As another group prepares to leave today I find myself sitting and wondering how so many of you are handling these deployments so well. I don't have a boyfriend, a fiance, or a husband on this tour. However I do have a few good friends on it, one in particular is leaving today... and the thought of him leaving for the 3rd time, to do his job...that he loves; scares me.
Due to his trade he is being sent over for a minimum of 9 months to a time of no more than 365 days... he misses Christmas, his birthday and many other family events, that I know he would want to be a part of. But instead, he is getting on a plane to serve his country. Something he knows how to do very well; with 2 tours already under his belt, (his first was in Bosnia and his 2nd was in Af'stan just over a year ago.) he does this without remorse, without fear...instead he looks forward to it; he views it as an opportunity. "There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because his conscience tells him it is right...." - Martin Luther
I am having a hard time with his tour this time around, I'm not sure if its because I am scared at the fact that one day that could be me... leaving to do something for the greater, or if it's because we missed our pre-deployment coffee tradition this time around, or a mixture of those 2 reason and many others.
Today, I am finding myself frustrated with the people in my office who are complaining about small problems... there biggest fear today is having to work late on a Friday, and there wireless Internet not connecting for parts of the afternoon. I have to admit, I am having to watch what I say to them on these comments more than ever; because today I might just tell them how it is for so many of you. Wireless Internet being down for an hour, is not a huge problem... Today, I found myself angry with one of my co-workers over a snide remark that I would have normally just shrugged off...
I would like to let those women, who are currently going through a deployment, and those of you that have been through a deployment know that; you are some of the strongest people one could ever be fortunate enough to meet. You who hold your head up high, masking the fear and the loneliness. You who religiously pack care packages, and write letters to the people you love. You who are giddy, with a soaring heart and a mile wide smile when you get the smallest conversation or email from your SO. You who go through each day, marking it off on the calender and feel a small sense of accomplishment with every X that has been made. You who fall into bed at night after a week with no phone call, and let the tears fall. You are the hero's; without the love and support that you give to your loved ones; our military wouldn't be the same. I am reminded of these to quotes when I think of a military wife:
"It is interesting to notice how some minds seem almost to create themselves, springing up under every disadvantage, and working their solitary but irresistible way through a thousand obstacles." - Washington Irving
"They merit more praise who know how to suffer misery than those who temper themselves in contentment." -Pietro Aretino
May God bless you and your families.
Until they all come home...
- Stiletto
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Stupidity at a whole new level, and updates...
That's what I have created...uggghhh.
So, I have been really tired lately, and yet at night I find that I can't sleep. I'm anxious and excited and stressed and nervous and most days my stomach is in so many knots that I am nauesous more often than not; this of course makes me not really hungry... which in turn only makes me more tired.
So, I'm tired, hungry and obviously not taking care of myself very well, but I love going to the gym and yesterday was the first day where I could go back. *Note*: to all of you that like going to the gym... make sure you're not tired when you go. I had 4 minutes left to my workout, and I stepped on my ankle funny... now I am thinking I may have to go to the Dr. *SIGH*
**Please, oh please, oh please don't let it be broken**
My boss's last day is tomorrow, its pretty sad actually, I know I should be used to this as I ahve worked my way through 6 bosses now, but this boss has been here forever, he was the one that created my position for me, he was the one that forced my first boss to hire me; and now he is leaving. I am baking him a cake tonight to say thanks. Hopefully it turns out well.
*****
In other sad news we have now lost 132 Canadian soldiers.... its a scary thought. In the last week (since Monday) there have been 22 American soldiers, and 1 Canadian soldier who have left us suddenly, with countless wounded... May God protect them and keep them safe; and may he be with their families in this horrible time.
Until they all come home.
- Stiletto
So, I have been really tired lately, and yet at night I find that I can't sleep. I'm anxious and excited and stressed and nervous and most days my stomach is in so many knots that I am nauesous more often than not; this of course makes me not really hungry... which in turn only makes me more tired.
So, I'm tired, hungry and obviously not taking care of myself very well, but I love going to the gym and yesterday was the first day where I could go back. *Note*: to all of you that like going to the gym... make sure you're not tired when you go. I had 4 minutes left to my workout, and I stepped on my ankle funny... now I am thinking I may have to go to the Dr. *SIGH*
**Please, oh please, oh please don't let it be broken**
My boss's last day is tomorrow, its pretty sad actually, I know I should be used to this as I ahve worked my way through 6 bosses now, but this boss has been here forever, he was the one that created my position for me, he was the one that forced my first boss to hire me; and now he is leaving. I am baking him a cake tonight to say thanks. Hopefully it turns out well.
*****
In other sad news we have now lost 132 Canadian soldiers.... its a scary thought. In the last week (since Monday) there have been 22 American soldiers, and 1 Canadian soldier who have left us suddenly, with countless wounded... May God protect them and keep them safe; and may he be with their families in this horrible time.
Until they all come home.
- Stiletto
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Exhausted....
I am at the end of the process... well, sort of; now I just play the CF waiting game... and who knows how long that will be.
I wont be heading off to basic until January at the earliest, My medical will probably be a set back for me... as I am predisposed to knee issues and they aren't sure if the PCOS will cause issues as well.... sigh. I had to go and get a piece of paper signed by the person that did my laser eye surgery... so they aren't going to be able to send my application off until Friday at the earliest...and then its supposed to be 2-6 weeks from then before I will even hear an answer.
On the good side I passed my interview with flying colors!!
