Let it start.

Okay, so here it is officially.

I am joining the CF.  I know shocker... hehehe

I am looking into 2 different trades, I just got myself a personal trainer, I've told the majority of my family members...

anyway, that is the update for now... ready to have someone kick my ass into shape....

Soooooooooo Excited!!

The things I want to scream about....

Lately, it seems like I just want to scream and yell at everyone who makes any sort of negetive comment towards me.

I don't know why, I am for the most part level headed and can bite my tounge quite well, but I am just so fed up with people's opinions that I just want to sit them down and explain to them, that yes while free speech is an amazing thing, there is such a thing as being to free with your speech.

Now don't get me wrong, go ahead voice your opinion, just do it in a respectful manner and pay attention to body language. Realize that no matter what you are saying if you are saying it in a jack-assed way it will fall on deaf ears or you will get bitch slapped for saying it.

I have had to many, "well you don't seem like your too upset over A" comments that I really want to beat the piss out of the next person that even comments.  Trust me I am upset by it, but I also realise that I need to live my life, it doesn't stop because I am upset and heartbroken. I dont look like i'm upset becuase I am trying hard not to, I am putting a brave face on a fucked up situation... I am good at it, I've been doing it my entire life.  I want to cry every night, I still want his arms around me, I still think that he will call and sometimes I wake up forgetting that No, I wont get anything from A today, because he is with someone else. But for my own sake I can't dwell on that or I wont get out of bed; you don't know what it is like when you are not there... dont pretend you do. 

I am trying to  stay positive in light of all that is happened, I know that it makes people upset when they see me crying, and when I start crying I have a hard time stopping. So for now, I just bury it deep down and wait until night time to let it out; that way noone needs to deal with my heartache but myself. I am tired of people telling me I don't need to waste anymore anger or tears on A.  Seriously!?!?!?! why don't you get your heart ripped out of your chest when you least expect it and then just stop crying because someone told you to. This is why I put a brave face on and pretend that everything is Okay. 

If you really want to know if I'm doing okay with everything, why don't you just ask? Oh wait, I know why, because you don't want to see the tears start again, and you don't want to hear me tell you the truth.

No, I'm not Okay.  Not right now, I wont be for sometime... I know eventually I will be, but don't expect me to tell you that I'm fine, and don't tell me that I look like I'm doing just fine since my heart got trampled on. I know I look like I'm fine, but looks can be decieving and words are only words. Inside my heart is still breaking and the tears are still falling.

-Stiletto

I've made my decision.

That's all.


But I'll write more; because I can.

So, I've decided what I am doing with my life, career wise anyway. I still have a detail or 2 that I need to work out, but the decision in general is made.

I've also decided that I am not telling any really close friends or family until the balls start rolling on the different situations. I have friends and family that want certain things for my life, and want me to consider or to not consider joining the CF. I have family and friends that want me to go to school and that don’t want me to go to school; so until things are in place I have decided to keep my decision to myself.

I start Physics in September, it was paid for a long time ago, and even though I may not ever use it; it will at least give me something to keep my mind active. I also found out today that they are getting rid of some of our salaried clerical positions at work.... So I may not have a job by the end of the week; wish me luck.

Laters,
- Stiletto

Changing the Blog...

Okay, so I revamped the about me section and title of this blog. 

I need to be rid of things that remind me of A; but I find I actually like blogging... so I've revamped it a bit and now it is just about me.

It will hopefully be more about my journey into the CF and all that that entails as opposed to the depressing my jack-ass boyfriend left me for another woman drivel that has been over-taking my blogs recently.

I am not going to lie, some of that may still slip in there, but hopefully this will be a little more up beat and fun to read.

But I will write more later on decisions that I have made the plans that I have in place and all the other interesting stuff shortly... My niece and Nephew are trying to kill each other and I must go break it up.

Laters,
- Stiletto

Didn't I?

Didn't I try hard enough to understand your way
Didn't I stay strong enought through all stormy days
Like I'd be clinging to our little house so close were you and I
Then came the day you just walked away and I lost you didn't I

Didn't I kiss you often enough didn't I hold you tight
Didn't I say I love you each time we said goodnight
Darling please tell me what I didn't do
cause I tried so hard to make you see
But above everything in this world
you were all that was meant for me

And you know I've thought I was all you wanted
in fact you've told me so
But I guess I failed somewhere along the way
But just where I failed I'd give my life to know

Didn't I kiss you often enough didn't I hold you tight
Didn't I say I love you each time we said goodnight
Like I'd be clinging to our little house so close were you and I
Then came the day you just walked away and I lost you didn't I

Drunk?

