I know it is close to the holiday season, and that my application is just one small one in the massive pile that you have to process; however, I really really really hate my job. Therefore I would appreciate hearing from you very very soon.
I know that I have had knee surgery and I have had the one thing that you tend to look out for when saying yes or no to applicants; but if I promise not to complain if the Patella femoral pain disorder acts up, would you speed up the process a little? Because I will promise that, really, I will.
I know it seems like I am asking a lot, but really I just want to leave my job today... I would like nothing more than to go to the jack-ass who is my current boss, and let him know that he can take this job and shove it. You see CF, my current boss has decided that I am a big floozy and am dating people in my office, not just dating them but sleeping with them too... now you and I both know that I am not getting any, in fact it has been an awful long time since this has happened. And it really pisses me off that he would insinuate that and put me on some sort of watch like a child because of his opinion.
Anyway, the point that I am getting at is that I would really like to be a member of the CF, not just because of the whole shitty boss thing, but it seems to be the only thing I get excited about anymore. Like I said I know your busy and its only been 2 and a half weeks since my paperwork got sent in, but to me it feels like it has been years. And really it kind of has been years... it's just that I decided to do something about it recently. I know that in reality all this waiting should be teaching me some patience; but there is a saying that you can't teach and old dog new tricks... and CF, I am an old dog when it comes to Patience.
So please, if you could just find my application in that big pile that you have, move it to the top and stick a big red accepted stamp on it so that the recruiters here can call me and tell me when I can quit my job and start my new life that'd be awesome.
Thanks,
- Stiletto
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Questioning...
Yesterday was remembrance day, and like so many other who are and are not entrenched in military life, I headed out to a remembrance day ceremony.
I went there with the intention of remembering why I have the choices that I have today, why I have the freedoms, I went there thankful for everything I have in my life because I live in this amazing country and because of the people who fought so hard and those who continue to fight so hard to make sure it stayed that way not just for Canadians but for everyone. I went there to give support to some friends who are currently dealing with their significant others being deployed; and to support some of my friends that are currently deployed themselves.
It is because of the support that I wanted to give to them that for the first time in a while I was unable to ignore the cynicism around me. The 2 men who stood behind us and for the entire ceremony chatted about their views and opinions about what should be done over in Afghanistan, oblivious to anyone else's feelings, unaware that what they were saying was not falling on deaf ears, but instead was falling on the ears of people who could have gone without hearing that. It is because of the support that I wanted to give to them that had me turning around shortly after the ceremony to kindly ask another boisterous by-stander to maybe just speak his opinions a little quieter and have some compassion for those that are around him. His response was "Its freedom of speech and I will do and say what I want"...my reply "think about the reason you have that freedom of speech and show some respect."
I went home with a heavy heart wondering if maybe, just maybe what I am about to embark on will even matter to the next generation; if all that we are doing is worth it. but with a heavy heart I went in to work today, only to find that a cenotaph was vandalized on the 10th of November. I am not going to lie, I cried when I saw the picture, and then immediately felt disgusted by my generation, by the lack of respect that people in this country show. I know that it is not everyone who feels this way, I know that many people are grateful for our veterans and our serving members.... but over the last few days I have been hard pressed to find anyone, who is not currently entrenched in this lifestyle (by knowing someone who is, has or will be serving) who is grateful for their freedoms.
For the first time in a long time, I thought that maybe just maybe Canada needs to have a conflict fought on our soil… because it might open the eyes of the very spoiled generation we have living in our midst. Not that I really want to live in a country torn by war, to live in a country where my freedoms and my life can be taken away just by walking out my front door; but I am more than a little concerned that members of our community and our country who feel that they have a God-given right to say what they want, and don't take into account that the very things that they are bashing are the things that gave them that right in the first place.
All in all, the last few days made me question why I was willing and wanting to put my life on the line to protect these people; as selfish as it sounds, one of the thoughts that ran through my head, was 'why should I risk my life for you; when you don't respect what you have.' But then I looked around at the people who did care, who do appreciate what they have and the reason they have some of it... and I thought, 'I won't put my life on the line for Joe Schmuck and his right to free speech because he was born... I will put my life on the line for these people, and for my kids (God willing) and my family and friends. I will do it because I want to, Because I want my nieces and nephews and my children and my friends and family to have freedom... where they are not forced to fight.'