In other news... A good friend of mine is leaving for the Af'stan soon... G be safe, and if you see a camel spider; shoot to kill not to maim... or it'll come after you. And yes, I will be sending you care packages and letters... maybe not so much while I'm in basic (if I make it there)...but I'll try to keep the letter writing going :)
Halloween is fast approaching, my favorite holiday... you can dress up however you want and no one says anything. lol. I have no idea what I am going to be this year, but I do know I do not want to sit at home. L and her B and AG and I are all supposed to do something, but what, I have no idea. We shall see what happens come Saturday.
It seems as if the last few weeks have been go go go... non-stop action all the time. It doesn't look like it is going to slow down anytime soon though. I am quite enjoying having a life, but at the same time, I'm not used to this much activity; so much so that you literally need to book me in advance if you want to see me... lol. I've had to turn down quite a few invitations to go out s of late due to other plans that I have had.
Ah well, I must be off to work, then to the gym and possibly out to coffee and costume shopping tonight.
Waiting for the madness to stop;
- Stiletto
I wont be heading off to basic until January at the earliest, My medical will probably be a set back for me... as I am predisposed to knee issues and they aren't sure if the PCOS will cause issues as well.... sigh. I had to go and get a piece of paper signed by the person that did my laser eye surgery... so they aren't going to be able to send my application off until Friday at the earliest...and then its supposed to be 2-6 weeks from then before I will even hear an answer.
On the good side I passed my interview with flying colors!!
In other news... A good friend of mine is leaving for the Af'stan soon... G be safe, and if you see a camel spider; shoot to kill not to maim... or it'll come after you. And yes, I will be sending you care packages and letters... maybe not so much while I'm in basic (if I make it there)...but I'll try to keep the letter writing going :)
Halloween is fast approaching, my favorite holiday... you can dress up however you want and no one says anything. lol. I have no idea what I am going to be this year, but I do know I do not want to sit at home. L and her B and AG and I are all supposed to do something, but what, I have no idea. We shall see what happens come Saturday.
It seems as if the last few weeks have been go go go... non-stop action all the time. It doesn't look like it is going to slow down anytime soon though. I am quite enjoying having a life, but at the same time, I'm not used to this much activity; so much so that you literally need to book me in advance if you want to see me... lol. I've had to turn down quite a few invitations to go out s of late due to other plans that I have had.
Ah well, I must be off to work, then to the gym and possibly out to coffee and costume shopping tonight.
Waiting for the madness to stop;
- Stiletto
Monday, October 26, 2009
A hero:
AG wrote a very touching blog for her husband yesterday; it was an amazing blog, filled with love and hope. She touched on hero's in her blog, which got me thinking about who my hero's are....I decided to write my own blog to recognize some of my heroes.
Hero:
1. a person of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.
2. a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal.
I have a hero, actually I have a few heroes... My hero's come in all different shapes and sizes, and I've found that there is no age limit to being heroic in someones eyes; and an act of heroic measures can be found throughout almost any ones lives, if we look for it; however it isn't often that our hero's would believe that they are truly our hero's to them, they are just doing what they believe they need or needed to do.
My 10 year old nephew (Puddin Head) Is one of my hero's... He stood up to someone a short while back, he showed more of a backbone than I have seen in a while. And the person he stood up to is someone most children and in this case most of my family does not stand up to. He didn't do it out of malice or spite, only concern and love. He stood up to his dad.... He did so because he loves his dad, however he also loves his step-mom and his 2 baby sisters. I admire him for this brave deed and showing such a noble quality... Puddin Head you are my hero.
My mom, often times, when we grow into adulthood we realize that our parents weren't really that bad, and truth be told they did an amazing job at raising us especially all throughout our rebellious teen years. We often tell them this, we show them our respect and our thankfulness more and more often as we get older, and then even more so when we have our own little hellions to raise. However; my mom is my hero because of all she did while raising us. A person of distinguished courage or ability... that is my mom. Never have I met someone with such a tremendous amount of courage. For those of you that don't know my parents are divorced, my mom left her life, where there was some semblance of security, and took us to my grandparents home (the only comfortable place she knew). She drove a standard for the first time with us in the backseat fighting the whole 6 hour trip....all to provide us with something better, knowing that she to deserved more. Later on in life, she did it again, for me. She was faced with a choice, one that she shouldn't have had to make, and she chose that I was more important. My mom is amazing, My mom is a hero, a role model, someone in which I will constantly strive to be like....Thanks Mom.
Hero:
1. a person of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.
2. a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal.
I have a hero, actually I have a few heroes... My hero's come in all different shapes and sizes, and I've found that there is no age limit to being heroic in someones eyes; and an act of heroic measures can be found throughout almost any ones lives, if we look for it; however it isn't often that our hero's would believe that they are truly our hero's to them, they are just doing what they believe they need or needed to do.
My 10 year old nephew (Puddin Head) Is one of my hero's... He stood up to someone a short while back, he showed more of a backbone than I have seen in a while. And the person he stood up to is someone most children and in this case most of my family does not stand up to. He didn't do it out of malice or spite, only concern and love. He stood up to his dad.... He did so because he loves his dad, however he also loves his step-mom and his 2 baby sisters. I admire him for this brave deed and showing such a noble quality... Puddin Head you are my hero.
My mom, often times, when we grow into adulthood we realize that our parents weren't really that bad, and truth be told they did an amazing job at raising us especially all throughout our rebellious teen years. We often tell them this, we show them our respect and our thankfulness more and more often as we get older, and then even more so when we have our own little hellions to raise. However; my mom is my hero because of all she did while raising us. A person of distinguished courage or ability... that is my mom. Never have I met someone with such a tremendous amount of courage. For those of you that don't know my parents are divorced, my mom left her life, where there was some semblance of security, and took us to my grandparents home (the only comfortable place she knew). She drove a standard for the first time with us in the backseat fighting the whole 6 hour trip....all to provide us with something better, knowing that she to deserved more. Later on in life, she did it again, for me. She was faced with a choice, one that she shouldn't have had to make, and she chose that I was more important. My mom is amazing, My mom is a hero, a role model, someone in which I will constantly strive to be like....Thanks Mom.