Oh boy was I ever...

I am a fairly seasoned drinker, I've been doing it longer than most my age... (Thanks to Grandpa for the Jager when we were sick...they started out as Tablespoons and then grew to shots), but I digress.

So, I'm all upset and crying my eyes out because A tuned into an A-Hole and basically left me for another woman...gotta love it when what you thought was a man turns out to be just another boy who can't keep his pants on; but I digress again...

Where was I? Oh yeah...crying my eyes out wondering how life can get any worse and at the same time trying to figure out what to do now... (PS... I found a way to make things worse, keep reading you'll see)

So what do I do, I get drunk... no, not on my own, I went over to a friends house (MainT). MainT and his friends decided to get me good and plastered so that when I had to drive to my companies golf tournament at 0600 the next morning I would be too busy feeling like ass that I wouldn't be able to concentrate on how much A hurt me...

well, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. I couldn't concentrate on anything but the pounding in my head for the first 2 hours; and when that subsided a little the emotional termoil came back to me and there you go folk's when life is bringing you down, you can always make it worse by adding the hangover of the century to the mix... and if thats not enough get up at 6am in a weired house and try getting out of the house without setting off the alarm...

So now, fully recovered from Wednesday nights binge, I've decided that drinking should be kept to weekends. I should not be allowed to outdrink men twice my size... and the best part of all... I do not always make bad decisions when I am drunk. :) for those of you that know me well, you will know what this is reffering to....


Anyway, its friday... 30 degrees out and Part of me wants to start crying again...
FML
- Stiletto

I spy with tears in my eyes....

Well, my hope is gone.

A is seeing someone else...already. Stupid fucking facebook can go to hell and take all the lame ass pictures with it.

To me that says stop hoping that he will change his mind. It's hard to do so, but I am trying.

I am waffling from being mad, upset and still hoping that he is just making a huge mistake. But the pictures that I spied yesterday on his facebook say otherwise. he looks so happy with her, and to top it off she is gorgeous.

Part of me really hope all of this has a huge negative impact on him... part of me hopes that he will loose the position he wanted over fraternizing with a course member, that same part of me hopes that she breaks his heart into a million pieces just like he broke mine. And that his parents hate her... they wont, they are such amazing people, but right now I wish they would.

The other part of me wants him to be happy...but that is the same part of me that still hopes he will come to his senses...so I'm not listening to that part right now.

I guess right now I just have to go this on my own. Make decisions for me, and not worry about how they effect anyone else, for once maybe I can learn to be just a little selfish and do what I want to do...without worrying about how someone else might be effected.

It sucks, I don't know how to go about doing any of this. I don't know if I can be that person who can go this road on her own. I don't know if I am strong enough to make decisions based on my needs alone; but I guess I wasn't really given a choice in that matter. Maybe now I'll learn to guard my heart a little better, and I wont be so trusting; that whole innocent until proven guilty thing I had going apparently just isn't working for me.

Trying to pick up the pieces,
- Stiletto

He's baaaack....Rant

No, not A...unfortunately.

I have had a near survivable past 2 weeks. One of the maintenance guys at my work, lets call them MainL and MainT, was gone (MainL was gone MainT was here doing work.) I was glad that MainL was gone, he has a way of getting on my nerves... he thinks he is God's gift to women... but really he is just a pain in the ass.

Now he is back, and he has been up to my office 3 times and even went outside to find me, when I went to gather some information from my car, "just to chat."

Ughhh... He knows about A and I, and what we are going through at the moment, and he is all over trying to cease an opportunity that isn't there. Dumb Ass.

It's annoying and I want to kick him with my really pointy boots, but I am pretty sure I can get fired for the sort of thing. MainT has actually phoned me to warn me that MainL is coming up to my office, as he knows that MainL has a way of pissing me off right quick; and although MainT finds it hilarious, he still feels my pain and is attempting to be a good friend...in between bouts of laughter that is.

And while I am ranting why is it that guys justify pretty much everything by who left who. as in: "Well he left you so really he knows your single and can sleep with whoever you want - so just, you know, go out and get yours, and if you need a willing participant don't be afraid to call me."

