Life as I know it lately; has kind of been leading up to 3 days from now.
In 3 days... my life will start over again... or at least that's what it feels like.
I will be 25... for real this time. (last year I thought I was 25; turns out I was wrong...lol. In 3 days it will mark a 10 year friendship with S... The longest friendship I have ever had; and one that has seen it's share of tests. In 3 days, I will be putting in my application to join the CF, which should have been put in 2 relationships and 6 years ago, but better late than never right? I will officially be moving on and doing things for me.
The thought of that brings a tear to my eye, I'm proud of myself for reaching this point; I'm scared to be going so far out of my comfort zone; and I feel like I have a billion people on here to thank for getting me through the last few months. My world was ripped apart and I felt like the weakest person... just sitting there, unable to pick myself up off the floor, and I know I wouldn't be at the point that I am at now if it wasn't for my people. You know who you are... so thank you to all of you that came along and helped me up, when I thought standing would be impossible; this also applies to everyone who has stood beside me and helped me take steps forward lately.
Fear, disbelief, doubt, ignorance and anger are what I am getting from 90% of my civi friends as the day draws closer to putting in my application. (S... you are the exception to every rule when I talk of my civi friends... you are my civi friend that loves me and supports me no matter what, even if you don't like it.)
Fear for me joining and fighting for something they don't believe in.
Disbelief that anyone would want to do this ..."why would you fight for someone else's problems"... which I usually respond "why wouldn't you?"
Doubt that I will pass basic or stick with the path that I have chosen... obviously some of my civi friends don't know me very well... :)
Ignorance... The unknowingness that surrounds us all except they like to express it. "I would never join, that is a stupid idea, and no one would be able to make me.. I am my own man." which usually gets them a quick "you would if you were drafted, or if your home was the one being threatened... but thanks to the brave, courageous people that volunteer to fight for you, you don't have too." and then the dumbfounded 'i never thought of that' look crosses their face and there perspectives all of a sudden change.
and Finally Anger. Anger that I am 'leaving' them; anger at my 'selfishness' which I tend to believe that they were actually trying to say selflessness. (Or at least I decided that last night during a conversation with a fellow MG where we were discussing civi's and that lack of respect that they have for the men and women who are putting their lives on the line at times... to protect and un-grateful nation.)
But then on the flip side, I have S, my mom and my MG's. They stand up for me when I can't, they dry my tears when I don't feel I have the strength to do it myself. Without them I wouldn't be able to do this. From them I get strength, knowledge, courage and faith.
Strength... to pick myself up, to make it through each step and each day... and I will hold onto that strength in the months that lie ahead.
Knowledge... to know that I am selfish in doing something for me. They think I am brave and an inspiration and although they may be scared for me, they let me know that a lot.
Courage... They give me the courage to do what they know I can, they believe in me; especially when I don't, despite there fears, despite what they are going through at the time... they are there to give me that extra push to do the best that I can, to face my fears and step outside my comfort zone. They give me the courage to find happiness.
All of this means that they have faith in me... amazing considering most of the MG's I am talking about I have yet to meet. So to S, mom and my fellow MG's (or ex-MG's)... Thank-you.
I'm scared that I will fail and people will be disappointed in me. I'm scared to move and leave S, L, Mom, sister... and various other family members; but I'm excited all at the same time to be taking this step. I'm afraid that I will loose touch with those I care most about, I know that relationships change, and the good ones last forever... but its still daunting to think about.
Today my fear is getting to me... today I want to hug S, and know that 5 years from now we will still celebrate our anniversary even if we have to send cards in the mail... I want to know that although everything seems like it is about to change... that nothing will change to much.
Laters;
- Stiletto
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
The weekend
Normally I find time to post on the weekend, but this weekend just seemed to fly by so fast, and I didn't even do half the stuff I was going to.
I went home Friday night, and decided that I wasn't going to go the gym all weekend. I need to get rid of this cold, and maybe D is right sometimes you just have to take some time off in order to heal yourself properly. So Friday night we just sat around watching TV and I played around on my computer creating designs and such for a project that E and I are working on getting started.
Saturday was the Zoo...L, AG (she is a new comer to being written about in here) and my self were supposed to go but AG ended up needing to do something very important... (she is trying to surprise her currently deployed hubby with a gift!!) so she didn't end up making it but I will try to get out to see her for coffee sometime this week. Anyway I picked up some coffee for me, L and L's B as he was home and then headed out to the zoo... L and I just walked around and chatted, didn't view a lot of the animals that were there as we tended to get a little engrossed in our conversation. Ah well, it was fun!!
Sunday I was just going to clean and relax but ended up not really doing either, went shopping with mom to get her some new runners as she is also training with D. and then we decided to make banana bread... which turned out to be banana bread cupcakes, we are currently living at her boyfriends house and he does not own a loaf pan... we also don't have a good banana bread recipe, but they turned out alright.
This week should be pretty busy as well, and I am having mixed emotions about this week. I only work 4 days this week as my birthday (which I am still trying very hard to be excited about) is on Friday, I am also handing in my application to join the CF and have decided to let my boss know about this after I've handed in my application. I am helping L out at her work tonight, and then Tuesday/Thursday I am back at the gym with D; and Wednesday I am picking up mom's Boyfriend at the airport.
4 more sleeps until I hand in my application!!!
Laters,
- Stiletto
I went home Friday night, and decided that I wasn't going to go the gym all weekend. I need to get rid of this cold, and maybe D is right sometimes you just have to take some time off in order to heal yourself properly. So Friday night we just sat around watching TV and I played around on my computer creating designs and such for a project that E and I are working on getting started.
Saturday was the Zoo...L, AG (she is a new comer to being written about in here) and my self were supposed to go but AG ended up needing to do something very important... (she is trying to surprise her currently deployed hubby with a gift!!) so she didn't end up making it but I will try to get out to see her for coffee sometime this week. Anyway I picked up some coffee for me, L and L's B as he was home and then headed out to the zoo... L and I just walked around and chatted, didn't view a lot of the animals that were there as we tended to get a little engrossed in our conversation. Ah well, it was fun!!
Sunday I was just going to clean and relax but ended up not really doing either, went shopping with mom to get her some new runners as she is also training with D. and then we decided to make banana bread... which turned out to be banana bread cupcakes, we are currently living at her boyfriends house and he does not own a loaf pan... we also don't have a good banana bread recipe, but they turned out alright.
This week should be pretty busy as well, and I am having mixed emotions about this week. I only work 4 days this week as my birthday (which I am still trying very hard to be excited about) is on Friday, I am also handing in my application to join the CF and have decided to let my boss know about this after I've handed in my application. I am helping L out at her work tonight, and then Tuesday/Thursday I am back at the gym with D; and Wednesday I am picking up mom's Boyfriend at the airport.
4 more sleeps until I hand in my application!!!
Laters,
- Stiletto
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Drama, Drama, Drama...
*Sigh*
So much drama...Did I ever tell you how much I hate drama? And yet drama seems to follow me wherever I go... and now apparently I am creating my own drama without even knowing it.
Drama makes me sick, it really has a negative impact on me physically, and the last few days have been full of it.
First B with his not paying the tickets he had on our old car... a year and a half later and I am paying for the huge amounts of fines with $$ I don't have. Thanks Visa and cash withdrawals that you can make (hopefully the first and last time I will ever have to do that)
Then A took me off his friends list on facebook, after our long 'lets be friends' talk, and even though we were going to be 'silent friends' for the moment and try living our lives we were still going to stay friends. So it was quite the shock when I went to write a message to his sister and he was no longer a friends we had in common.