S....S is a big hero of mine, although I am sure she doesn't know it. S became the first best friend I have had, 10 years and 23 days ago I met someone who has always been there when I have needed her, and I strive to do the same for her. Yes, our lives have taken different paths, and they will continue to do so; However I know that even when we are miles away, I can still call her and she will still answer the phone and be there for me as much as she can. S came into my life at a time where I wasn't sure how my life would pan out... in the darker days, when I wasn't sure I wanted much of a life... S picked me up (little did she know) and carried me with her friendship, she accepted me for who I was, and she still accepts me for who I have grown to be. S, you have no idea how much of a hero and an inspiration you are to me, and how much of one you continue to be. You have shown me what a true friendship should be like, and have allowed me to see how 2 healthy relationships work (both yours and your parents) I will never be able to thank you enough for that... I am truly blessed that our relationship has lasted so long, even through all of the stuff its been through.
I have many other heroes...many of the MG's I have met are hero's of mine, and should be considered hero's the world over; they give up so much and get no glory from it. They show courage everyday and are faced with many trying situations.
Like I said heroism can be found just about everywhere you look, and I could list 100's of people on here; and how each has effected my life....these are just a few, some of which I don't tell often enough just how much they mean to me...
"There are heroes who walk among us, never looking for glory or praise. They don't seek recognition for their thoughtful, caring ways. Living lives of deep commitment, providing for those they hold dear. Steadfast with a quiet strength, through times of laughter and tears. You are a person like that to me. The most selfless by far."
- Stiletto
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Date #1
If you asked me way back in July if I would date again... I would have told you no. but life goes on and I have found that you need to adapt and move with it or you just get left behind... and no one wants to be left behind.
So today I went on my first date in a loooooong time. It was actually a pretty decent date with a really decent guy although I don't see any potential ...
A mix of emotions has filled me as of recently and I am not 100% sure that it is fair to anyone to start something that would have to put on hold for months and months while I am away doing my training, and I really don't feel like putting my life on hold (once again) for something. But am I really ready to date...No.
The date went really well, there was a lot of laughing, and never a lack of conversation but some topics that we talked about held some red flags for me. I am finding that the older I get the more I know what I want out of life and the less I am willing to change what I want for someone else.... after all Cinderella got it all, why can't I?
Anyway back to the date, it wasn't much of anything but walking and talking, we got ice cream and just chatted about things, life in general, a bit about our backgrounds and what each of us wanted in the future (this is where I saw red flags). Our views of what the future held were vastly different, however I kept my mouth shut on this for the time being as people don't need to know right away that I want babies, and that I am sort of on a timed schedule for them. Its not really a first date topic... there was also a lot of talk about why someone would join the military and why someone would choose to leave it. There seemed to be a lot of talk as to why someone would leave, leading me to believe that he didn't realize that people stayed in the CF for life, make a career out of it. (which is my plan right now....but we all know plans change)....And the word crazy came up a lot in reference to joining the military... I have yet to establish of that is a good crazy or a bad crazy.
Time will tell I suppose, but I am deciding right now to be a little more decisive in these matters than I have been in the past. Red flags are always red flags and I have learned my lesson in hoping that that the red flags will go away.
living for me has never been so complicated and educational,
- Stiletto
So today I went on my first date in a loooooong time. It was actually a pretty decent date with a really decent guy although I don't see any potential ...
A mix of emotions has filled me as of recently and I am not 100% sure that it is fair to anyone to start something that would have to put on hold for months and months while I am away doing my training, and I really don't feel like putting my life on hold (once again) for something. But am I really ready to date...No.
The date went really well, there was a lot of laughing, and never a lack of conversation but some topics that we talked about held some red flags for me. I am finding that the older I get the more I know what I want out of life and the less I am willing to change what I want for someone else.... after all Cinderella got it all, why can't I?
Anyway back to the date, it wasn't much of anything but walking and talking, we got ice cream and just chatted about things, life in general, a bit about our backgrounds and what each of us wanted in the future (this is where I saw red flags). Our views of what the future held were vastly different, however I kept my mouth shut on this for the time being as people don't need to know right away that I want babies, and that I am sort of on a timed schedule for them. Its not really a first date topic... there was also a lot of talk about why someone would join the military and why someone would choose to leave it. There seemed to be a lot of talk as to why someone would leave, leading me to believe that he didn't realize that people stayed in the CF for life, make a career out of it. (which is my plan right now....but we all know plans change)....And the word crazy came up a lot in reference to joining the military... I have yet to establish of that is a good crazy or a bad crazy.
Time will tell I suppose, but I am deciding right now to be a little more decisive in these matters than I have been in the past. Red flags are always red flags and I have learned my lesson in hoping that that the red flags will go away.
living for me has never been so complicated and educational,
- Stiletto
Friday, October 23, 2009
The coming week...
Wow, I feel like things are moving so fast and yet at the same time they are moving so slow.
It is the end of October...It's hard to believe that it was only 21 days ago today that I put my application in to join the CF...On Tuesday I have my medical and my interview...that's 25 days, I thought that maybe it would take me 2 or 3 months to get to this point.
Now 21 days later here I am anxiously awaiting Tuesday, wondering if I am prepared enough for the interview, if i have all my information that I need for my medical, and wondering how long the medical will take to come back, I've heard anywhere between 3 and 5 weeks. That will put me on the merit list somewhere between November 17th and December 1st!!