On a side note, I am not joining the military because I have to, I am not joining it for some Free schooling and a pension; although those are added benefits; I'm not joining because I have no other options... I am joining because I want to. I am joining because I want to go to a career every day that I am proud of and that I love, and one where I am constantly learning. I'd still do it if I won the lottery tomorrow. Its not about having to do it; its about wanting to.
Thank you to all that have served either as a member in the military or as support behind those you love; your sacrifices will not be forgotten.
- Stiletto
I went there with the intention of remembering why I have the choices that I have today, why I have the freedoms, I went there thankful for everything I have in my life because I live in this amazing country and because of the people who fought so hard and those who continue to fight so hard to make sure it stayed that way not just for Canadians but for everyone. I went there to give support to some friends who are currently dealing with their significant others being deployed; and to support some of my friends that are currently deployed themselves.
It is because of the support that I wanted to give to them that for the first time in a while I was unable to ignore the cynicism around me. The 2 men who stood behind us and for the entire ceremony chatted about their views and opinions about what should be done over in Afghanistan, oblivious to anyone else's feelings, unaware that what they were saying was not falling on deaf ears, but instead was falling on the ears of people who could have gone without hearing that. It is because of the support that I wanted to give to them that had me turning around shortly after the ceremony to kindly ask another boisterous by-stander to maybe just speak his opinions a little quieter and have some compassion for those that are around him. His response was "Its freedom of speech and I will do and say what I want"...my reply "think about the reason you have that freedom of speech and show some respect."
I went home with a heavy heart wondering if maybe, just maybe what I am about to embark on will even matter to the next generation; if all that we are doing is worth it. but with a heavy heart I went in to work today, only to find that a cenotaph was vandalized on the 10th of November. I am not going to lie, I cried when I saw the picture, and then immediately felt disgusted by my generation, by the lack of respect that people in this country show. I know that it is not everyone who feels this way, I know that many people are grateful for our veterans and our serving members.... but over the last few days I have been hard pressed to find anyone, who is not currently entrenched in this lifestyle (by knowing someone who is, has or will be serving) who is grateful for their freedoms.
For the first time in a long time, I thought that maybe just maybe Canada needs to have a conflict fought on our soil… because it might open the eyes of the very spoiled generation we have living in our midst. Not that I really want to live in a country torn by war, to live in a country where my freedoms and my life can be taken away just by walking out my front door; but I am more than a little concerned that members of our community and our country who feel that they have a God-given right to say what they want, and don't take into account that the very things that they are bashing are the things that gave them that right in the first place.
All in all, the last few days made me question why I was willing and wanting to put my life on the line to protect these people; as selfish as it sounds, one of the thoughts that ran through my head, was 'why should I risk my life for you; when you don't respect what you have.' But then I looked around at the people who did care, who do appreciate what they have and the reason they have some of it... and I thought, 'I won't put my life on the line for Joe Schmuck and his right to free speech because he was born... I will put my life on the line for these people, and for my kids (God willing) and my family and friends. I will do it because I want to, Because I want my nieces and nephews and my children and my friends and family to have freedom... where they are not forced to fight.'
On a side note, I am not joining the military because I have to, I am not joining it for some Free schooling and a pension; although those are added benefits; I'm not joining because I have no other options... I am joining because I want to. I am joining because I want to go to a career every day that I am proud of and that I love, and one where I am constantly learning. I'd still do it if I won the lottery tomorrow. Its not about having to do it; its about wanting to.
Thank you to all that have served either as a member in the military or as support behind those you love; your sacrifices will not be forgotten.
- Stiletto
Thursday, November 5, 2009
The song that is perpetually running through my head...
Doesn't it suck when life throws you into a situation and all you can do is dwell on the song lyrics because they remind you of your situation...the only problem is, is that unlike this video I probably wont get my happy ending... I doubt A will jump on a plane just to tell me he still loves me too.