So in my stupidity and shock I asked him about it... the response I got back confused the shit out of me. "It was a really bitter pill to swallow seeing you with your arm wrapped around another man and saying how cute you think he is."
Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?! By the way the picture he was talking about was of me going to get to see Lady Antebellum and we got to get our picture taken with the band. There is a guy in the band (Charles Kelley) who is like 9ft. tall and I swoon a little over tall guys...yeah, so 3 weeks after he leaves me there is a picture of him kissing another girl, and yet it was a hard pill for him to swallow...
Plus there is some drama happening with an MG right now and I feel really bad for her, but at the same time it kind of upsets me that A thought I wasn't strong enough to do this, to live this life, and yet I was no where near the breaking point that this fellow MG is at. I don't get it, and I know I never will. I hope that she gets through this and everything is okay between her and her husband, but I just don't get it.
And now the GM for Calgary is leaving and he is leaving a week early... which sucks because I know the next guy will be an idiot... So hope the CF excepts me soon. 8 more days until I put in my application!! YAY!!
Anyway all this drama is making me sick... sick enough that I cancelled tonight's training with D, because I'd rather not only be able to do 50% of my workout. Stupid chest congestion.
So all I can say is *Sigh*
De Die in Diem.... Day by day...
- Stiletto
So much drama...Did I ever tell you how much I hate drama? And yet drama seems to follow me wherever I go... and now apparently I am creating my own drama without even knowing it.
Drama makes me sick, it really has a negative impact on me physically, and the last few days have been full of it.
First B with his not paying the tickets he had on our old car... a year and a half later and I am paying for the huge amounts of fines with $$ I don't have. Thanks Visa and cash withdrawals that you can make (hopefully the first and last time I will ever have to do that)
Then A took me off his friends list on facebook, after our long 'lets be friends' talk, and even though we were going to be 'silent friends' for the moment and try living our lives we were still going to stay friends. So it was quite the shock when I went to write a message to his sister and he was no longer a friends we had in common.
So in my stupidity and shock I asked him about it... the response I got back confused the shit out of me. "It was a really bitter pill to swallow seeing you with your arm wrapped around another man and saying how cute you think he is."
Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?! By the way the picture he was talking about was of me going to get to see Lady Antebellum and we got to get our picture taken with the band. There is a guy in the band (Charles Kelley) who is like 9ft. tall and I swoon a little over tall guys...yeah, so 3 weeks after he leaves me there is a picture of him kissing another girl, and yet it was a hard pill for him to swallow...
Plus there is some drama happening with an MG right now and I feel really bad for her, but at the same time it kind of upsets me that A thought I wasn't strong enough to do this, to live this life, and yet I was no where near the breaking point that this fellow MG is at. I don't get it, and I know I never will. I hope that she gets through this and everything is okay between her and her husband, but I just don't get it.
And now the GM for Calgary is leaving and he is leaving a week early... which sucks because I know the next guy will be an idiot... So hope the CF excepts me soon. 8 more days until I put in my application!! YAY!!
Anyway all this drama is making me sick... sick enough that I cancelled tonight's training with D, because I'd rather not only be able to do 50% of my workout. Stupid chest congestion.
So all I can say is *Sigh*
De Die in Diem.... Day by day...
- Stiletto
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
The roller coaster that was my day.
Okay so I'm sick and I had a training session today...
Not really a good combination considering how hard my workouts are.
But I went anyway, because I am sure that the people at basic aren't going to care if I have a slight cold.... I'll have to work through it, so I might as well get used to it.
My day was on the verge of sucking though, I had lunch with MainT and MainL; MainL is acting like a bigger jackass by the day. He basically told me I wasn't welcome at lunch...even though MainT invited me.
I went in to renew my license and get a few other things in order, and discovered that B had 2 tickets on the car we had together that was under my license that he hadn't paid in a year... that's right another 250$ that he is Fucked me out of... Ugggh.
So that caused a lot of drama, I feel really drained when there is drama in my life, So I was drained when I was waiting for my training session to begin and I really had no desire to go, but like I said I went anyway... and now I am glad I did.
D might be coming to my birthday!! and the even better part... I pumped off 10 full push-ups today... that's right folks... 10!!! I did it twice too!!! I was so happy it was a great end to a blahhh day.
Well, I am exhausted so it is off to bed for me....
Laters all;
- Stiletto
Not really a good combination considering how hard my workouts are.
But I went anyway, because I am sure that the people at basic aren't going to care if I have a slight cold.... I'll have to work through it, so I might as well get used to it.
My day was on the verge of sucking though, I had lunch with MainT and MainL; MainL is acting like a bigger jackass by the day. He basically told me I wasn't welcome at lunch...even though MainT invited me.
I went in to renew my license and get a few other things in order, and discovered that B had 2 tickets on the car we had together that was under my license that he hadn't paid in a year... that's right another 250$ that he is Fucked me out of... Ugggh.
So that caused a lot of drama, I feel really drained when there is drama in my life, So I was drained when I was waiting for my training session to begin and I really had no desire to go, but like I said I went anyway... and now I am glad I did.
D might be coming to my birthday!! and the even better part... I pumped off 10 full push-ups today... that's right folks... 10!!! I did it twice too!!! I was so happy it was a great end to a blahhh day.
Well, I am exhausted so it is off to bed for me....
Laters all;
- Stiletto
Monday, September 21, 2009
50....
Woot! I never thought I'd make it...
I never kept a journal or a diary as a child, but I did enjoy writing. Usually you would find little bits of insight into my life on a scrap piece of paper or in the middle of an essay I happened to be writing for school.
So when I started this blog, I figured I would be done with it pretty quickly, after-all it's just a high tech diary...sans the 'I <3 Billy' drawings and scribbles you would, I assume, normally find in some girls diary. I mean really I can even stick this between the mattresses of my bed if I wanted to (YAY for laptops). But alas, my high-tech diary has been more than scribbles and drawings of a lonely little girl; its been my outlet to get me through the crap. Its been a way to catalogue the ups and downs, its so easy to go back in time now and read exactly how I was feeling. One click of a mouse button; and I am transported back to a good day or a bad day. And another click can bring me back to reality and allow me to reflect on the past.
The best part of this blog though, is that it talks back...That's right, I really do read the comments that are posted, though I don't always respond. But how many diary's did you keep as a kid that would talk back to you? None. I get so excited when I write a new blog, whether it be a rant or some self revelation that I felt the need to jot down; and I go away for a day or 2 and comeback to find that my 'dairy' has an opinion of what I wrote!!!
So now 50 posts and 11 followers in, I feel like I should keep doing this. This blog has gotten me through a lot so far, and knowing that I am going to have some pretty big, life-changing situations come up, I think it will only serve to help me more.
I <3 ???....:)
- Stiletto
I never kept a journal or a diary as a child, but I did enjoy writing. Usually you would find little bits of insight into my life on a scrap piece of paper or in the middle of an essay I happened to be writing for school.
So when I started this blog, I figured I would be done with it pretty quickly, after-all it's just a high tech diary...sans the 'I <3 Billy' drawings and scribbles you would, I assume, normally find in some girls diary. I mean really I can even stick this between the mattresses of my bed if I wanted to (YAY for laptops). But alas, my high-tech diary has been more than scribbles and drawings of a lonely little girl; its been my outlet to get me through the crap. Its been a way to catalogue the ups and downs, its so easy to go back in time now and read exactly how I was feeling. One click of a mouse button; and I am transported back to a good day or a bad day. And another click can bring me back to reality and allow me to reflect on the past.
