of like Christmas, only better cause I'm not big on Christmas.

Anyway here is the countdown list for today:
12 More days until I hand in my application
12 More days until I turn 25...
2 more days in the gym with D this week...which will leave me with...
16 more sessions left with D by the end of the week.
6 More push ups needed consistently in order to pass the CF Express test.

That's all for now,
- Stiletto