Need you now - Lady Antebellum
Picture perfect memories,
scattered all around the floor
reaching for the phone,
'cause I can't fight it anymore.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind,
for me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one,
I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call, but I lost all control,
And I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now.
Another shot of whiskey,
can't stop looking at the door,
wishing you'd come sweeping in the way,
you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind,
for me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one,
I'm a little drunk, and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call,
but I lost all control,
and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now.
Oh oooooooh
I guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all
It's a quarter after one,
I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call, but I'm a little drunk,
and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now.
Oh Baby, I need you now.
A, I hate that you can still make my heart melt, and have me crumbling at your feet with only a few words.
Wishing you'd come sweep me off my feet again,
- Stiletto
Need you now - Lady Antebellum
Picture perfect memories,
scattered all around the floor
reaching for the phone,
'cause I can't fight it anymore.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind,
for me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one,
I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call, but I lost all control,
And I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now.
Another shot of whiskey,
can't stop looking at the door,
wishing you'd come sweeping in the way,
you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind,
for me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one,
I'm a little drunk, and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call,
but I lost all control,
and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now.
Oh oooooooh
I guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all
It's a quarter after one,
I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call, but I'm a little drunk,
and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now.
Oh Baby, I need you now.
A, I hate that you can still make my heart melt, and have me crumbling at your feet with only a few words.
Wishing you'd come sweep me off my feet again,
- Stiletto
You could have let me love you...
that's what you could have done.
you say you are sitting there regretting your decision to end us, A. When all you had to do was let me love you, all you had to do was let me in. Hell, that's all you still have to do, let me in, let me love you, let me show you that when things get hard, I wont waver... I wont run like they did.
A, all I ever wanted was to be the one you ran to when things got hard, the one you told everything to, the one you turned to when you were sad, the one you shared your happy moments with. You were adamant that you didn't want that, that I wasn't the one for you. And now you say you are regretting that, but you don't want to try us again. You say you miss me indescribably, and you miss everything about me, physically and emotionally, and yet you are to stubborn to see what you had, is what you can still have.
You say I deserve better and that I shouldn't want you anymore, after all, you did break my heart. But here is the problem, you still have my heart, and even though I know I shouldn't want you and I know that I deserve better, that silly little heart you hold in your hands doesn't care what I deserve, it only knows what it wants... and it wants you.
A, I told you once, that after you I doubt that anyone could take your place. I wasn't kidding, it wasn't just love soaked drivel I was telling you; it was the truth, when I said I'd wait for you forever, and that if you would let me love you forever I would. It was the truth; and although you may not want me to love you forever, my little heart can't help but do it anyway.
Even now, knowing that you think us is an impossible task to restart, my heart beats wildly at having the incling that you have thought about it. I know you better than to tell you this all right now, I know that you are emotionally shut down, because it's what you do when you are lost and confused. You have never been able to run to someone when you feel this way so you shut down; but don't you see, I realize that and I don't love you in spite of it, I love you because of it.
That's right, you tore my heart out and held it in your hands and then dropped it...and yet, like a child who doesn't know any better I still love you. I would still give you my heart again, I would still give you all the trust I have left....
I've been telling myself I am over you, hell, I've been telling everyone I am over you; but let me be honest with you now. I'm not, nor do I think I ever will be. You were my everything, you were my lover, my best friend, the man that stole my heart at a single glance.
You were my first love, that's right, the little girl that I was loved the little boy that you were, so many years ago. And now, the woman that I am loves the man that you are, and the man that you are afraid to be...still. Months of heartache on both our parts, proves that you made a mistake... we all make mistakes; the trick is to grow with them.
Whether or not 'we' ever happen again, know that you will always hold my heart in your hands... you were the only man that ever got my whole heart... its only fitting that you keep a bit of it.