The best part of this blog though, is that it talks back...That's right, I really do read the comments that are posted, though I don't always respond. But how many diary's did you keep as a kid that would talk back to you? None. I get so excited when I write a new blog, whether it be a rant or some self revelation that I felt the need to jot down; and I go away for a day or 2 and comeback to find that my 'dairy' has an opinion of what I wrote!!!
So now 50 posts and 11 followers in, I feel like I should keep doing this. This blog has gotten me through a lot so far, and knowing that I am going to have some pretty big, life-changing situations come up, I think it will only serve to help me more.
I <3 ???....:)
- Stiletto
Fear for the unknown and anger at the ignorant...
I'm getting cranky.
Lying here in my bed, unable to sleep, yet again.
All I have been thinking about lately is the doubt and the nay-saying that seems to be popping up everywhere I turn. I read a blog post by L and a few by E... and they moved me.
Their words were so accurate and yet I was able to twist it a little into how the stuff that they are currently dealing with, stuff that I have been through with A, into how it is effecting me and my life right now. I know, it sounds a little selfish; but that's not what I am going for here. I feel for them, and every other MG or serving person out there. It is a shitty life, full of fears, pain, anger, disappointment and hurt. But there is an upside in it as well, something that only those who have been a part of this life will ever see.
The upside to this life, I hope, will never cease to amaze me. It is the bond that is automatic between perfect strangers going through the same things; its how much more you appreciate your partner, how much more the little things count and the trivial things don't... Its appreciating a phone call in the middle of the night and learning that sometimes the best words ever aren't "I love you" sometimes the best words that you can here are "I'm okay" or even more simply "Hi"
I look at L and E and I see 2 of the strongest women out there...and they don't even know there own strength some days. And it angers me that they, along with many others, are having their strength questioned by people that have no right to question it... and even worse yet, having it questioned by people that should understand as they are going through it too.
To all the SO's of a military person out there...If you have been through a deployment, a tasking or any sort of training; reach down and share your experience with someone who is scared and just starting their first. And for those of you who haven't, snide remarks are not appreciated; you too will one day suffer one of these, and when that time comes; the people that you were being snide to will have a choice to help you through it or not... and regardless of whether you have or not: Don't judge how someone else is handling the situation... you don't know what else is going on in their lives; and it is different for everyone.
Now with that being said I need to do another little rant here... Sometimes in life, we need to learn to keep our fucking mouths shut. I know, that this is a hard concept for most, but lets all pass that message on.
I am tired of being looked at like I have grown an extra head when I tell people what I want to do with my life... Yes, I am aware that not everyone will support my decision. But please, please stop making the faces, and stop with the negative comments, I don't need them, MG's don't need them, and serving members don't need them either...
Seriously, if you need to make a face, make it elsewhere. If you need to add in your 2 cents about how you know someone, who knows someone who knows someones cousin and he went over to the sandbox... and he came back all crazy and that I should be worried about how I am going to be effected "when I shoot a little kid..." maybe that is a comment best left un-said. The guy that you don't know who went over, he probably had to see a lot of crap while he was there, you would come back changed as well... however, if you didn't know him before, do you really know if he is crazy now... or are you just speculating along with everyone else? And yes, I am aware that sometimes, I may end up having to do something that I really don't want to do; but if it was between you saving not only yourself but many other people and having to pull a trigger... what would you do?
I am normally a very "yay!! you have an opinion type person" I know many peoples opinions on this war, and their political opinions on what Canada should do about it... I have my opinions on it. However; there is a fine line between stating your opinion and trying to force it down every ones throat. And with that, when you have an opinion, please make sure its yours and you can back it up with facts... do not steal someone else's ideals, and then try to debate a serving member or one of their family members on 'your' view of how things should be when you know nothing of what is going on.
Now to answer the burning question that everyone seems to ask... Yes, I am scared, I am scared shitless... and I'll shed some more light on that for everyone as well... I think all SO's and family of serving members are scared... I also think that there is a certain level of fear in every single serving member as well. So yes there is fear. I fear the unknown, just like you do, the only difference is, I am willing to face those fears...
I know that there are people that just need to make sure that everyone knows their opinion on things, but all I am asking is that when dealing with someone who is entrenched in this life... Is to have a little respect and understanding. You may not agree with what is being done. But 9/10 they don't like it much either... But keep in mind they are doing this so you wont have too. I am doing this, so the people I love the most, aren't forced too.
I know that its scary, I know that my impact will probably be small, but I want to look back on my life and know that I did what I could to make this world a little better, a little safer and maybe just a little bit easier for someone else.
/End Rants
- Stiletto
Lying here in my bed, unable to sleep, yet again.
All I have been thinking about lately is the doubt and the nay-saying that seems to be popping up everywhere I turn. I read a blog post by L and a few by E... and they moved me.
Their words were so accurate and yet I was able to twist it a little into how the stuff that they are currently dealing with, stuff that I have been through with A, into how it is effecting me and my life right now. I know, it sounds a little selfish; but that's not what I am going for here. I feel for them, and every other MG or serving person out there. It is a shitty life, full of fears, pain, anger, disappointment and hurt. But there is an upside in it as well, something that only those who have been a part of this life will ever see.
The upside to this life, I hope, will never cease to amaze me. It is the bond that is automatic between perfect strangers going through the same things; its how much more you appreciate your partner, how much more the little things count and the trivial things don't... Its appreciating a phone call in the middle of the night and learning that sometimes the best words ever aren't "I love you" sometimes the best words that you can here are "I'm okay" or even more simply "Hi"
I look at L and E and I see 2 of the strongest women out there...and they don't even know there own strength some days. And it angers me that they, along with many others, are having their strength questioned by people that have no right to question it... and even worse yet, having it questioned by people that should understand as they are going through it too.
To all the SO's of a military person out there...If you have been through a deployment, a tasking or any sort of training; reach down and share your experience with someone who is scared and just starting their first. And for those of you who haven't, snide remarks are not appreciated; you too will one day suffer one of these, and when that time comes; the people that you were being snide to will have a choice to help you through it or not... and regardless of whether you have or not: Don't judge how someone else is handling the situation... you don't know what else is going on in their lives; and it is different for everyone.
Now with that being said I need to do another little rant here... Sometimes in life, we need to learn to keep our fucking mouths shut. I know, that this is a hard concept for most, but lets all pass that message on.
I am tired of being looked at like I have grown an extra head when I tell people what I want to do with my life... Yes, I am aware that not everyone will support my decision. But please, please stop making the faces, and stop with the negative comments, I don't need them, MG's don't need them, and serving members don't need them either...
Seriously, if you need to make a face, make it elsewhere. If you need to add in your 2 cents about how you know someone, who knows someone who knows someones cousin and he went over to the sandbox... and he came back all crazy and that I should be worried about how I am going to be effected "when I shoot a little kid..." maybe that is a comment best left un-said. The guy that you don't know who went over, he probably had to see a lot of crap while he was there, you would come back changed as well... however, if you didn't know him before, do you really know if he is crazy now... or are you just speculating along with everyone else? And yes, I am aware that sometimes, I may end up having to do something that I really don't want to do; but if it was between you saving not only yourself but many other people and having to pull a trigger... what would you do?
I am normally a very "yay!! you have an opinion type person" I know many peoples opinions on this war, and their political opinions on what Canada should do about it... I have my opinions on it. However; there is a fine line between stating your opinion and trying to force it down every ones throat. And with that, when you have an opinion, please make sure its yours and you can back it up with facts... do not steal someone else's ideals, and then try to debate a serving member or one of their family members on 'your' view of how things should be when you know nothing of what is going on.