I understand that A left me, but the only person I want to sleep with is A. So put that in your pipe and smoke it...oh and thanks for not being subtle about the fact that you want to sleep with me. I gathered that already but the clarification really helps... it helps me to avoid you at all costs because I really have no desire to hear your cheesy pickup lines and I get bouts of nausea at the thought of you coming anywhere near my 3 feet of personal space.
I know you can't see my magic bubble that acts kind of like a force field... but its there and you will know your in it when my pointy boot lets you know... its like a car alarm, get to close and it just goes off...

Sigh, stupid boys...
-Stiletto

Decsions, Decsions - Part 2

So as it was kindly pointed out to me by S... I can't have a pro/con list without adding some cons to the list.

(I wasn't really making a pro/con list... but S knows me so well that it is what I do to make a decision and I was getting to the list fairly quickly so this might as well be it.)

Pros:
1. School is paid for
2. Decent Salary (by decent I mean more than I am making now)
3. New oppourtunities/free educational upgrades along the way
4. 4 weeks holidays
5. Guaranteed Employment, in an otherwise unstable economy
6. Ability to retrain for a new position without loosing my job (if I wanted to)
7. Travel
8. Children??? (a whole bunch of options there)


Cons:
1. Leave my friends and family
2. Possibility of going to the sandbox, or elsewhere
3. Children??? (there is a whole bunch of questions there)
4. Can't quit if I don't like it.


Okay I'm having a hard time with coming up with Con's... if anybody has any more (pros or cons) that I should be aware of please feel free to add them.

-Stiletto

Decisions, Decisions....

Well all... my student number came in for Mount Royal.

It's officially decision time. Do I take Physics 0130 in order to upgrade enough to take my radiology technician course or do I live in my current job for a little while longer until enough time has passed that I can retire...

Well, I guess that makes my decision easier, Physics 0130 here I come...

Next decision to be made, to join the Canadian Forces or not to. As of right now I see no reason not to; and the benefits are there...


School paid for .... Check
Salary while going to school... Check
A guaranteed career... Check
and Grandpa's favorite reason of all time...
The pension... Check.


Hmmm... well I will ramble on about my decision later... dinner is here.

Laters
- Stiletto

E ji Jooooooooooeeeeeeee

I went and took my nephew on a date last night to go see GI Joe yesterday...

It was awesome, the movie itself is not really for die hard GI Joe fans, but it was defiantly good... my nephew who didn't know much about GI Joe's is now in love with snake eyes... he thinks that he is the coolest thing ever.

Anyway, everytime they said GI Joe it made me chuckle a little, because I would remember the time that my brother was so into GI Joe but he couldn't say it right so instead he would shout out E ji Joooooooooooooooooooooooooooe.

I am going to take my niece out next week, so that they each get some one on one time, but my weekend is fast filling up...which is strange because normally I am a homebody. But I have a friend in from Newfoundland, that I am hoping I will be able to catch lunch with on Saturday prior to heading up to Edmonton to meet L for a BBQ at V's....I wasn't going to go, but L convinced me that getting out of the house and not being completely addicted to checking my email would probably be a good thing for me for a weekend... so I agreed, plus not being alone again this weekend will be nice. Then my mom comes home from the east coast on Sunday. busy busy busy.

As for an update on me and A.... no news yet. hes got 17 days left before he heads home.... we shall see what time brings.

Still holding out for hope,
- Stiletto

There is a puppy....

In my office!!

One of the guys from work has a sick puppy and knows that I have been upset so he is doing some emotional therapy for both of us.

He brought his puppy (a golden retreiver) up to my office and asked if I wanted company for the day.

So now I have a puppy (I guess hes not really a puppy...but he sure is cute) in my office sitting on my feet keeping them nice and warm.

Which I figure is good today because I'm just as sad as ever since I realised at about 3 am this morning that it has only been 2 weeks... not 3 since A left me.

De die in deim,
Stiletto

School?!?!?!

Well, I've gone and done it.

I have to upgrade my schooling to take the previously mentioned program... you know the one that the military pays for.

So I've been milling about for the better part of the day gathering information and such as to what is acceptable where i can take the courses and all that fun stuff and I've put in my application for upgrading. Physics 0130 here I come...

Yes, I know that sounded really corny but it is the only bit of good things I have had lately... maybe my luck is turning... The course is from September to January and I would have to apply for the program that I wanted to take in November... but they will take a guesstimated mark on the physics course... so everything is set... so to speak.