I got this dream I’ve been dreamin’
The perfect picture of love
Sparks and fireworks flyin’,
almost too hot to touch
Then everything I wanted and then some
Suddenly walked in the room
I said I needed different, but maybe I spoke to soon
It’s every kind of crazy I could ever imagine
A battle raging between my head & my heart
But if you gotta have it all, that madness and passion
Then you’ll learn Ooo, you’ll learn
If you want fire It better be worth the burn
We’re either laughing or crying
Flying high or running away
But in between the thunder & lightning
There’s always another day
It’s every kind of crazy I could ever imagine
A battle raging ‘tween my head & my heart
But if you gotta have it all, that madness and passion
Then you’ll learn Ooo, you’ll learn
If you want fire It better be worth the burn
Sometimes it feels all or nothing
Sometimes it’s nothing at all
But in between those moments it’s magic
That softens the fall
It’s every kind of crazy I could ever imagine
A battle raging between my head & my heart
But if you gotta have it all that madness and passion
Then you’ll learn
Ooo, you’ll learn
If you want fire
It better be worth the burn
A; to me, you are worth the burn
- Stiletto
you say you are sitting there regretting your decision to end us, A. When all you had to do was let me love you, all you had to do was let me in. Hell, that's all you still have to do, let me in, let me love you, let me show you that when things get hard, I wont waver... I wont run like they did.
A, all I ever wanted was to be the one you ran to when things got hard, the one you told everything to, the one you turned to when you were sad, the one you shared your happy moments with. You were adamant that you didn't want that, that I wasn't the one for you. And now you say you are regretting that, but you don't want to try us again. You say you miss me indescribably, and you miss everything about me, physically and emotionally, and yet you are to stubborn to see what you had, is what you can still have.
You say I deserve better and that I shouldn't want you anymore, after all, you did break my heart. But here is the problem, you still have my heart, and even though I know I shouldn't want you and I know that I deserve better, that silly little heart you hold in your hands doesn't care what I deserve, it only knows what it wants... and it wants you.
A, I told you once, that after you I doubt that anyone could take your place. I wasn't kidding, it wasn't just love soaked drivel I was telling you; it was the truth, when I said I'd wait for you forever, and that if you would let me love you forever I would. It was the truth; and although you may not want me to love you forever, my little heart can't help but do it anyway.
Even now, knowing that you think us is an impossible task to restart, my heart beats wildly at having the incling that you have thought about it. I know you better than to tell you this all right now, I know that you are emotionally shut down, because it's what you do when you are lost and confused. You have never been able to run to someone when you feel this way so you shut down; but don't you see, I realize that and I don't love you in spite of it, I love you because of it.
That's right, you tore my heart out and held it in your hands and then dropped it...and yet, like a child who doesn't know any better I still love you. I would still give you my heart again, I would still give you all the trust I have left....
I've been telling myself I am over you, hell, I've been telling everyone I am over you; but let me be honest with you now. I'm not, nor do I think I ever will be. You were my everything, you were my lover, my best friend, the man that stole my heart at a single glance.
You were my first love, that's right, the little girl that I was loved the little boy that you were, so many years ago. And now, the woman that I am loves the man that you are, and the man that you are afraid to be...still. Months of heartache on both our parts, proves that you made a mistake... we all make mistakes; the trick is to grow with them.
Whether or not 'we' ever happen again, know that you will always hold my heart in your hands... you were the only man that ever got my whole heart... its only fitting that you keep a bit of it.
I got this dream I’ve been dreamin’
The perfect picture of love
Sparks and fireworks flyin’,
almost too hot to touch
Then everything I wanted and then some
Suddenly walked in the room
I said I needed different, but maybe I spoke to soon
It’s every kind of crazy I could ever imagine
A battle raging between my head & my heart
But if you gotta have it all, that madness and passion
Then you’ll learn Ooo, you’ll learn
If you want fire It better be worth the burn
We’re either laughing or crying
Flying high or running away
But in between the thunder & lightning
There’s always another day
It’s every kind of crazy I could ever imagine
A battle raging ‘tween my head & my heart
But if you gotta have it all, that madness and passion
Then you’ll learn Ooo, you’ll learn
If you want fire It better be worth the burn
Sometimes it feels all or nothing
Sometimes it’s nothing at all
But in between those moments it’s magic
That softens the fall
It’s every kind of crazy I could ever imagine
A battle raging between my head & my heart
But if you gotta have it all that madness and passion
Then you’ll learn
Ooo, you’ll learn
If you want fire
It better be worth the burn
A; to me, you are worth the burn
- Stiletto
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Just when I think I am Okay....
he contacts me.