Now to answer the burning question that everyone seems to ask... Yes, I am scared, I am scared shitless... and I'll shed some more light on that for everyone as well... I think all SO's and family of serving members are scared... I also think that there is a certain level of fear in every single serving member as well. So yes there is fear. I fear the unknown, just like you do, the only difference is, I am willing to face those fears...
I know that there are people that just need to make sure that everyone knows their opinion on things, but all I am asking is that when dealing with someone who is entrenched in this life... Is to have a little respect and understanding. You may not agree with what is being done. But 9/10 they don't like it much either... But keep in mind they are doing this so you wont have too. I am doing this, so the people I love the most, aren't forced too.
I know that its scary, I know that my impact will probably be small, but I want to look back on my life and know that I did what I could to make this world a little better, a little safer and maybe just a little bit easier for someone else.
/End Rants
- Stiletto
Sunday, September 20, 2009
A weekend away....
Wow... I feel like I've missed so much this weekend.
I was wrapped up in my own bubble doing my own thing, had a few drinks and then a few more. (Okay, so I had lots to drink and allowed myself that as I don't get drunk very often... try once every 4 or 5 years if that)
I said good-bye to B... and got all the paperwork signed that I needed signed by him... although we still have to go to the bank and close our joint account (and yes I am aware at how over-due that is)
I got to see my 'second family'. S's mom and dad were in town for S's sons second birthday. It was a blast, also got to see S's little sister hmmm... we will have to call her little S as D is already taken and her big brother... who has always been like a big brother to me too... Yay for J. They all know about my decision and are pretty supportive on it; so that is cool.
S's son was so cute all day Saturday, we played and went to the zoo and just chilled with the family. I am definitely going to miss those family events and functions, I am going to miss a lot of things....and its been leaving me a little nostalgic lately. (and I'm not even in the CF yet)
MainT and I rocked it up at the Keith Urban concert, that was fun... one of the best concerts I have ever seen.
I didn't make it out to the gym at all this weekend and I feel like crap for it. It's sad that the gym has become such a big part of my life, but I guess kind of fitting.
I also didn't make it on to CMS or the computer all weekend... It was strange not being connected, and I feel like I missed so much in the 3 days I was AWOL. (For you non military types that is Absent Without Leave)... I was so excited to read everything this morning that I was up after only 5 hours of sleep.... kind of like Christmas, only better cause I'm not big on Christmas.
Anyway here is the countdown list for today:
12 More days until I hand in my application
12 More days until I turn 25...
2 more days in the gym with D this week...which will leave me with...
16 more sessions left with D by the end of the week.
6 More push ups needed consistently in order to pass the CF Express test.
That's all for now,
- Stiletto
I was wrapped up in my own bubble doing my own thing, had a few drinks and then a few more. (Okay, so I had lots to drink and allowed myself that as I don't get drunk very often... try once every 4 or 5 years if that)
I said good-bye to B... and got all the paperwork signed that I needed signed by him... although we still have to go to the bank and close our joint account (and yes I am aware at how over-due that is)
I got to see my 'second family'. S's mom and dad were in town for S's sons second birthday. It was a blast, also got to see S's little sister hmmm... we will have to call her little S as D is already taken and her big brother... who has always been like a big brother to me too... Yay for J. They all know about my decision and are pretty supportive on it; so that is cool.
S's son was so cute all day Saturday, we played and went to the zoo and just chilled with the family. I am definitely going to miss those family events and functions, I am going to miss a lot of things....and its been leaving me a little nostalgic lately. (and I'm not even in the CF yet)
MainT and I rocked it up at the Keith Urban concert, that was fun... one of the best concerts I have ever seen.
I didn't make it out to the gym at all this weekend and I feel like crap for it. It's sad that the gym has become such a big part of my life, but I guess kind of fitting.
I also didn't make it on to CMS or the computer all weekend... It was strange not being connected, and I feel like I missed so much in the 3 days I was AWOL. (For you non military types that is Absent Without Leave)... I was so excited to read everything this morning that I was up after only 5 hours of sleep.... kind of like Christmas, only better cause I'm not big on Christmas.
Anyway here is the countdown list for today:
12 More days until I hand in my application
12 More days until I turn 25...
2 more days in the gym with D this week...which will leave me with...
16 more sessions left with D by the end of the week.
6 More push ups needed consistently in order to pass the CF Express test.
That's all for now,
- Stiletto
Thursday, September 17, 2009
up's, down's and all arounds...
What a week...
A and I talked, and then sent some emails which resulted in the whole, we can be friends again... with some time to heal before. Part of me really wishes that we could be more than friends again. But I guess that is what time with-out communication is supposed to fix.
I've been talking to B again, its really weird that my ex-fiance has ended up being one of my best guy friends.. and has given me some really awesome advice when it comes to A; and moving on. I'm kind of sad that he is moving back home at the end of the month.
S's son's 2nd birthday party is this weekend and I am super pumped even though I can't believe he is 2 already. I am going to miss him Crazy bad when I join the CF... he even requested a phone call to me earlier this week which made my day. :) (Don't worry S, I will miss you too)
Sister called to tell me that Baby G finally slept through the night... Its been a while since I've heard her all refreshed and happy like that and I was sooo ecstatic for her.
Mom cashed in all her radio station points to try to win a private concert for Lady Antebellum... which she won!!! and loves me enough to take me with her... best mom ever!
D let me kick his ass on Tuesday, but then I got payback yesterday...however the trench crawl at basic should be a breeze by the time I finish my training.
All the people I asked to be a reference for me have agreed to do so!!
Everything seems to be falling into place lately... maybe not the way I want it to in some cases, but you take what you can get right?
It's hard to believe that in 2 weeks I will be a quarter of a century and finally living my life the way I want to. In 2 weeks I put in my application for the CF, It's my 25th and Its mine and S's 10 year anniversary... (I'll explain that one in a different post)
All is coming to fruition, and as scared as I am to do something this big and solely for me, I am so excited and happy. I do realize that I need to tell my father, Step-mom and Little sister. But I am still waiting I for when I actually hand in my application to do that.
So I just have to say thanks to the people above, Thanks D for kicking my ass, Thanks B for the good chats, Thanks A for putting the idea back into my head...
And to mom, S, L and Sister... You are my support group. Thank you for pointing out all the negatives and the positives that come with joining the CF... Thanks for being gung-ho about this some days and having the faith in me that I can do this, even when I don't and when you don't feel like giving me the support... I appreciate it.
Laters,
- Stiletto
A and I talked, and then sent some emails which resulted in the whole, we can be friends again... with some time to heal before. Part of me really wishes that we could be more than friends again. But I guess that is what time with-out communication is supposed to fix.
I've been talking to B again, its really weird that my ex-fiance has ended up being one of my best guy friends.. and has given me some really awesome advice when it comes to A; and moving on. I'm kind of sad that he is moving back home at the end of the month.
S's son's 2nd birthday party is this weekend and I am super pumped even though I can't believe he is 2 already. I am going to miss him Crazy bad when I join the CF... he even requested a phone call to me earlier this week which made my day. :) (Don't worry S, I will miss you too)
Sister called to tell me that Baby G finally slept through the night... Its been a while since I've heard her all refreshed and happy like that and I was sooo ecstatic for her.
Mom cashed in all her radio station points to try to win a private concert for Lady Antebellum... which she won!!! and loves me enough to take me with her... best mom ever!