If it doesn't come back until December 1st, that means I wont go out to basic until early next year... if it comes back on the 17th I could be leaving as early as December 3rd.... its crazy to know that my life is now being controlled by someone else.... it will be nice to not leave until after Christmas though, it means that the time that I am in the field will be a little warmer...muddy, but warmer. However it means that its a few more weeks waiting. waiting to start my new career.
Its a scary thought, starting an entirely new career, it feels like I am doing this so late in life, that if I had only done things for me sooner I would be entrenched in the life and I may have followed a different path, not had to deal with some of the heartache...but then I think about the friends I've made, the people I've met and the lessons I have learned along the way, and I don't think that I would want that changed...I mean how many times do you make such good friends through the Internet that they would fly out to visit you for a weekend.... without you even asking them to. I know I have made friends for life, and I guess most of the nerves I am feeling is because of the fact that I have such an amazing support group...people that have been by my side and supporting me for years and people that feel like they have been by my side supporting me for years.
Through one of these people, I am beginning to find part of me that I have neglected for a long time... I am beginning to find my faith again. It is an amazing feeling, because having my faith come back makes me feel like I can do anything. It is just another thing for me to hang onto when I am away and missing everyone that has so impacted my life. I will hang on to the fact that not only do they believe in me but also in the fact that "through Christ I can do anything"
Mantra for the week of October 25, 2009
- Fear: You either face it or run from it - but if you run from it you chance missing something amazing.
- Stiletto
It is the end of October...It's hard to believe that it was only 21 days ago today that I put my application in to join the CF...On Tuesday I have my medical and my interview...that's 25 days, I thought that maybe it would take me 2 or 3 months to get to this point.
Now 21 days later here I am anxiously awaiting Tuesday, wondering if I am prepared enough for the interview, if i have all my information that I need for my medical, and wondering how long the medical will take to come back, I've heard anywhere between 3 and 5 weeks. That will put me on the merit list somewhere between November 17th and December 1st!!
If it doesn't come back until December 1st, that means I wont go out to basic until early next year... if it comes back on the 17th I could be leaving as early as December 3rd.... its crazy to know that my life is now being controlled by someone else.... it will be nice to not leave until after Christmas though, it means that the time that I am in the field will be a little warmer...muddy, but warmer. However it means that its a few more weeks waiting. waiting to start my new career.
Its a scary thought, starting an entirely new career, it feels like I am doing this so late in life, that if I had only done things for me sooner I would be entrenched in the life and I may have followed a different path, not had to deal with some of the heartache...but then I think about the friends I've made, the people I've met and the lessons I have learned along the way, and I don't think that I would want that changed...I mean how many times do you make such good friends through the Internet that they would fly out to visit you for a weekend.... without you even asking them to. I know I have made friends for life, and I guess most of the nerves I am feeling is because of the fact that I have such an amazing support group...people that have been by my side and supporting me for years and people that feel like they have been by my side supporting me for years.
Through one of these people, I am beginning to find part of me that I have neglected for a long time... I am beginning to find my faith again. It is an amazing feeling, because having my faith come back makes me feel like I can do anything. It is just another thing for me to hang onto when I am away and missing everyone that has so impacted my life. I will hang on to the fact that not only do they believe in me but also in the fact that "through Christ I can do anything"
Mantra for the week of October 25, 2009
- Fear: You either face it or run from it - but if you run from it you chance missing something amazing.
- Stiletto
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Dating????
Singledom... you think it sounds kind of good when your in a relationship and in an exasperating argument with your 'loved' one....and then it comes... The day in which you suddenly find yourself single and your head is left spinning just a little bit and all you can think is 'What the Fuck? How did that happen?'
But alas you follow the grieving process, all along (if your like me) torturing yourself in the process, trying to figure out what is going on with the elusive ex now. Asking yourself random and unimportant questions like: is he happy? is he fine without me? Is he living with her? (this last one usually brings on another WTF moment, when you realize that although you can sniff out a liar with the best of them sometimes a liars cologne is to strong to sniff them out.)
Then suddenly you wake up one day, and although you still hurt, all you can think about is getting back up on that horse... mind the pun...after all a woman must ride again sometime. This folks is the stage that I am at...I hurt still, I am not going to lie. I don't think the hurt will fully stop until I find someone who I care more about; it is a fact that I am slowly trying to accept. So I am at the get back up on that horse stage; this is normally a good thing, a sign that one is moving on and is attempting to embrace singledom (it may be a poor attempt, but attempting is better than lying in a pile of Kleenex on your bathroom floor wishing God would take you away from the hurt...because in the melodramatic state that you have been left in this seems like the most viable option). However in my case the timing of the get back up on that horse stage couldn't be worse.
It's not that I don't want to date, its that I feel I can't. I should share that not only am I a serial monogamous, I am also a serial long term relationship type of person... even my 'friends' were more long term than short term... for those of you that have known me for a while now... we can all remember Q.... my 2 year 'friends-with-benefits-turned-confusing'. And of course the only 2 guys I've ever really dated (A and B) one of which I was engaged to and one of which we were planning a life together including babies....S, we wont count Farmer E...because that never really got far.
So I am leaving for basic training....eventually, one day probably sooner than later.... and it is hard on a relationship... but on a new relationship; it just wouldn't work.... and yet here I stand with cell phone in hand agreeing to meet AG's friend and AG at a pub tomorrow...just to check it (*cough* him) out. And yet this comes the day after I texted back L's friend telling him that no I wasn't looking for a relationship of any sort nor would I like to go on a date...I didn't think it was fair to start something knowing I was leaving shortly... and unlike back int he day (when I was 18ish) one night stands just don't appeal to me.