I have been struggling the last few months; flopping from being okay with my life now, finding out who I am and what I want for my life. I finally figure it out and then A contacts me; and I feel the hurt all over again.
I know I should just change my number, or not answer or ignore the emails; but I can't bring myself to do it. I love him still, I know part of me always will. But I can't seem to let him go... part of me wants to, I just want to move on, but part of me wants him still, that part of me just wants her man back, the guy that she started dating and fell hopelessly in love with from the very first kiss.
I am at a loss of what to do, the contact kills me, almost as much as the lack of contact does. I know that a little piece of me is just tired of being alone, but I also know that still wanting him is bigger than that little piece. I am trying to be happy about the opportunities that are in front of me, but I feel like 90% of me is faking it.
I just want to go back to bed, I'm tired, and lonely and scared...and I just want to feel safe again.
Still longing for something that will never be;
- Stiletto
I have been struggling the last few months; flopping from being okay with my life now, finding out who I am and what I want for my life. I finally figure it out and then A contacts me; and I feel the hurt all over again.
I know I should just change my number, or not answer or ignore the emails; but I can't bring myself to do it. I love him still, I know part of me always will. But I can't seem to let him go... part of me wants to, I just want to move on, but part of me wants him still, that part of me just wants her man back, the guy that she started dating and fell hopelessly in love with from the very first kiss.
I am at a loss of what to do, the contact kills me, almost as much as the lack of contact does. I know that a little piece of me is just tired of being alone, but I also know that still wanting him is bigger than that little piece. I am trying to be happy about the opportunities that are in front of me, but I feel like 90% of me is faking it.
I just want to go back to bed, I'm tired, and lonely and scared...and I just want to feel safe again.
Still longing for something that will never be;
- Stiletto
Monday, November 2, 2009
BMQ and Bagpipes...
I have never not wanted to hear the bagpipes...
But I know on my grad parade day, I will be silently praying that they have changed the pipers.
Maybe by then I will be okay with it, maybe by then I will be able to handle seeing A again.... but right now, I'm not okay with it.
A and I shared an MSN conversation yesterday, there wasn't a lot said; however we talked a bit about basic and how he liked his new position; he wants to meet up for coffee or something of the sort while I am at basic and the proceeded to tell me that he will actually be piping at several of the grad parades in St. Jean.
I don't know if I will ever be ready to face him again, but I know that it will not be a good situation, with family members that are planning on showing up to my grad, if he is there it could make for one very unpleasant day.
Ughh...
Sorry I just needed to get this out, I know its not something I need to concern myself with right now, but at this very moment, its all I can think about.
What kills me is that he is happy and I feel like I am stuck in Limbo...
Stressed and tires of being alone and in Limbo;
- Stiletto
But I know on my grad parade day, I will be silently praying that they have changed the pipers.
Maybe by then I will be okay with it, maybe by then I will be able to handle seeing A again.... but right now, I'm not okay with it.
A and I shared an MSN conversation yesterday, there wasn't a lot said; however we talked a bit about basic and how he liked his new position; he wants to meet up for coffee or something of the sort while I am at basic and the proceeded to tell me that he will actually be piping at several of the grad parades in St. Jean.
I don't know if I will ever be ready to face him again, but I know that it will not be a good situation, with family members that are planning on showing up to my grad, if he is there it could make for one very unpleasant day.
Ughh...
Sorry I just needed to get this out, I know its not something I need to concern myself with right now, but at this very moment, its all I can think about.
What kills me is that he is happy and I feel like I am stuck in Limbo...
Stressed and tires of being alone and in Limbo;
- Stiletto
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