D let me kick his ass on Tuesday, but then I got payback yesterday...however the trench crawl at basic should be a breeze by the time I finish my training.
All the people I asked to be a reference for me have agreed to do so!!
Everything seems to be falling into place lately... maybe not the way I want it to in some cases, but you take what you can get right?
It's hard to believe that in 2 weeks I will be a quarter of a century and finally living my life the way I want to. In 2 weeks I put in my application for the CF, It's my 25th and Its mine and S's 10 year anniversary... (I'll explain that one in a different post)
All is coming to fruition, and as scared as I am to do something this big and solely for me, I am so excited and happy. I do realize that I need to tell my father, Step-mom and Little sister. But I am still waiting I for when I actually hand in my application to do that.
So I just have to say thanks to the people above, Thanks D for kicking my ass, Thanks B for the good chats, Thanks A for putting the idea back into my head...
And to mom, S, L and Sister... You are my support group. Thank you for pointing out all the negatives and the positives that come with joining the CF... Thanks for being gung-ho about this some days and having the faith in me that I can do this, even when I don't and when you don't feel like giving me the support... I appreciate it.
Laters,
- Stiletto
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Bruises and Blood, and everythings good...
My training seesion was great today...
D let me kick his but, although not without reprecussions...
My knuckles are bruised and bloody, but man do I feel good. Below is some pictures of my war wounds.
It's kind of sad but I am loving this, just living the dream...
2 more weeks until I hand in my application.
my arm... D blocked alot of my jabs
My left hand....AKA: The bloody one...
My right hand... AKA: the bruised one
D let me kick his but, although not without reprecussions...
My knuckles are bruised and bloody, but man do I feel good. Below is some pictures of my war wounds.
It's kind of sad but I am loving this, just living the dream...
2 more weeks until I hand in my application.
my arm... D blocked alot of my jabs
My left hand....AKA: The bloody one...
My right hand... AKA: the bruised one
Interesting facts about me
So I ganked this idea from L's blog, because I am bored at work...even though I wasn't here yesterday; and I decided this would be a fun waste of time.
1. I love country music
2. Pickles are my favorite food of all time...
3. I crave pickles after eating ice cream... always
4. I hate having to cover my feet, socks, shoes doesn't matter I hate them.
5. Blue... I love blue, all shades. If I were a color I would be blue, there are just so many different facets of it and it can represent any mood...
6. I just figured out how to make the hearts on face book that everyone has. <3
7. I adore Rocky movies.
8. Which is why I will sit and watch it the entire day when they have a marathon on...
9. even if I watched the same marathon the day before
10. This is also true for James Bond.
11. I firmly believe that TV doesn't show enough James Bond movies.
12. I love the History channel and the Discovery channel....I also watch the weather network and CPAC on a regular basis.
13. I enjoy election time....
14. and yes I am aware of how nerdy that sounds
15. I am in the process of joining the Canadian Forces.
16. I fell in love with the east coast...before stepping foot onto it... the view from the plane at 7am is spectacular.
17. I wish I travelled when I was younger.
18. I tend to forget how old I am...
19. Even though my birthday is tattooed on my back.
20. My entire back has tattoo's on it, and they all have a meaning to them....
21. Except for the flowers that my brother did on my shoulder blades... he just wanted to make it look girlie... and I love it.
22. I am scared shit-less that I will fail basic training.
23. One of my best guy friends is my Ex-fiance... I can tell him pretty much anything now.
24. After everything I’ve been through, I wouldn’t change anything. It made me who I am.
25. I'm really tired of people thinking I had a rough life. It really has been amazing thus far, despite the crap that was thrown in.
26. Really want a classic NES system again
27. I really enjoyed my waitressing jobs, and I miss the interaction with people.
28. I love going to the gym, it makes me feel better.
29. I truly believe that Hickeys shouldn't occur after the age of 20.
30. I sometimes get jealous of my little 14 year old step-sister.
31. I really don't like Christmas...
32. and yet my favorite non-James Bond or Rocky movies are the claymation Christmas ones and the original Grinch
33. 2 is my favorite number, it always has been, and I'm not sure why.
34. I want babies soon; however I would like them to be boys.
35. The thought of having a little girl actually frightens me.
36. That being said I have about 5 girls names picked out and only one little boys name.
37. I have a hard time digesting red meat...and I am worried how that will effect me at basic.
38. I was in a pipe-band for 4 years,
39. To this day I swoon when I hear bagpipes
40. A played the bagpipes, and I loved hearing him play.
41. I'm not big on my birthday, but I am trying to be.
42. I secretly love family channel movies.
43. My dream car is a '67 Corvette Stingray in Silver with black leather seats.
44. My brother bought me one for my 16th birthday... it was about 5 inches long.
45. I <3 big coke bottle candy
46. I used to play war with Barbies and the big GI Joe dolls...
47. Barbie always lost.
48. I can roll my tongue so that it has 3 loops...
49. I can also twist it both ways...apparently this is strange.
50. I love romance novels.
51. I also write them... although I don't think they are very good.
52. I Get scared when I have to meet new people.
53. As soon as hockey season ends, I'm waiting for it to start again.
54. And yet I hated hockey for the longest time.
55. I am stubborn; and I hate giving up.
56. I enjoy anything Carmel.
57. I think flowers should not be a symbol of love or a relationship.... they die, its not a good sign.
58. I love doing laundry...
59. And I hate putting it away.
60. New shoes make me happy...
61. Even though it took me years to appreciate them, I now have a small collection.
62. I LOVE football... more than hockey
63. I am afraid that I wont find Mr. right, or that when I do I will brush him off for some stupid reason.
64. I think that the crash of an ocean wave against rocks is possibly the most amazing sight in the world. I could watch it for hours, and have.
65. I love coffee...
66. My grandpa sometimes forgets that I am his grand-daughter, and thinks that I am his actual daughter...
67. I am okay with this, as sometimes I forget that he is grandpa and refer to him as dad.
68. I love hearing grandpa say that he is proud of me... it means more to me than anybody else saying it.
69. My aunt, who is actually my 2nd cousin (I just call her auntie) is a hero of mine.
70. I read comic books.
71. I currently hate my job; because I am not busy enough.
72. I think boys/men should not have long hair. It's kind of wrong in my opinion.
73. I also think that when it comes to housework there are boy jobs and girl jobs but there shouldn't be...
74. I also love comic book movies
75. Sour candies are my weakness
Laters,
- Stiletto
1. I love country music
2. Pickles are my favorite food of all time...
3. I crave pickles after eating ice cream... always
4. I hate having to cover my feet, socks, shoes doesn't matter I hate them.
5. Blue... I love blue, all shades. If I were a color I would be blue, there are just so many different facets of it and it can represent any mood...
6. I just figured out how to make the hearts on face book that everyone has. <3
7. I adore Rocky movies.
8. Which is why I will sit and watch it the entire day when they have a marathon on...
9. even if I watched the same marathon the day before
10. This is also true for James Bond.
11. I firmly believe that TV doesn't show enough James Bond movies.
12. I love the History channel and the Discovery channel....I also watch the weather network and CPAC on a regular basis.
13. I enjoy election time....
14. and yes I am aware of how nerdy that sounds
15. I am in the process of joining the Canadian Forces.
16. I fell in love with the east coast...before stepping foot onto it... the view from the plane at 7am is spectacular.
17. I wish I travelled when I was younger.
18. I tend to forget how old I am...
19. Even though my birthday is tattooed on my back.
20. My entire back has tattoo's on it, and they all have a meaning to them....
21. Except for the flowers that my brother did on my shoulder blades... he just wanted to make it look girlie... and I love it.