Knowing that tomorrow night isn't really a date, but it could potentially lead to one has me in cold sweats and fits of giddiness all at the same time.... I'm so confused and torn, but I am not going to let life happen while I wait for things to start, if there is anything that the past 6 years has taught me its that. second chances don't happen often, 3rd chances are even more rare...and that's how I am looking at this next chapter... my 3rd attempt to get my life on the track that it maybe should have been on in the first place....
This weeks Mantra:
"It's okay to live a little...you deserve to have fun too!"
- Stiletto
But alas you follow the grieving process, all along (if your like me) torturing yourself in the process, trying to figure out what is going on with the elusive ex now. Asking yourself random and unimportant questions like: is he happy? is he fine without me? Is he living with her? (this last one usually brings on another WTF moment, when you realize that although you can sniff out a liar with the best of them sometimes a liars cologne is to strong to sniff them out.)
Then suddenly you wake up one day, and although you still hurt, all you can think about is getting back up on that horse... mind the pun...after all a woman must ride again sometime. This folks is the stage that I am at...I hurt still, I am not going to lie. I don't think the hurt will fully stop until I find someone who I care more about; it is a fact that I am slowly trying to accept. So I am at the get back up on that horse stage; this is normally a good thing, a sign that one is moving on and is attempting to embrace singledom (it may be a poor attempt, but attempting is better than lying in a pile of Kleenex on your bathroom floor wishing God would take you away from the hurt...because in the melodramatic state that you have been left in this seems like the most viable option). However in my case the timing of the get back up on that horse stage couldn't be worse.
It's not that I don't want to date, its that I feel I can't. I should share that not only am I a serial monogamous, I am also a serial long term relationship type of person... even my 'friends' were more long term than short term... for those of you that have known me for a while now... we can all remember Q.... my 2 year 'friends-with-benefits-turned-confusing'. And of course the only 2 guys I've ever really dated (A and B) one of which I was engaged to and one of which we were planning a life together including babies....S, we wont count Farmer E...because that never really got far.
So I am leaving for basic training....eventually, one day probably sooner than later.... and it is hard on a relationship... but on a new relationship; it just wouldn't work.... and yet here I stand with cell phone in hand agreeing to meet AG's friend and AG at a pub tomorrow...just to check it (*cough* him) out. And yet this comes the day after I texted back L's friend telling him that no I wasn't looking for a relationship of any sort nor would I like to go on a date...I didn't think it was fair to start something knowing I was leaving shortly... and unlike back int he day (when I was 18ish) one night stands just don't appeal to me.
Knowing that tomorrow night isn't really a date, but it could potentially lead to one has me in cold sweats and fits of giddiness all at the same time.... I'm so confused and torn, but I am not going to let life happen while I wait for things to start, if there is anything that the past 6 years has taught me its that. second chances don't happen often, 3rd chances are even more rare...and that's how I am looking at this next chapter... my 3rd attempt to get my life on the track that it maybe should have been on in the first place....
This weeks Mantra:
"It's okay to live a little...you deserve to have fun too!"
- Stiletto
Friday, October 16, 2009
Perspective from the other side...
Holy emotions Batman.
I am normal a very level headed, fairly unemotional being...or at least I was (after I grew out of the teenage drama stage of life of course).
Now I have found myself in a fit of emotions lately, up to and including a mini-breakdown yesterday. By breakdown I mean, tears, swearing and pondering as to whether or not I could actually do this. (join the military).
Yesterday I felt as if I was regressing.... The sad part was this was all brought on by the realization that I was going to sell my car. I know S, I told you I would sell it to KB (K- Your Brother-In-Law) and I will, it just didn't hit me until yesterday. I know what you are all thinking... 'it's just a car'. And it is just a car, but at the same time, it is so not 'just a car'. That car was my victory, That car was all I had to my name when I left B. In fact it wasn't even in my name, and it wasn't until recently that I was finally able to get B to relinquish and sign it over to me. It was a year and a half long battle to do that to finally get my car as 'mine'...and now I'm just supposed to let it go.
Now I am supposed to start this next phase with nothing...literally. No love interest, no possessions, almost no debt.... nothing. It's hard to know that at 20 I had more than what I do now. Or at least that was my thought process for most of the day yesterday. And then I got home, downed a glass of wine and realized something very important that I hope to hold onto and remember those days in basic where I feel like giving up. I have nothing, possession wise. My material list of possessions is short. What I do have, what I have gained over the past 5 years while I was loosing my material possessions was something waaaaaaaaaaay more important than a car.
What I have now, is a family. No, not the type of family I thought I would have at this time; but one that lifts me up when I need it, one that although they are hurt at times by my decision to join the CF, they are still proud of me, they will still catch me when I start to fall. I have a family that will tell me their hurts and pains and joys, and allow me to help them, console them and rejoice with them.
I have 2 wives; S, my first wife...and L, my military wife. I have my mom, and about 6 other peoples moms as well...each one looking out for me and each other, they are around not only to mother me, but to be the support system for each other. And I have a whole slew of siblings... my biological ones, my MG ones and my in-law ones (whether they are ex in-laws or not doesn't matter). Even S's husbandish K...he is like a big brother; the guy that better take care of S while I am gone; not that I doubt for a second that he wont... but I still have to say it.
Yesterday I felt selfish, for only thinking about myself when I made this decision.... today I feel blessed, to have such an amazing 'family'. One that is willing to stand behind me and not only think that I'm not selfish, but one that also reminds me that they are proud of me for making this decision for me and me alone.
And When I have nothing left to give.... I know I have them to lean on, I know that as long as I remember that...nothing will hold me back.