Now to decide if I am going to go through with all the extra schooling and if I actually want to do the military thing or not...and still waiting to hear from A... Not that that will have much of an impact on some decisions but it may have an impact on others.

But for now no decisions have been reached, I just don't want to miss out on an opportunity because I jumped to late.

Anyway it's back to reality for me,
Stiletto

things that I did today...

Okay well maybe not things... but thing.

I called the local recruiting office to ask a few questions.

apparently the course I was thinking of taking is actually one of the courses that the military pays for. So not only would my school be paid for, I would also be collecting a salary while attending school....

more thoughts to ponder...who knows maybe one day I will be wearing stilettos and combats. ;)

Laters,
Stiletto

Life...

I used to have a game plan...

It wasn't so much of a game plan, it was, what I thought my life should be.

You know the normal drivel... finish university, find work, travel, meet man of dreams, settle down, buy a house, have babies and live happily ever after, Oh..and did I mention that all of this was supposed to happen prior to 30, (my thought was closer to 27)

Life as I know it has not turned out like that. Not even remotely close... I didn't finish university, in fact I never got to start it, due to unforeseen circumstances, my guaranteed early admission didn't matter... the lack of funding however, did.

Find work...yup. I have had my fair share of jobs and careers...and yet I'm not challenged at all and would be fine leaving my current position at anytime, with almost any other job offer.

Travel...well that one is up for debate, I've traveled but I have yet to go to the one place where I have always dreamed of going, I thought that one day I would take the man of my dreams with me, you know a romantic stroll along the cliffs of Scotland, a picnic in a nice green glen.

Which brings me to the man of my dreams...I found him. However, he's not sure he loves me anymore... After a few failed attempts at love, I thought that the man of my dreams was laying beside me in April...I thought the cuddles I was getting would last a life time. And yet for some unknown reason, despite the fact that he isn't sure....I have a small semblance of hope that this set back is just temporary.

settle down... Ha! I was informed last night that I have the spirit of a 50 year old. Apparently I am not my age, not that I am wise beyond my years...but the way I apparently deal with life, is "old". I am a firm believer that how you deal with what life throws at you that makes you who you are. And apparently, I am just short of retirement...go figure, I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I'm already so close to retiring from it? I don't think that, I think that I just have different values than a lot of people my age. So I surround myself with the people that value the same things, its not about drinking and partying all the time, its about...Love? I don't actually know what its about, but I know that the answers that one seeks are usually found in the rarest places whether it be an unplanned pregnancy that takes you into a world that you were sure you would never want to be, only to find that it's the best thing that could have happened to you. Or some other great event, that at the time seems like a catastrophe... they may not be the answers you thought you wanted, but thought, much like people doesn't like to be told what to do.

As for having babies and living happily ever after... that will come, I am sure of it. Even if I have to have them on my own...you know little science created babies made for someone that truly wants them.

I know now that a life plan, isn't really a plan at all, its not a road trip where you can map everything out. You can't just find the shortest distance and get to your destination without mishap. You just have to live it, and hope for the best. I may never get everything I want out of life, but I just may...that is yet to be determined...I can't necessarily say that I am excited to find out what life is in store, but I am sure whatever it is I can figure my way through it...even if it is on my own.

Confused, weary and dealing with life as it comes...Hoping for the best.
Stiletto

My first actual long weekend

I left my second job last week...

For reasons other than the obvious heart break I have been going through. So now I am sitting here, alone and wondering what I should be doing. I'm not used to having 3 days to myself with no priorities other than to make sure that my brothers dogs get fed.

It's a weird feeling...for a planner not to have a plan.

I rented a few movies to try to get me through the weekend, and there was a rocky marathon on last night...I've also re-started the cross stitch I was doing for my niece, hopefully I will get it done before she is a year old.

So I do all this and then it hits me, something my best friend said to me, while I was defending A and she was reading my unusually depressing blogs about the love of my life walking away.

"What are you doing, Stiletto, you are such a talented writer, why aren't you finishing your books?"

I laughed it off as they are fairy tales and I'm just not in the mood to write romance with my heart being shattered into a million pieces....But I'm sitting here and actually thinking about it... why am I not writing? Other than the obvious fear of failure, what is stopping me? So I think I am going to start again, who knows maybe I will end up writing an epic love story that plays out in real life.

So that is my plan of concentration, because if I concentrate on wondering if A and I will somehow get back together any longer, I may scream, I guess I will just have to wait that part out.

Until next time,
Stiletto