22. I am scared shit-less that I will fail basic training.
23. One of my best guy friends is my Ex-fiance... I can tell him pretty much anything now.
24. After everything I’ve been through, I wouldn’t change anything. It made me who I am.
25. I'm really tired of people thinking I had a rough life. It really has been amazing thus far, despite the crap that was thrown in.
26. Really want a classic NES system again
27. I really enjoyed my waitressing jobs, and I miss the interaction with people.
28. I love going to the gym, it makes me feel better.
29. I truly believe that Hickeys shouldn't occur after the age of 20.
30. I sometimes get jealous of my little 14 year old step-sister.
31. I really don't like Christmas...
32. and yet my favorite non-James Bond or Rocky movies are the claymation Christmas ones and the original Grinch
33. 2 is my favorite number, it always has been, and I'm not sure why.
34. I want babies soon; however I would like them to be boys.
35. The thought of having a little girl actually frightens me.
36. That being said I have about 5 girls names picked out and only one little boys name.
37. I have a hard time digesting red meat...and I am worried how that will effect me at basic.
38. I was in a pipe-band for 4 years,
39. To this day I swoon when I hear bagpipes
40. A played the bagpipes, and I loved hearing him play.
41. I'm not big on my birthday, but I am trying to be.
42. I secretly love family channel movies.
43. My dream car is a '67 Corvette Stingray in Silver with black leather seats.
44. My brother bought me one for my 16th birthday... it was about 5 inches long.
45. I <3 big coke bottle candy
46. I used to play war with Barbies and the big GI Joe dolls...
47. Barbie always lost.
48. I can roll my tongue so that it has 3 loops...
49. I can also twist it both ways...apparently this is strange.
50. I love romance novels.
51. I also write them... although I don't think they are very good.
52. I Get scared when I have to meet new people.
53. As soon as hockey season ends, I'm waiting for it to start again.
54. And yet I hated hockey for the longest time.
55. I am stubborn; and I hate giving up.
56. I enjoy anything Carmel.
57. I think flowers should not be a symbol of love or a relationship.... they die, its not a good sign.
58. I love doing laundry...
59. And I hate putting it away.
60. New shoes make me happy...
61. Even though it took me years to appreciate them, I now have a small collection.
62. I LOVE football... more than hockey
63. I am afraid that I wont find Mr. right, or that when I do I will brush him off for some stupid reason.
64. I think that the crash of an ocean wave against rocks is possibly the most amazing sight in the world. I could watch it for hours, and have.
65. I love coffee...
66. My grandpa sometimes forgets that I am his grand-daughter, and thinks that I am his actual daughter...
67. I am okay with this, as sometimes I forget that he is grandpa and refer to him as dad.
68. I love hearing grandpa say that he is proud of me... it means more to me than anybody else saying it.
69. My aunt, who is actually my 2nd cousin (I just call her auntie) is a hero of mine.
70. I read comic books.
71. I currently hate my job; because I am not busy enough.
72. I think boys/men should not have long hair. It's kind of wrong in my opinion.
73. I also think that when it comes to housework there are boy jobs and girl jobs but there shouldn't be...
74. I also love comic book movies
75. Sour candies are my weakness
Laters,
- Stiletto
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Inspiration.....me?!?!?!?
Well, I went to the gym again today... I know big surprise there, right?
Anyway, I was doing a bit of everything from my 3 workout routines that D has worked out for me, and on one of my rare rest moments. (I was wiping down a machine) some random guy came up to me and said he wanted to let me know that I am a real inspiration.
I assumed that the confused look on my face prompted him to add, that he hasn't seen someone work so hard and that he was impressed and a little envious.
So I smiled and said thanks....although still a little flabbergasted that I impressed and inspired the guy with huge arms at the gym; and then I informed him that I am training so hard because I am hoping to join the Canadian Forces.
And then I got that awkward I don't know what to say to you stare. You know the one that you can basically sum up as...."she said whaaaa...???" So I smiled and went back to my workout. I am not so sure he is inspired anymore, and really I don't care. But for that short amount of time, to have someone come up to me and let me know that I inspire them was kind of a neat feeling. It filled me with a little bit more pride and gumption; everyday, more and more I want to be able to do this.
I want to be able to make it through basic training, I want to have my Grandfather at my graduation ceremony and see the pride in his eyes.... I want to know that I am doing something worth while with my time and my life. I may not be on the front lines with the career paths that I am hoping for in the military, but I will hopefully be helping those that are on the front lines, and that, to me, is important and worth while.
Anxiously waiting to slip into the combat boots;
- Stiletto
Anyway, I was doing a bit of everything from my 3 workout routines that D has worked out for me, and on one of my rare rest moments. (I was wiping down a machine) some random guy came up to me and said he wanted to let me know that I am a real inspiration.
I assumed that the confused look on my face prompted him to add, that he hasn't seen someone work so hard and that he was impressed and a little envious.
So I smiled and said thanks....although still a little flabbergasted that I impressed and inspired the guy with huge arms at the gym; and then I informed him that I am training so hard because I am hoping to join the Canadian Forces.
And then I got that awkward I don't know what to say to you stare. You know the one that you can basically sum up as...."she said whaaaa...???" So I smiled and went back to my workout. I am not so sure he is inspired anymore, and really I don't care. But for that short amount of time, to have someone come up to me and let me know that I inspire them was kind of a neat feeling. It filled me with a little bit more pride and gumption; everyday, more and more I want to be able to do this.
I want to be able to make it through basic training, I want to have my Grandfather at my graduation ceremony and see the pride in his eyes.... I want to know that I am doing something worth while with my time and my life. I may not be on the front lines with the career paths that I am hoping for in the military, but I will hopefully be helping those that are on the front lines, and that, to me, is important and worth while.
Anxiously waiting to slip into the combat boots;
- Stiletto
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Stupid Push-ups...
I really wish I could do my push-ups so I could apply for the CF right now. I basically have everything else down.
Grip test.... 50kg easy
2.4 K run - can complete in 11min... 45 seconds (superior is >11:56)
Sit-ups - 15 is less than one of my sets for my warm-up so I think I'll be okay on that one.
It's just the damn push-ups.... 1/9, unless I am having a good day, then I can do 3/9.
*SIGH*
Unfortunately for me... I don't seem to be making much progress; and yes, I know it has only been a week or so since I started training, but I am impatient all of a sudden.
It's like I have finally started to live my life for me, and I've made my decision, but I'm not allowed to live life just yet, I have a few more hoops to jump through and I'm afraid that those hoops are going to end up making me forget that I am doing something for me and that it is a good thing.
I think I am just frustrated with myself more than anything, I want so bad to be able to do this right now, and it could be because my birthday is coming up and that I am having a small quarter life crisis, but I am just so tired of waiting. And I am tired of being to weak to do the push-ups.
It seems I'm always waiting on something or someone else's decisions always seem to have an impact on my life, and I am afraid that it is going to hurt me in the long run, that something will happen that makes it impossible to do this.
On the upside I have gotten to see those nicely sculpted and wonderfully tanned abs of D's more and more lately as he is doing part of my work out with me now; he says he finds it challenging :). So he gets all sweaty and then wipes the sweat off with the bottom of his shirt...which inevitably covers his face and uncovers his abs... However; this seems to have an adverse effect on my ability to skip. (I have to skip in-between sets to keep my heart rate up) Its like his shirt has an effect on my legs. His shirt goes up and my legs forget to jump...I am developing some lovely colored bruises on my shins from the skipping rope whipping them.