Thankful for all that I have gained;
- Stiletto
I am normal a very level headed, fairly unemotional being...or at least I was (after I grew out of the teenage drama stage of life of course).
Now I have found myself in a fit of emotions lately, up to and including a mini-breakdown yesterday. By breakdown I mean, tears, swearing and pondering as to whether or not I could actually do this. (join the military).
Yesterday I felt as if I was regressing.... The sad part was this was all brought on by the realization that I was going to sell my car. I know S, I told you I would sell it to KB (K- Your Brother-In-Law) and I will, it just didn't hit me until yesterday. I know what you are all thinking... 'it's just a car'. And it is just a car, but at the same time, it is so not 'just a car'. That car was my victory, That car was all I had to my name when I left B. In fact it wasn't even in my name, and it wasn't until recently that I was finally able to get B to relinquish and sign it over to me. It was a year and a half long battle to do that to finally get my car as 'mine'...and now I'm just supposed to let it go.
Now I am supposed to start this next phase with nothing...literally. No love interest, no possessions, almost no debt.... nothing. It's hard to know that at 20 I had more than what I do now. Or at least that was my thought process for most of the day yesterday. And then I got home, downed a glass of wine and realized something very important that I hope to hold onto and remember those days in basic where I feel like giving up. I have nothing, possession wise. My material list of possessions is short. What I do have, what I have gained over the past 5 years while I was loosing my material possessions was something waaaaaaaaaaay more important than a car.
What I have now, is a family. No, not the type of family I thought I would have at this time; but one that lifts me up when I need it, one that although they are hurt at times by my decision to join the CF, they are still proud of me, they will still catch me when I start to fall. I have a family that will tell me their hurts and pains and joys, and allow me to help them, console them and rejoice with them.
I have 2 wives; S, my first wife...and L, my military wife. I have my mom, and about 6 other peoples moms as well...each one looking out for me and each other, they are around not only to mother me, but to be the support system for each other. And I have a whole slew of siblings... my biological ones, my MG ones and my in-law ones (whether they are ex in-laws or not doesn't matter). Even S's husbandish K...he is like a big brother; the guy that better take care of S while I am gone; not that I doubt for a second that he wont... but I still have to say it.
Yesterday I felt selfish, for only thinking about myself when I made this decision.... today I feel blessed, to have such an amazing 'family'. One that is willing to stand behind me and not only think that I'm not selfish, but one that also reminds me that they are proud of me for making this decision for me and me alone.
And When I have nothing left to give.... I know I have them to lean on, I know that as long as I remember that...nothing will hold me back.
Thankful for all that I have gained;
- Stiletto
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Family?
Normally I love my family.
Sure I have my days where I would rather slam my head into a brick wall than spend time with them, but who doesn't?
However, lately I am feeling nothing but disappointment when talking to certain members of my family. Now it could just be me getting antsy about the new endeavour that I am taking on, or really I could just be being overly picky and a little bitchy. But at the moment I am really craving some family time. I know that the next 2 years at least; will not be filled with it.
However; when I ask certain member of my family for some quality time I get nothing, no response, no even possible date made to spend some time with each other. I usually just get a "not now, need to go". But all of a sudden when I have other things planned I need to drop what I am doing to do you a favor, because if I don't I become the bitch, the bad guy, or the irresponsible, inconsiderate family member.
Then there are the family members that fake the relationship, not that that's a new thing, they always have and yet it still never ceases to actually piss me off. You know who you are. If your going to ask a question of me to get an answer that you want; don't do it under the guise of something remotely nice; just grow a pair and tell me the real reason, its less disappointing that way.
I know my decision has upset a lot of people, whether they admit to it or not, I know that there are certain people who still believe that I am not going through with this; they seem to forget that I always finish what I start, that once I put my mind to something I rarely back out of it; and if i do it is with damn good reason. So today, I give up.
If you are only going to treat me as a person that can do things for you, go fuck yourself. I am so done with all the people in my life that just use me to help them when they need it, without any thought as to how they might be effecting me. Family or not, it's not worth my fucking time.
"Lack of planning on your part, does not constitute an emergency on mine"
Pissed off, disappointed and a little ashamed at your actions;
- Stiletto
Sure I have my days where I would rather slam my head into a brick wall than spend time with them, but who doesn't?
However, lately I am feeling nothing but disappointment when talking to certain members of my family. Now it could just be me getting antsy about the new endeavour that I am taking on, or really I could just be being overly picky and a little bitchy. But at the moment I am really craving some family time. I know that the next 2 years at least; will not be filled with it.
However; when I ask certain member of my family for some quality time I get nothing, no response, no even possible date made to spend some time with each other. I usually just get a "not now, need to go". But all of a sudden when I have other things planned I need to drop what I am doing to do you a favor, because if I don't I become the bitch, the bad guy, or the irresponsible, inconsiderate family member.
Then there are the family members that fake the relationship, not that that's a new thing, they always have and yet it still never ceases to actually piss me off. You know who you are. If your going to ask a question of me to get an answer that you want; don't do it under the guise of something remotely nice; just grow a pair and tell me the real reason, its less disappointing that way.
I know my decision has upset a lot of people, whether they admit to it or not, I know that there are certain people who still believe that I am not going through with this; they seem to forget that I always finish what I start, that once I put my mind to something I rarely back out of it; and if i do it is with damn good reason. So today, I give up.
If you are only going to treat me as a person that can do things for you, go fuck yourself. I am so done with all the people in my life that just use me to help them when they need it, without any thought as to how they might be effecting me. Family or not, it's not worth my fucking time.
