I really don't know what to say when people tell me that they can't believe how strong I am to complete and entire summer without phone calls and almost 6 months without any physical contact from my man. I don't think I am that strong, I mean if anybody saw the number of breakdowns I have had over the days that A has been gone....Strong would not be the word used to describe me. I think blubbering basket case would fit better.
Strong is not me...I have days where I feel like I cant lift my head off the pillow. I have moments where I doubt everything in my relationship. I have tears streaming down my face more often than not. I send stupid emails to A, just to feel like I have had some sort of communication with him that day. And worst of all I have days where I think that life would just be easier if I could sleep until this tasking was done.
Strong..... isn't someone who wishes for a shirt or something that A has worn just so I can remember what he smells like. It's not someone who has to sleep with 4 pillows, just to make it feel like he is there...and one of them with a heating pad in between the pillow and the pillowcase so that it feels like there is some body heat coming from it. Strong isn't someone who has to sit down in the shower just to cry before heading off to work.
So when people tell me I am strong for sticking this out... I just want to scream at them;
"I am not strong... I am sad, lonely, scared and exhausted. But I love A more than anything, and this is part of the life that I agreed to."
I want to yell at them when the tears start streaming down my face because I know that I am in the home stretch of this tasking with only 6 weeks to go... and yet those 6 weeks seem like a lifetime away.
I'm not strong...I'm just in love with a man who loves his country...
Later
-Stiletto
Friday, July 17, 2009
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