However the whipping from the skipping rope subsequently knocks me back into reality and I recover before D notices that I was oogling him instead of skipping.... so it all works out I suppose.
Next training date with D - next Tuesday!!! next day in the gym is Saturday.... gotta get those push-ups down good.... here is hoping that I can apply as a birthday present to myself. (And yes, I do realize that it sounds like a lame birthday present)
C'est la vie,
- Stiletto
Grip test.... 50kg easy
2.4 K run - can complete in 11min... 45 seconds (superior is >11:56)
Sit-ups - 15 is less than one of my sets for my warm-up so I think I'll be okay on that one.
It's just the damn push-ups.... 1/9, unless I am having a good day, then I can do 3/9.
*SIGH*
Unfortunately for me... I don't seem to be making much progress; and yes, I know it has only been a week or so since I started training, but I am impatient all of a sudden.
It's like I have finally started to live my life for me, and I've made my decision, but I'm not allowed to live life just yet, I have a few more hoops to jump through and I'm afraid that those hoops are going to end up making me forget that I am doing something for me and that it is a good thing.
I think I am just frustrated with myself more than anything, I want so bad to be able to do this right now, and it could be because my birthday is coming up and that I am having a small quarter life crisis, but I am just so tired of waiting. And I am tired of being to weak to do the push-ups.
It seems I'm always waiting on something or someone else's decisions always seem to have an impact on my life, and I am afraid that it is going to hurt me in the long run, that something will happen that makes it impossible to do this.
On the upside I have gotten to see those nicely sculpted and wonderfully tanned abs of D's more and more lately as he is doing part of my work out with me now; he says he finds it challenging :). So he gets all sweaty and then wipes the sweat off with the bottom of his shirt...which inevitably covers his face and uncovers his abs... However; this seems to have an adverse effect on my ability to skip. (I have to skip in-between sets to keep my heart rate up) Its like his shirt has an effect on my legs. His shirt goes up and my legs forget to jump...I am developing some lovely colored bruises on my shins from the skipping rope whipping them.
However the whipping from the skipping rope subsequently knocks me back into reality and I recover before D notices that I was oogling him instead of skipping.... so it all works out I suppose.
Next training date with D - next Tuesday!!! next day in the gym is Saturday.... gotta get those push-ups down good.... here is hoping that I can apply as a birthday present to myself. (And yes, I do realize that it sounds like a lame birthday present)
C'est la vie,
- Stiletto
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Frustration = Victory?!?!?!?!
I have a mini-crush on D...
I don't know if it's because I've been so deprived lately or what.... but working out is becoming immensely difficult; the little things are driving me insane.
You know; it's the things that are a part of his job that I am really noticing at the moment; and I am not sure that I should be noticing these things; they are simply elements of help that he is assisting me with on my workouts, but they are making one frustrated Stiletto.
Like standing/kneeling/sitting behind me to ensure that I don't arch my back to much, which causes me to want to lean backwards just a smidgen and sink right into the expanse of his chest - fortunately I have caught myself almost every time I've had the urge to do so, and the times I haven't its been the end of the workout so I am usually exhausted. Then there is the moments where he leaves his hand on the small of my back or whatever body part I happen to be working that day, making sure that I am squeezing the muscle groups enough, and making sure that I'm not over extending anything or that I am doing the exercise correctly. Even the lifting me up to reach the chin-up bar and the assisted chin-ups that I am doing its all enough to drive one beyond their senses, if they are as deprived as I have been.
Like I said it's all a part of his job, and I am sure that I shouldn't be noticing these things, I am also pretty sure that the mini-crush I have on D, is inappropriate. And yet I can't bring myself to get a different trainer; maybe its because I feel like its also a small victory for me... for weeks now, I have been pining for someone that is no longer mine, and I haven't been interested in anyone or anything as of late... so this sudden interest I have developed in D is a good thing in my books...
My trainer or not, I am counting this as a small victory for Stiletto... dare to dream, to feel, to allow the shivers to happen.
Until next time,
- Stiletto
I don't know if it's because I've been so deprived lately or what.... but working out is becoming immensely difficult; the little things are driving me insane.
You know; it's the things that are a part of his job that I am really noticing at the moment; and I am not sure that I should be noticing these things; they are simply elements of help that he is assisting me with on my workouts, but they are making one frustrated Stiletto.
Like standing/kneeling/sitting behind me to ensure that I don't arch my back to much, which causes me to want to lean backwards just a smidgen and sink right into the expanse of his chest - fortunately I have caught myself almost every time I've had the urge to do so, and the times I haven't its been the end of the workout so I am usually exhausted. Then there is the moments where he leaves his hand on the small of my back or whatever body part I happen to be working that day, making sure that I am squeezing the muscle groups enough, and making sure that I'm not over extending anything or that I am doing the exercise correctly. Even the lifting me up to reach the chin-up bar and the assisted chin-ups that I am doing its all enough to drive one beyond their senses, if they are as deprived as I have been.
Like I said it's all a part of his job, and I am sure that I shouldn't be noticing these things, I am also pretty sure that the mini-crush I have on D, is inappropriate. And yet I can't bring myself to get a different trainer; maybe its because I feel like its also a small victory for me... for weeks now, I have been pining for someone that is no longer mine, and I haven't been interested in anyone or anything as of late... so this sudden interest I have developed in D is a good thing in my books...
My trainer or not, I am counting this as a small victory for Stiletto... dare to dream, to feel, to allow the shivers to happen.
Until next time,
- Stiletto
Friday, September 4, 2009
Tear-stained cheeks that wont go away...
Today is a bad day...
I keep thinking about A, about how much I wished things turned out differently, about how much I still love him after everything that has happened.
Today I can't stop thinking that we could have had this amazing life together, and that he gave it all up, and I still don't know what for. I keep thinking that now that he is home I will get some sort of message from him, and yet I know deep down that there won't be a message and that he might not even be home yet, because he is probably with his new girlfriend.
I keep wondering if he cheated on me with her, if he just stopped loving me because I wasn't there, because I wanted communication and that I kept telling him that I missed him. He told me not to hold it all in, but I think he wanted me to anyway. I keep blaming myself in part for not being stronger for not showing him I could do this... He saw a lot of the bad days and not so many good days.
I know it's not my fault, but part of me still thinks that it is. That if I just managed to be a little bit stronger that he would be in my arms right now, not in someone else's. A big part of me still loves him and wants him to come back to me... I know it sounds pathetic, and I know I need to give up on him, because he obviously doesn't love me anymore...maybe he never did. But I don't really care how pathetic I sound right now.
I just want to sit in a little ball and cry for a while, I still feel like I am missing a part of me, and I don't know if that feeling will go away.
wishing the world would just stop for a minute.
- Stiletto
I keep thinking about A, about how much I wished things turned out differently, about how much I still love him after everything that has happened.
Today I can't stop thinking that we could have had this amazing life together, and that he gave it all up, and I still don't know what for. I keep thinking that now that he is home I will get some sort of message from him, and yet I know deep down that there won't be a message and that he might not even be home yet, because he is probably with his new girlfriend.
I keep wondering if he cheated on me with her, if he just stopped loving me because I wasn't there, because I wanted communication and that I kept telling him that I missed him. He told me not to hold it all in, but I think he wanted me to anyway. I keep blaming myself in part for not being stronger for not showing him I could do this... He saw a lot of the bad days and not so many good days.