"Lack of planning on your part, does not constitute an emergency on mine"
Pissed off, disappointed and a little ashamed at your actions;
- Stiletto
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Thanksgiving....
Ahhh, my last thanksgiving with my family for a while...well most likely anyway.
And we celebrated last week as no one was going to be here. Nevermind the fact that no one was here last thanksgiving and they all made the same plans for this year, they know that I wont be seeing them much after the new year starts....and yet when I suggest a family get together it is usually passed over with little thought.
Shitty, but fine; whatever I will just have to deal with it. The closer to the end of this process that I get the more time I want to spend with my family, unfortunatley; I dont think they feel the same, either that or they don't believe that I am going through with this. (It'll suck when they finally figure that out)
So my thanksgiving consisted of Bukleys, bynadryll and tylenol cold and flu and the couch... wonderful I know. But the highlight was that I got to go see coludy with a chance of meatballs in 3D yesterday with AG...Then we scammed her facebook page for single men for me. Not that I am seriously looking but the thought of actually having prospects intrigued me a little. (also scared me shitless....but you go with what you've got right? focusing on the positive intrigue not the scared gaping feeling)
Anyway, enough bitching from me. I completed my aptitude test today, seemed pretty simpe, although it has been years since I've done basic algebra and math with fractions. Hopefully I did well. I also got my medical and interview scheduled for this month. Crazy how quickly everything is happening.
Hoping to be off to basic by the new year;
- Stiletto
And we celebrated last week as no one was going to be here. Nevermind the fact that no one was here last thanksgiving and they all made the same plans for this year, they know that I wont be seeing them much after the new year starts....and yet when I suggest a family get together it is usually passed over with little thought.
Shitty, but fine; whatever I will just have to deal with it. The closer to the end of this process that I get the more time I want to spend with my family, unfortunatley; I dont think they feel the same, either that or they don't believe that I am going through with this. (It'll suck when they finally figure that out)
So my thanksgiving consisted of Bukleys, bynadryll and tylenol cold and flu and the couch... wonderful I know. But the highlight was that I got to go see coludy with a chance of meatballs in 3D yesterday with AG...Then we scammed her facebook page for single men for me. Not that I am seriously looking but the thought of actually having prospects intrigued me a little. (also scared me shitless....but you go with what you've got right? focusing on the positive intrigue not the scared gaping feeling)
Anyway, enough bitching from me. I completed my aptitude test today, seemed pretty simpe, although it has been years since I've done basic algebra and math with fractions. Hopefully I did well. I also got my medical and interview scheduled for this month. Crazy how quickly everything is happening.
Hoping to be off to basic by the new year;
- Stiletto
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
My timeline for the recruiting process:
Recruiting Center: CFRC Calgary
Regular/Reserve: Regular
Officer/NCM: NCM
Trade Choice 1: Med Tech
Trade Choice 2: AES Ops (This was full - so no dice)
Trade Choice 3: RMS Clerk
Application Date: October 2, 2009
First Contact: October 2, 2009
CFAT: October 8, 2009 reschduled to Oct. 13 due to illness.
Interview: October 27, 2009
Medical: October 27, 2009 - not sent off until Oct. 30, 2009 needed to get a form filled out by opthamologist.
Medical Back: December 15, 2009
References contacted: References were contacted the week of the 26th of October.
Backcheck Complete: November 1, 2009
Merit Listed: December 15, 2009
Position Offered: January 4, 2009
Sworn In: February 10, 2009
BMQ starts on: March 1, 2009
I lost my first choice as all the positions were filled as of December 30th. There were also no Army or Air positions left which is why I was given Navy.
Regular/Reserve: Regular
Officer/NCM: NCM
Trade Choice 1: Med Tech
Trade Choice 2: AES Ops (This was full - so no dice)
Trade Choice 3: RMS Clerk
Application Date: October 2, 2009
First Contact: October 2, 2009
CFAT: October 8, 2009 reschduled to Oct. 13 due to illness.
Interview: October 27, 2009
Medical: October 27, 2009 - not sent off until Oct. 30, 2009 needed to get a form filled out by opthamologist.
Medical Back: December 15, 2009
References contacted: References were contacted the week of the 26th of October.
Backcheck Complete: November 1, 2009
Merit Listed: December 15, 2009
Position Offered: January 4, 2009
Sworn In: February 10, 2009
BMQ starts on: March 1, 2009
I lost my first choice as all the positions were filled as of December 30th. There were also no Army or Air positions left which is why I was given Navy.
Ammendment...
I got a call from the Recruiting center today!!
Aptitude test is booked!!!
Holy this is moving fast :)
Aptitude test is booked!!!
Holy this is moving fast :)
Waiting...
I know it has only been 3 business days since I handed in my application. But I want to know now!
I am waiting for anyone of my references to call me and tell me that they were contacted.
I'm waiting for the call from the recruiter saying come on in for your testing now.
I'm waiting on the CF... the CF that makes you wait and wait and wait some more.
Just ask E she has been waiting an awful long time for some decent quality time with her man. Or L who has been waiting and waiting for B to be released...
All the waiting that everyone has to do is probably why everyone knows that the CF's motto is 'Hurry up, and wait'.
I'm trying to keep myself occupied in the mean time, but one can only go to the gym for so many hours a day...plus the gym isn't a good place for me to be right now... there's to much distraction at the gym...and I need to concentrate.
*sigh*
Still waiting,
- Stiletto
I am waiting for anyone of my references to call me and tell me that they were contacted.
I'm waiting for the call from the recruiter saying come on in for your testing now.
I'm waiting on the CF... the CF that makes you wait and wait and wait some more.
Just ask E she has been waiting an awful long time for some decent quality time with her man. Or L who has been waiting and waiting for B to be released...