I know it's not my fault, but part of me still thinks that it is. That if I just managed to be a little bit stronger that he would be in my arms right now, not in someone else's. A big part of me still loves him and wants him to come back to me... I know it sounds pathetic, and I know I need to give up on him, because he obviously doesn't love me anymore...maybe he never did. But I don't really care how pathetic I sound right now.
I just want to sit in a little ball and cry for a while, I still feel like I am missing a part of me, and I don't know if that feeling will go away.
wishing the world would just stop for a minute.
- Stiletto
I hate push-ups....I love coffee....
Like really, really hate push-ups; and really really love coffee.... unfortunatley I did a whole bunch of push-ups yesterday and today I am having trouble lifting the coffee cup high enough to drink it. *Sigh*
I also must add, that I need to get a new car if this is going to continue... Driving the standard today was just pure torture... and I am pretty sure it was a little unsafe.
D, the wonderful devil of a trainer that I have got me to show him a proper push-up. Well proper military style ones anyway. And now the man is holding me to them. "We" did 20 push-ups yesterday, not all at once but within the hour that he was training me.
Except this time "we" means he did 20... I collapsed during the last 5 at the end, my arms were done; and decided they had had enough, so when I went to put my full body weight on them they said "hahahaha... nice try" and my face met the floor none to slowly. It was kind of funny; but I felt like that kid in gym class who is just supposed to do one push-up to pass, and yet he can't get up off the floor.
But there were some highlights to yesterdays training session... I got to see his Abs; he was standing over me spotting me, while I was lifting some weights and his shirt was baggy. Distaraction: the easiest way to complete and hour training session.
and
He touched my bum; I'm pretty sure it was an accident as he was trying to get me to push it just a little bit faster on my sprints so he was running after me and was letting me know he had caught up to me... but he still touched my bum :) So these are things that I am holding on to today as my tri-ceps are 'feeling the burn'... its a good hurt not a bad hurt.
Update: so as I am writing this the security guard wanted to see how much pain I was in today and saw that I am having issues drinking my coffee, so he found me a straw!!! Seem's like such a simple solution now that I have some coffee in me and can actually think.
Laters,
-Stiletto
I also must add, that I need to get a new car if this is going to continue... Driving the standard today was just pure torture... and I am pretty sure it was a little unsafe.
D, the wonderful devil of a trainer that I have got me to show him a proper push-up. Well proper military style ones anyway. And now the man is holding me to them. "We" did 20 push-ups yesterday, not all at once but within the hour that he was training me.
Except this time "we" means he did 20... I collapsed during the last 5 at the end, my arms were done; and decided they had had enough, so when I went to put my full body weight on them they said "hahahaha... nice try" and my face met the floor none to slowly. It was kind of funny; but I felt like that kid in gym class who is just supposed to do one push-up to pass, and yet he can't get up off the floor.
But there were some highlights to yesterdays training session... I got to see his Abs; he was standing over me spotting me, while I was lifting some weights and his shirt was baggy. Distaraction: the easiest way to complete and hour training session.
and
He touched my bum; I'm pretty sure it was an accident as he was trying to get me to push it just a little bit faster on my sprints so he was running after me and was letting me know he had caught up to me... but he still touched my bum :) So these are things that I am holding on to today as my tri-ceps are 'feeling the burn'... its a good hurt not a bad hurt.
Update: so as I am writing this the security guard wanted to see how much pain I was in today and saw that I am having issues drinking my coffee, so he found me a straw!!! Seem's like such a simple solution now that I have some coffee in me and can actually think.
Laters,
-Stiletto
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Day one with D....
Update....my trainers got switched, ex-military girl isn't training me anymore...she wants my trainer to have some more motivated people to train. But she helped him with my training and nutrition schedule.
D....that is what I will call my personal trainer. It's convenient not only does it represent his name (much like everyone else, names are determined by letters) anyway, it also stands for devil or destroyer. I don't care if he was an underwear model.... he can be as pretty as he likes, he is still the devil in my books.
D is going to kick my ass.... already I am having difficulty walking. "We" did legs today. Yesterday I went to the gym to do some cardio... knowing full well that I am going to have to be able to run at least 5k in a decent time, I wanted to get a head start. I saw D as I was heading in and he said "Stiletto....don't work on your legs, we are doing them tomorrow."
Why he decided that we were doing anything is beyond me, because I know I worked on my legs today but from what I saw he was just sitting beside me going.... "One more or 30 more seconds or push it stiletto... basic isn't going to go easy on you, so nither am I."
The whole time I was thinking... wait I am paying for this... boo. Stupidity at a whole new level.
I was excited because it is getting me that much closer to being able to apply with the CF. D was excited because he gets to train someone that he can push; I guess the guy that he was training before me was pissing and moaning about what D was making him do...which is about 1/2 of what I am starting out with so D told him what I was doing for my first day of training; and the guy came up to me and said...."man, I'm glad I'm not you...good-luck." Well; let me tell you, that is where my excitement ended...and my thoughts turned to "Oh Shit".
So D was all excited to start my workout and so was I, but instead of slowly assessing me like most trainers do... D said "I know your goals I looked them up and we are starting hard today. No stops, 2 sets of everything and in between sets you are going to skip. The freaking we word is going to be the death of me, every time I hear it I think "finally he's going to show me he can do this to" only to be disappointed.
But truth be told the work-out wasn't that bad, and I should be in really good shape by the time I have no more sessions with D left... he is taking the minimum requirements and multiplying them by 5 and training me to get to that point!! I like his thought process. Hopefully that will make BMQ a little easier.
Well, I am off to buy some new runners and a few more work-out outfits as I am now doing 6 days at the gym and 1 outfit just isn't going to cut it.
Laters,
Stiletto
D....that is what I will call my personal trainer. It's convenient not only does it represent his name (much like everyone else, names are determined by letters) anyway, it also stands for devil or destroyer. I don't care if he was an underwear model.... he can be as pretty as he likes, he is still the devil in my books.
D is going to kick my ass.... already I am having difficulty walking. "We" did legs today. Yesterday I went to the gym to do some cardio... knowing full well that I am going to have to be able to run at least 5k in a decent time, I wanted to get a head start. I saw D as I was heading in and he said "Stiletto....don't work on your legs, we are doing them tomorrow."
Why he decided that we were doing anything is beyond me, because I know I worked on my legs today but from what I saw he was just sitting beside me going.... "One more or 30 more seconds or push it stiletto... basic isn't going to go easy on you, so nither am I."
The whole time I was thinking... wait I am paying for this... boo. Stupidity at a whole new level.
I was excited because it is getting me that much closer to being able to apply with the CF. D was excited because he gets to train someone that he can push; I guess the guy that he was training before me was pissing and moaning about what D was making him do...which is about 1/2 of what I am starting out with so D told him what I was doing for my first day of training; and the guy came up to me and said...."man, I'm glad I'm not you...good-luck." Well; let me tell you, that is where my excitement ended...and my thoughts turned to "Oh Shit".
So D was all excited to start my workout and so was I, but instead of slowly assessing me like most trainers do... D said "I know your goals I looked them up and we are starting hard today. No stops, 2 sets of everything and in between sets you are going to skip. The freaking we word is going to be the death of me, every time I hear it I think "finally he's going to show me he can do this to" only to be disappointed.
But truth be told the work-out wasn't that bad, and I should be in really good shape by the time I have no more sessions with D left... he is taking the minimum requirements and multiplying them by 5 and training me to get to that point!! I like his thought process. Hopefully that will make BMQ a little easier.
Well, I am off to buy some new runners and a few more work-out outfits as I am now doing 6 days at the gym and 1 outfit just isn't going to cut it.
Laters,
Stiletto
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