All the waiting that everyone has to do is probably why everyone knows that the CF's motto is 'Hurry up, and wait'.
I'm trying to keep myself occupied in the mean time, but one can only go to the gym for so many hours a day...plus the gym isn't a good place for me to be right now... there's to much distraction at the gym...and I need to concentrate.
*sigh*
Still waiting,
- Stiletto
Saturday, October 3, 2009
The application is in!!!
Yesterday was my birthday. It was also the day that I decided to put in my application to join the military!
It was a great day, my nerves were on edge and I was shaking a little when I walked in there but after a few short minutes of talking to one recruiter and then another and being regaled with tales of basic training and getting some great tips; my hands stopped shaking and I started to get even more excited.
I sat down with the Sgt. that is now handling my application and we went through the process of joining and we filled out my application, my security clearnace forms, crossed all the T's and dotted all the I's. My carrer manager (the Sgt.) is also one of the interviwers, he said that I need to look at the ROTP program (which is the officer training program). He informed me that with my leadership skills and the fact that I have chaired many different events was a huge boost to my CV (resume). With all that being said he processed my application the way it was, and I promised to look into the ROTP programs. I left the recruiting center and was buzzing from the excietment of it all.
I later got a call from the recruiter (45 minutes after I left) and he informed me that my third trade choice was closed so he wasn't able to put my application in. Which I thought left me with just one trade option as I didn't think I qualified for the second trade that I picked. However he then went on to let me know that I do actually qualify for both of my other trade options and that I needed to think about that as well. He said he would call back in about 3 weeks to set up my interview, apptitude test and medical dates and said that I should get things in order as he can see me being off to basic by the end of the year!!
Thinking about yesterday I get a little emotional, for so long I have been struggling to find something that gives me that buzz, that brings back that passion and opens some doors for me; and yesterday I found it. The doors are opening everywhere I look and its the best feeling in the world.
Elated, ecstatic and now waiting on the CF;
- Stiletto
It was a great day, my nerves were on edge and I was shaking a little when I walked in there but after a few short minutes of talking to one recruiter and then another and being regaled with tales of basic training and getting some great tips; my hands stopped shaking and I started to get even more excited.
I sat down with the Sgt. that is now handling my application and we went through the process of joining and we filled out my application, my security clearnace forms, crossed all the T's and dotted all the I's. My carrer manager (the Sgt.) is also one of the interviwers, he said that I need to look at the ROTP program (which is the officer training program). He informed me that with my leadership skills and the fact that I have chaired many different events was a huge boost to my CV (resume). With all that being said he processed my application the way it was, and I promised to look into the ROTP programs. I left the recruiting center and was buzzing from the excietment of it all.
I later got a call from the recruiter (45 minutes after I left) and he informed me that my third trade choice was closed so he wasn't able to put my application in. Which I thought left me with just one trade option as I didn't think I qualified for the second trade that I picked. However he then went on to let me know that I do actually qualify for both of my other trade options and that I needed to think about that as well. He said he would call back in about 3 weeks to set up my interview, apptitude test and medical dates and said that I should get things in order as he can see me being off to basic by the end of the year!!
Thinking about yesterday I get a little emotional, for so long I have been struggling to find something that gives me that buzz, that brings back that passion and opens some doors for me; and yesterday I found it. The doors are opening everywhere I look and its the best feeling in the world.
Elated, ecstatic and now waiting on the CF;
- Stiletto
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Sometimes comments are best left unsaid
In a few short months I have forged new friendships with amazing people, most of whom I have never met.
Today, I was shocked, appaled and pissed off to read a post that was placed on a wall in a group that has been all about support. Yes, people are entitled to their opinions... but people should also know that there is a time and a place for everything and now was not the time, and a support forum was not the place.
Yes, everyone is entitiled to their own political views; however if you are going to voice your political views, get the facts straight and make sure you aren't confusing one countries politics with another.
My heart hurts for the friends that I have made that are going through one of the toughest times in their life right now, it breaks for my friends that are off fighting for freedom and a cause...
I understand that people may not support war, I wouldn't ask anyone to. I am not a supporter of war, however show some respect. You don't need to support war in order to support those that are serving in one, they don't just do this for them, they do this for a bigger purpose, they do this to make a difference. Our soldiers are not over their acting soley on orders; our soldiers re trained to think for themselves to make good moral decisons and to have someone say otherwise throws me into a fit of rage and upset.
To all of my friends that are overseas, to all of you that have a SO overseas, I am truly sorry if you had to read any of that ignorant drivel.
My regards and prayers to all of you and your SO's
- Stiletto
Today, I was shocked, appaled and pissed off to read a post that was placed on a wall in a group that has been all about support. Yes, people are entitled to their opinions... but people should also know that there is a time and a place for everything and now was not the time, and a support forum was not the place.
Yes, everyone is entitiled to their own political views; however if you are going to voice your political views, get the facts straight and make sure you aren't confusing one countries politics with another.
My heart hurts for the friends that I have made that are going through one of the toughest times in their life right now, it breaks for my friends that are off fighting for freedom and a cause...
I understand that people may not support war, I wouldn't ask anyone to. I am not a supporter of war, however show some respect. You don't need to support war in order to support those that are serving in one, they don't just do this for them, they do this for a bigger purpose, they do this to make a difference. Our soldiers are not over their acting soley on orders; our soldiers re trained to think for themselves to make good moral decisons and to have someone say otherwise throws me into a fit of rage and upset.
To all of my friends that are overseas, to all of you that have a SO overseas, I am truly sorry if you had to read any of that ignorant drivel.
My regards and prayers to all of you and your SO's
- Stiletto
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